Hi! I just posted this elsewhere, but it seems to fit here too, so I wanted to share it:<P>I have thought and experienced more in the past few years than I ever dreamed possible. My current understanding of love is based on that experience, for better or for worse. As you probably know, I was a betrayed spouse, so that background colors my thoughts. But I have also been able to renew a very beautiful relationship with my wife, even after an intense and devastating affair. Given that history, you can make of my thoughts what you will.<P>Love is a very complex set of emotions. I want to break them down, and then try to put the pieces back together.<P>To me, the place to start is with <B> desire.</B> All of us are atrracted to other people. That is completely natural and healthy, part of being human. Some people share common interests with us, some behave or appear beautiful in ways that we appreciate. We want them to notice and share and appreciate us. We DESIRE their attention, and we enjoy giving ours to them. <P>I think this is how most relationships, including affairs, begin. We desire someone else, because their attention makes us happier. It makes us feel special. Unique. Treasured.<P>Sometimes this desire is combined with unrealistic, excessive admiration. The person we desire so much is usually a little distant, and seems unattainable. Since we don't really know them that well, we project on to them all of the ideal qualities we would like in a partner. I think of that form of love and desire as <B>infatuation.</B> It can be particularly dangerous if the other party is actually interested in a relationship, because then one eventually begins with a huge bang, but without either person really understanding the other.<P>For me, these are the factors that begin and help to sustain any loving relationship. Once we begin to interact closely with the person that we desire, and they with us, and we give and receive attention and support, then things can move very quickly. We <B>fall in love.</B> I remember falling in love with my wife, many years ago. It happened very fast, and it happened because we deliberately gave each other the emotional, intellectual and physical attention we both craved. We had each been very lonely just beforehand. It was intense, and pure and wonderful. And not many months later, I asked her to marry me.<P>I don't believe anyone who claims that an affair starts accidently, that falling in love is outside of their control. We know what we want when we initiate and pursue relationships. Why be surprised at the outcome? Obviously, many people didn't expect that the intensity of the relationship would be as great as it turned out to be, but I think everyone knows when they are pursuing a relationship.<P>Be that as it may, I think of the times when each party is successfully giving all of the attention and support their partner needs, and receiving what they desire, as the times when each are <B>in love.</B> This is a cyclical, explosive process, because the more you receive, the better you feel, and the more you want to give, and to receive. Although I feel that love can go on for many decades, the actual emotional feeling of being in love is more fleeting. No-one can constantly keep the machinery of a relationship running perfectly. We sometimes become depressed, or caught up with other, important activities (sickness, schooling or careers, children) and don't give our partners the attention they want, or take the time to receive what they are willing to give. <P>Finally, I think of <B>passion</B> as the emotion we feel when someone we have long desired is finally with us, physically, and we can express our attention and desire physically. For me, passion is related to desire in the same way that being ravenous is related to hunger - it is created by the end of a long deprivation. Obviously, passion is much more common in affairs, when meetings are often few and far between, than it is in marriages, when they seem an ever-present possibility.<P>I personally believe that affairs are better at maintaining these feelings of being in love than any other form of relationship, because they are, by nature, very limited in scope. Most people can be the perfect, attentive partner for 10 to 15 hours a week, which is all that is required to inspire intense love in an affair. Few people can be perfect all the time, which would keep the intensity of love that high during a marriage.<P>But if these feelings of being in love go through cycles, how to maintain any relationship? I screwed up big time here in some ways, and excelled in others. <P>First, one must be aware of why we love and are in love. Most people assume we love our partners because of who they are. I think this is because we want to believe that we are loved for ourselves, for our own true natures. That would be the ultimate form of self-affirmation. BUT IT IS FALSE! (At least in my opinion). <B>We love our partners because of what they give us, and what we give them, because of the total sum of the interactions in our relationship.</B> And thus we must be conscious of those interactions, and constantly monitor our behavior so that we (a) give our partners the attention and support that they need, in the manner in which they desire it, and (b) we understand ourselves, and let our partners know our own needs, so that they can give us the attention and support we have to have.<P>I well remember becoming so busy with work, and with children, that I had very little left to give my wife. I had been raised as a very moral person, and so didn't see what was going wrong. Hard work and loving care for children are good, so what else should I be doing? And yet we spent less and less time with each other. I just assumed our own love would naturally go on forever. I assumed it existed because of who we were, not how we interacted (or didn't interact). Also, I had been raised to put my own needs last, and began to do the same for my wife's needs, since I viewed us as so close, as a pair. And lastly, I was very defensive, and a terrible listener. We had a great relationship when we had lots of time and few problems. Once we had little time and lots of problems, I didn't adjust well. I tended to put my effort into small tokens of love or appreciation, like flowers, rather than really digging and listening and understanding what she was feeling.<P>Enough said. The point I am trying to make is that love is not permanent, unless we both, conciously, work to make it so. Good will is not enough. Understanding and attention are required.<P>Second, to make it permanent, to reach what I consider to be <B>mature love,</B> we must be <B>committed</B> to each other. That is the whole point of those vows we all took, and which we thought were so obvious and simple. And this is, in my opinion, where most affair relationships fail miserably. All of the emotional intensity in the world is meaningless for building a sustained relationship, because emotions are fleeting, and life is full of change. If two people are not committed to <B>change together,</B> then they will eventually fall out of love. And all affairs are founded on the premise that commitment is impossible. I think that is why people in affairs tend to say things like "I will love you forever" or "you are the only one for me," because they know it isn't true and wish that it were, and want to cover up the difference in words.<P>After messing up in other areas, I at least succeeded here. When I found out about my wife's affair, I still loved her, and was committed to her. The other man dropped her completely within about a week (when his own wife found out). I was there with her as we both grieved. I supported her when she couldn't even imagine that our family could continue. And I told her that I would treat her kindly and fairly if we divorced, but that I wanted to renew a marriage with her. I still don't quite understand how I managed to stay committed through everything that we experienced, but I am very glad that I did. The process of renewing a marriage is often as long as the affair itself was. In my view, only true, mature love would keep anyone going through such turmoil.<P>Third, I think that any enduring love must include profound <B>respect</B> between the two partners. Many marriages fail in this area, very many. But I think that all affairs fail here, because they require that you ask your partner to lie and cheat, and that does not contribute to your partner's self-respect. And because you must be willing to share your partner in an affair, and that feeds your own lack of self-respect.<P>Let me draw a simple contrast. When my wife began her affair, her partner insisted that it remain a secret. That implied that he was perfectly willing for her to lie, and to divide her attentions between two men. When I found out about the affair, I told her that she would have to choose - him or me. But that I wouldn't remain in a situation where she tried to have both. The thought of losing her almost destroyed me then (I lost twenty pounds off of a small frame in a few weeks), but I insisted that I be treated respectfully, and refused to be part of a situation that was destroying her own self-respect. I don't quite know how I did it, but that was a moment I will always look back on with pride.<P>And she wanted that self-respect. To be honest, at the time she didn't want me, but she wanted an end to the lies, to the double life, and she stuck with things, and showed a capacity for renewed honesty and self-examination that few other people manage.<P>I think that many posters who adopt the marriagebuilders philosophy have troubles here. If one accepts an ongoing affair and doesn't protest (for fear of "love-busting"), I think the typical outcome is a tremendous loss of respect and self-respect for all parties. You have to say "no" at some point, and I strongly believe in "Plan B" in the face of an ongoing affair.<P>To sum it all up, I read a beautiful story by Janet Abraham Springs in her book on affairs. She said that it was easy to love your child when they are happy, glowing with excitement, thrilled with something new like a roller coaster at an amusement park. That is the feeling of being in love, the emotion that we treasure as parents. But true love comes later, when we bring them home, and they have a fit because they are exhausted, and eventually fall asleep, messy and sticky, and we have to carry them in and care for them and get them into bed, when we are so tired and exhausted that all we want to do is collapse ourselves, and we feel no special emotional tingling inside. That is <B>true love.</B><P>And so my understanding of true love is that it involves commitment to your partner, a relationship founded on respect for yourself and for your partner, and the mutual desire that comes from giving and receiving the undivided, unique attention we so much need to thrive. And this desire will have occassional times of passion too, and longer periods of steady companionship.<P>I wish you well,<P>Still_Trying<BR>
