PLEASE HELP!! This is my first post here and I'm hoping someone can help me. I'm not legally married, but my fiancee and I have lived together for over two years and act as a married couple. We don't have any children. She is 29 and I am 22. She is from another state and gave up everything she had and knew to move here with me. We've always had our little fights here and there, but we've loved each other very much. About eight months ago, we almost split up because I spent too much time hanging out a a local pool room with my friends. I came home late often, and she decided that she'd had enough. I convinced her to give me another chance. Things were going well until recently. She occasionally goes home to visit her friends and family (about a four hour drive). She was gone for a week. I had had some doubts about things in our relationship and was quite confused. During this time, I ran into an ex-girlfriend's cousin that I had been friends with a few years ago. We talked a few times, and ended up sleeping together. The night this happened, I talked to my fiancee by phone, and told her I was having some doubts. She didn't seem to think much of it. I didn't tell her about the OW. After she came home, I ended up sleeping with the OW once more. This time I came home with a hickey on my neck. I managed to play off everything for a while, but eventually, due to what we thought was an STD, I had to tell her. It turned out just to be a yeast infection. Initially she was hurt, but now she's just angry. I have never cheated on her before, and broke it off with the OW. I got past my feelings of doubt and realized just how much I love my fiancee. However, she now wants nothing to do with me. She's always been a social drinker, but now she drinks everyday when she gets home, then goes straight to bed. She doens't want to talk, and if I try to talk to her, she gets mad all over again. I repeatedly tell her how sorry I am and that I love her, but nothing seems to matter. She told me tonight (while drunk) that she had no desire to try to work things out, and that I wasn't worth it. She keeps saying she just wants to go back home and move on. She says that she just feels nothing. I know that deep down, she still loves me, but doesn't want to tell me, and is afraid to be hurt again. It was just a one-time mistake....I haven't done this before and won't again. But how can I convice her of this? How can I get her to open up to me again? I've been trying so hard to prove myself again, but it's getting me nowhere. I'm hurting so bad right now....I want to save our relationship, but don't know how to get her to open up to this idea. PLEASE HELP!!<P>Point5<P>

Welcome <B>point5</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Counseling is the ideal to get on the track immediately...<P>In the mean time...do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>It is <B>not</B> a guarantee to save a relationship...<BR>...and saving a relationship... is harder than saving a marriage!<P>Without the formal commitment of marriage vows...<BR>...there is often little to hold on to...<BR>(even though marriage vows themselves don't seem to mean too much)<P>If the relationship doesn't work out...<BR>...Plan A will be the most healing path you can take.<P>Be honest...<BR>...honest about your commitment in what you learn here...<BR>...if you can't be honest about it...<BR>...it is best to start from scratch...<P>This will take incredible strength and courage and fortitude...<BR>...evaluate yourself...<BR>...but even more important... change yourself.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Welcome to Marriage Builders, point5,<P>Even though you aren't legally married, you say that you "feel" married... if your GF feels the same way, then what you have done to her is a HUGE betrayal, even if it just happened a couple of times. <P>I will be back tomorrow with more information for you, possibly my story. In the meantime, know that you're being heard, and this will also bring your post back up to the top for more input.<P>Best wishes...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited May 03, 2001).]

I can tell you from her perspective only, been there and have the fresh wounds dripping on my t-shirt, that when she is the most angry, screaming and withdrawn is the time she is really most afraid and hurt. <P>The best thing you can do is keep being there, try to hold her, try to be sincere, tell her you love her 100 times a day, especially when it looks the most like that is the last thing she wants, and don't ever try to justify what you have done or do anything but apologize and do take all the responsibility for your mistake and for hurting her - it will just fuel the fire to say "but I was having doubts about our relationship", believe me. <P>DO be honest, completely at all times about all things, be patient, and show her all the help you are getting to work on your relationship because you care. Again, no guarantees, and I'm not a professional, but I know that's what I want most when I am most scared, and it seems from reading other posts that I am not alone in how I have reacted.<BR>

point5-My situation is very similar to yours. . we aren't married, but have been together for 5 years. I am the betrayed. . it still makes me feel a little weird saying that b/c he left (broke up w/me, whatever) right before the A started. So. . technically he did not cheat on me. . but boy did it feel like it.<P>I guess what I'm trying to convey is I totally understand your comment about "acting like we are", about the feelings you have, even though you aren't married. His A is over now and things are getting much better. . we still have tons to work out, but we're starting.<P>This has forced me to grow in ways I didn't even know I needed to. . give her some time. Read some of the books this site has to offer. And the best piece of advise I can give you is try, try, try to understand her feelings about it all. I do not AT ALL mean to take lightly the commitment of marriage, I felt guilty for a long time posting here b/c we were not married. But I do know that with or without a marriage certificate. . it still hurts.<P>Good luck & read as much of the information here as you can. It has helped & taught me more than I ever could imagine.

point 5,<P>Why were you hanging out with your friends if your SO is your best friend?<P>Did you resent her asking you to spend more time with her?<P>I think there's something more going on here than the affair. The affair happened because of something else.<P>I'd recommend that you consider talking with a counselor.<P>~Amy

I had stopped hanging out with my friends all the time, and no, I didn't resent it. My fiancee is my best friend, I just took a lot of things for granted that I never noticed until now. I believe my feelings of doubt arose from this.