Well, I am new here, but I want to try not to write a novellette and lose everybdy's interest in replying, I hope you forgive me if I do. <P>Overview of the situation is: this a a second marriage for both of us, both 1st marriages were very young and his ended in him getting cheated on and coming into ours with stainless steel walls up. We have been together over 10 years, married over 8, have two kids together ages 9 & 8, and have had tremendous difficulties to over come through whole marriage due to affore mentioned walls.<P>Over the last 5 years there have been three other women who he classified as "just friends", (women that obviously, to me, were trying for my husband), that he said were not a threat, "he could never do that", but he would hang out with them and confide in them about how miserable he was, tell them stuff he wouldn't tell me. I'm sure you get the picture. He was always open with me about what was going on and I am sure that there was no PA with the first two. <P>The third however was the problem. He stopped telling me about her about a year ago, and it ended a couple months ago with him leaving us twice to move in with her- once for 1 day- once for 2 1/2 weeks, the second time he swears is the only time they actually had sex, and it was only once. Right after that he says is when he realized he was betraying everything that he ever cared about and just what he was losing, and he called and begged to come home.<P>A week later he finaly told me about all the lies he had told me and all the things he had done with her over the course of the year before. They weren't actually having sex- but the fact that he had had such a close relationship and spent so much time with her and treated me like garbage, and LIED to me even when I confronted him straight out about where he had been.. to hear the truth of what he was really doing while I was at home literally down on my knees begging him and God for help and feeling like it was my fault (and of course he told me it was back then), it's crushing. <P>I feel betrayed, mad, scared, angry, confused, most of all my self esteem and self confidence are just gone. I want to get through this because finally I have what I wanted all these years. The walls are gone, he worships me, is trully with me and ashamed of how he has hurt me, open and tolerant, all the things I prayed for. <P>Problem now is my fear (fear to the point that when I feel vulnerable I shake and withdraw), which I know is really my own insecurities, but I can't seem to get past it no matter what I read or do to date. How do you rebuild your self esteem and get past this fear? I need to find out because right now I really am the problem to our recovery and I know it, and I do want to give this an honest chance. Help, advice?<P>

Welcome NY!<P>Boy, are you in the right place. I'm pretty new here too and so maybe I'm not the best to dole out advice. Some of the SR members will have all sorts of links and information for you. <P>I spent a long time just reading through everything on the website to familiarize myself with the process and principals.<P>As for what you're going through, I can completele understand the fear, the self-esteem issues... <P>I feel like I'm very much in the same boat, only my H had a total of two EA's and six PA's . It was after the last one (May 2000) that he got that same wake-up call that your H did and spilled. He says the same things your H. does and the walls have come down, finally, AND he's working on himself, etc, etc, etc...<P>Yet I still walk around waiting for the next shoe to drop. I guess we're just programmed this way. Like the affairs somehow re-wired our circuits and now we're in "danger alert" mode and may stay this way for ever!<P>I'm finally considering anti-depressants again. The last time around they gave me Welbutrin. The week I started taking taking it a co-worker suffered a seizure at work, caused by the same drug. I've been afraid to go back to them since -- and advise EXTREME caution with Welbutrin especially. But after a year of dealing with this pain and fear and anxiety, I see that it's starting to take a physical toll on me. For one thing the anxiety attacks these past few weeks are just unbearable. When you talk about shaking and withdrawing, it sounds very, very familiar. <P>As for the self esteem, you have no reason to have suffered any loss of it. (Easy to say, I know but not so easy to believe). My H kept his walls up just like yours did and my self esteem suffered greatly because of it also. That compounded with the lies and deception.... We have a lot of work to do. Just please, please, don't blame yourself and realize that you could be Martha Stewart, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Elizabeth Hurley all rolled into one and your H. would have acted the same way!<P>Good luck to you. I hope someone more "knowledgeable" comes along with better advice for you. <P>Snow<BR>

Thank you for the response, I was starting to feel invisible. It realy is helpful to hear I'm not alone. I am terribly allergic to Wellbutrin, found this out trying to quit smoking a while back, but maybe should go for a Prozac update- I tried that after I hurt my back 6 years ago and it did help.<P>I can know and hear from him all day long it wasn't my fault, and it only seems to help mentally. The inner gut reactions just aren't changing. I've read this and many other sites, and again, mentally I can feel better, but the moment I start to relax and let myself take chances my "red alert" kicks in from inside me somewhere I have alot less control over, somedays I just want to cry all day for no good reason, even have troublwe getting dressed. I'm gaining weight, I think again to shelter myself, but knowing is not the same as fixing. <P>Meditation helps bring me back, but overall I know inside I feel second choice, afraid of getting hurt, afraid I will die if I have to go through that pain again, afraid if I let down my guard he will slip back into his old ways. It all boils down to not feeling good about me and comfortable that I would be ok if it happened again I think. That's the best I can figure out at present anyhow, and some days are alot worse than others, which is an improvement from when he first came home. Any advice support, good books, web sites, suggestions,anything is welcome. Thanks.<BR>

Dear ScaredInNY:<P>I understand about the walls that go up after something like this happens to you. You are afraid to believe anymore. (I wish we had a smilie with a big teardrop...how appropriate that would be in a lot of situations)<P>You are still among the walking wounded and it takes time to heal...there are so many good people here who have been in your shoes that I think you will find someone who can give you the help you need. I could probably stand as a prime example of what not to do when your WS comes home...but that was before MB.<P>I totally agree with Snowwhite about Martha Stewart, etc.<BR>Please don't let this undermine your self-esteem....it really is his problem...you just got caught in the middle.<BR>I think since he is so eager to repair the damage he's done it might be good for you to discuss this with him...using "I" statements of course about how this has affect you....if he really is remorseful he will alevate your concerns about this...because he knows the truth.<P>Welcome to the MB family. Please give this site a chance by staying long enough to become familar with all it has to offer...including some great people. Let us know how you're doing.<P>Faye<BR>