<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Welcome back. We missed you. If you really want, I'll hug you better than a tree. <P>Propose again? Wow! My anniversary is coming up also, but I know that wouldn't go over well for me. If you think she's in withdrawal, sure, go for it! Sink or swim! <P>Good luck and glad to have you back - now catch up on your reading!<P>Dave (WAT)

Hi. I'm new here, so I'm not familiar with your entire story. I would emphatically say that now is not the time to re-propose. From your description, she does not sound like she is anywhere near it. For your marriage to succeed, she needs to have no contact with the OM. And you need to be spending uniterrupted time with one another. Have you been in marriage counseling, have you attended the MB weekend? I'm sorry for your pain. I wish you the best.

Hi OOOO,<P>Gosh, has it been a month already? Seems like you only left last week... <P>Glad you had a nice time, and didn't give in to the temptation...<P>As far as your W's cool reaction to your return, it is quite natural. See, you were the one gone for a month, without seeing your W or your kids, so of course you grew lonely. You reminisced about the old times, you remembered your <B>old</B> wife (i.e. before she became an alien), and you were hoping to return to that person. Of course your W was too busy to miss you, and she is still the same old fogged-in person that she was when you left.<P>Regarding your anniversary, I'm definitely with the others. Your W is severely withdrawn (to say the least), and your gesture will be perceived as an attempt to push her back into intimacy. I'd back way off on this. Maybe give her a card and a small present, to show that you care. But you "proposing" requires a reaction from her, and I don't think you'll like her reaction given how she is treating you right now.<P>Anyway, welcome back!<P>AGG

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OffOnOnOff:<BR><B>It is almost like I hugged a tree. I asked if she missed me, she said no because she was too busy with the kids and school works. So much for thinking of her all the time. I’m somewhat disappointed, but I kind of expected that to happen anyway.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>OOOO, I'm sorry it went that way. However, absence generally does not make the heart grow fonder for someone who is in the state of withdrawal in the marriage. I wouldn't be disheartened by this, it was to be expected.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I think I’m confused more than before and I don’t know what to do or how to handle it any more. She just permanently quitted her job yesterday (she was on LWOP for almost 4 months while attending school). She still has about two weeks to finish her training, but they called her to return to work immediately so she quitted. I didn’t say much about it yesterday after she told me. What else can I say? Part of me wants her to quit because of the OM who works there too and besides, one of the factors of her quitting (according to her) was because of the OM.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Well, not exactly POJA, but this might be really hopeful. I don't remember all the details about her A, but this can only help with your recovery. My wife worked with her OM and didn't really end her A until she got fired and no longer saw him everyday. Even if her A was supposedly over, this might be what you need to have real recovery.<P>Now that you're back, I'd give it some time before drawing any conclusions. I don't remember why you had to be gone so long (business trip?), but even if she understands the reasons intellectually there is an emotional effect like abandonment. In one of Dr. Harley's articles he mentioned that many women need some time readjusting to their husband coming home after traveling.<P>I know you've had a long, tough road with your relationship. I only hope your perseverance is rewarded soon.<P>Steve<BR>

OOOO,<P>Glad you are back safe & sound from my part of the world.<BR>Not that I have ever been in any of those clubs that you are talking about but I have seen the girls. You with stood a very strong temptation. <P>Your W's reaction to your return was disappointing for you, but while you were traveling, sitting in lonely hotels, by yourself, lots of time to think, your W was living with the day to day chore of life with kids. From a 17 yr perspective of the spouse of someone who travels (40% & up), sometimes you are emotional & physically beat after a 3 to 4 week trip. Something my H could never see, he was the one under stress. <P>I don't know about the remarriage thing, hearing about it from how you W sounds now, does give me a good felling.<BR>But being there now, NOT being down, helping out with everything (think you have done more than your share there but...) may make her think back on the past weeks & relaize how hard it was without you.<P>Again glad you are back safe & sound<BR>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Sounds like she is still very much in the fog. She see's everything as your fault and doesn't realize that she is the one being selfish. Yes, she is lost. IMO she is saying that she was "close to the door to ask u to come in" as a cop-out, that she really wasn't doing that, but she wants to put more blame on you for bringing up some important topics that she doesn't want to deal with. Sounds like she wants you to file for the divorce so that she will not be made to look like the bad guy in the end. Now it is on you for how much longer you can wait. It's been 14 months now, i think you may have to start making some decisions about a Plan B.

14 mos of this nonsense!! Are you both insane or is it just her? Set a reasonable time table for yourself then get out of this situation. Personnally I would take her up on her offer to leave an not and disappear. Doesn't sound like to bad of option. Life is too short to wait years for someone to decide if they love you.<P>Just my opinion

Time for Plan B. It'll help you protect your sanity. I'm in Plan B for two months now, and I can't believe how relieved I am. I should have done it sooner.<P>AGG

OOOO,<P>I disagree with Plan B at this point. If you think you can do it, I think now is the time to Plan A your heart out!<P>Think about it - she will be completely separated from the OM for the first time since this all started for you!! She IS taking all the blame for the situation and is trying to tell you what is a LB for her right now.<P>She has said to you that she is at the door and she needs to figure out if she is going to go through that door to you, or to invite you in ... but she could walk out of the door again, too.<P>Maybe I am off-base, but I find the conversation you described to be quite promising compared to some of the others you have described - other conversations where she has told you she can never be happy with you again, and not "give me time." <P>OOOO, your best Plan A - no love busters, and meet those needs. I don't know if the asking her to marry you on bended knee idea is a good one - 1) because if she doesn't say the right thing it's gonna hurt hurt hurt you, and 2) it seems like she has identified interactive loving behavior from you as "love busting". But, perhaps you could find a card or little figurine of a man on bended knee before the woman he loves and give this to her with a note saying that you love her and will give her the time she needs...<P>Just some thoughts... I'm a hopeless romantic, I guess.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>