My H wants to take our traditional anniversary vacation in October. We've been doing this for years, one week a year away from the normal everyday married people/parents kind of life....no kids, no real responsiblities...sounds great doesn't it? I used to look forward to October and our trip........<BR>I DON'T WANT TO GO!!!!!!<BR>Last year was so awful, he pretending I was the most important thing in his life, me pretending I didn't know about the OW, both of us getting upset about the Clinton affair tv coverage......Him sneaking off to call HER, me pretending not to know.....And on our anniversary him telling me he never liked being married......IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ME!!!!!<BR>I know we should go and create new memories, but I just don't feel up to it.<BR>I tried to tell him, but he made reservations anyway.....says that he won't be punished for last year, that we're going that's it.....<BR>So I have three choices:<BR>1. Refuse to go (This is a lovebuster, I'm sure)<BR>2. Try one more time to explain why I don't want to go and then grin and bear it<BR>3. ..........<BR>Help me, what's my third choice?????????

Just why exactly are you not going? Is it something like you don't want to relive the pain? Or are you afraid of making some new good memories and then hurting more later? I would try and ferret out exactly what is making you anxious and then facing it and explaining it to him. <BR>That's not to say you shouldn't go, you probably should, it probably would be the best thing in the world for both of you. But I think you both need to know just what is making you uncomfortable with going and need to work on it together. <BR>I didn't want to go with my H the first time we went away after discovering the affair. I was afraid that the reason we were going is that he could let me down easy, do something nice and then stab me in the back. I was really silly, he just wanted to show me how committed he was to our marriage. But, I had to tell him about my thoughts for him and I to work them out. Communication is part of the break down or the build up of any marriage. Maybe this is your problem, maybe not, either way, try to communicate with him your indecisions. Good Luck, God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

Wow!<BR>One year since the discovery of your H's screw up and you two are still together. Sounds like your intentions are to stay together. Realize that and you may see that you do have something to celebrate. It could be soooo much worse, you could be mourning the loss of this love. A year ago the path you began to travel was painful, but you, in essense, made a new committment to each other, and part of that new agreement was to make things even better than before the discovery. You are aware now, of things that were not and had not been good between the two of you previous to the "discovery date",. You have both made efforts to reach into your hearts to forgive and grow stronger in your love for each other. Recount to yourself the deposits that have been made into your love banks over the last 12 months and celebrate that it has not all been a time of withdrawals. Buy yourself some really sexy something or other and get away together. He is your love! Live your decision and don't look back. Yesterday is gone. Let that pain and disappointment go or you may never feel vindicated for staying together this long. The love you feel for him, despite the pain you have felt in the past, is the only reality! Latch on to that and go for it! SMILE!<P>The miracle of the mind is that it can be changed from within. Realize that idea and change your mind to expect the best time ever for the both of you. <P>Well, That's my two cents.<P>Good luck and keep us posted.

Gee, I don't know what to say to you.<P>All I know is that I no longer feel married; I feel like our marriage ended 13 years ago and we've just been shacking up together. I no longer want to celebrate June 26. <P>I want a whole new anniversary. I'm trying to figure out how to tell this to my H without lovebusting.

Thanks......<P>I know I need to understand my fear(?) and then somehow explain it to my H.....I think it's the whole trigger thing.....last year I didn't want to go either (and it ended up being a horrible time) <P>My fear is reliving last year.....and I just finding out that it's been a sham all year, and he's trying to let me down easy?????<P>I'm going to try to explain this to him....but first I need to understand it on my own.....

I think you two are approaching this so differently, you are misinterpreting each other.<P>I would feel the same way.<P>I just had our wedding anniversary post discovery and we were at a wedding renewal party of all places.<P>It was hard. When I said I guess we are lucky we made it to this anniversary, I don't think H even knew what I was talking about for a minute. He just doesn't connect things the same way. I honestly don't want to celebrate anniversaries any more even though we are recovered. He told me he didn't want to marry me, but did it anyway (no I was not pregnant and yes he asked me) and although he keeps saying he is glad he is married, I can't imagine anniversaries ever being sweet again.<P>Since his affair was over the whole Christmas season, I am not looking forward to that. I love Christmas and have always went all out. Now I'm afraid everything will remind me of that horrible time.<P>So I understand, but I also understand how your husband doesn't understand and how it does not mean he is being calous...just clueless. <P>Don't have a good answer for you really, but sometimes defining the problem goes a long way.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

OnceHappy:<P>As much as it can be a lovebuster to educate your spouse, I suggest that you introduce him to the Policy of Joint Agreement. If it's easier to give him something to read, print it off this site. Otherwise, bring the subject up verbally.<P>Tell him that you'd like to come to a conclusion about this that will feel like a "win-win" situation for the both of you. And then negotiate the possibilities. Different location. Different time of year to take the trip. Not taking the trip this year, but doing a 2-week thing the following. Lay it all out on the table. <P>Let him know that you're not punishing him. And that you need his help in coming up with solutions. If he steadfastly refuses, let him know that it "appears to you" that should the two of you ever disagree, you're to shut up and do as you're told. If he agrees to that statement, well... <P>It's not a lovebuster to not go, if you've made yourself clear on the objections. That's not disrespect, and it's not a demand (though it might seem that way). I'd encourage you to find a way to negotiate yourself to a better solution, but I'd probably choose #1 over going and being resentful.