What a difference a day makes - no, not in my wife, but in my frame of mind. Thanks to many kind words from MBers, I feel like I'm back in the hunt.<P>Interesting thing happened yesterday evening. <Son> and I pulled into the driveway after running some errands, and a strange car was there. Turns out it was the Mom of a family we lived near in N.C. back in the early '90s who also was both son's Godmother. She is in town for some breast cancer gathering. She and my wife are best friends and we frequently visited each other after we moved away. When my wife's A started, I confided in this friend for support because she knew us both so well and endured our son's illness with us. I knew my wife would also confide in her, but in a way that blamed me for the separation. Sure enough, it ended up putting this lady in the middle, so I stopped talking and e-mailing her many months ago, figuring she was probably in frequent contact with my wife and probably believed her side of the story. Boy was I wrong! First thing she did was fuss at <son> and I for not keeping in touch with her. She said she never hears from my wife, and the few times she did after the separation, she could tell my wife wasn't giving her the straight story. She said she may not even contact her while she's here. She threatened us with bodily harm if <son> and I don't come visit them this summer for some beach time.<P>Well, there you go. More evidence of self imposed isolation on my wife's part. <P>Certainly this must be a guilt/shame thing common to WSs. <BR>Any other similar observations? And, is this just an interesting symptom, or can it be useful somehow. For instance, if <son> and I go to visit this family, my wife will likely feel threatened/paranoid because she's left out and she'll know we're talking about her. Good LB or bad LB? (Like good and bad cholesterol )<P>Dave

This is an interesting development. When I was wayward I shut myself off from everyone. Everyone. I didn't want to talk to anybody anywhere because I hated myself so much and I was so ruined that my energy for even being alive was just sapped. Sounds like maybe your wife is suffering the same thing?

Dave...<P> <P><B>Clarity?</B> is right...<BR>...an all too common occurance.<P>My xW's separation from all her family continues...<BR>...although for Easter she sent flowers to her mom...<BR>...but the "tag" said from "<daughter> and <om>"....<BR>...it made her mom furious!<P>About visiting...<BR>...it's an unlikely LB...<BR>...it's a normal "human" thing to visit those who love you!<BR>...don't exclude yourself/and son... from the kindness of others... it will make you more "human"...<P>Love.<P> <P>Jim

Dave,<BR>Yep, your wife will feel that way until she wakes up. I don't know what to say but I'm glad to see you stay in the furum. I hope the sun will shine on you and your family someday. <P>OOOO

I am so glad that you are feeling better, I have been there too. I don't know how long you have been living in Plan B, but I have for 3 months, only talked to WH 1 time during that time. He calls his teenage sons only 1 time per week for only short converstations, doesn't really want to see or talk to any of us. But, if you turn them over to God, God does have a way of taking care of it. I have found out recently that so many of our church friends and others have seen WH out and gone to him to confront him, all have said that he had "Big Tears" in eyes. Believe me when I say their lives are "Living Hells" now. One way for you to realize how much better you are is to realize and be thankful that you are on the side you are on and not in her shoes. I can't even imagine what guilt and fear they must have. Just pray for her and try to move on and do some things that you enjoy, be the best parent you can, that is the most important thing now. And honestly, I can say that I am now enjoying my new found freedom of not worrying about WH, I like having my time and doing what I want. Continue to remember that this is not about you, it is about her and her relationships and her selfishness! Hope this helps, SEF

Losing contact is normal from what I've experienced. My wife pretended that she still talked to two of her best friends, who also have children. I ran into one of them 2 months ago, and surprise, she never hears from my wife, and my wife never returned her calls. I called the other friend (couple friends) and invited them over so our kids could play, same deal. Never hears from my wife.<P>She cut off contact with everyone but her new immature idiots, who know nothing about us. She also cut off contact with my family, her family for the most part (they are all shocked and disappointed), and avoids anyone from our previous life. Oh, my wife also cut off contact with a friend of hers that was fighting cancer. Isn't that nice.<P>I figure that me seeing any of our friends she cut off contact with will be an LB when she finds out, but I'm risking that one.<P>Nice to see a ray of sunshine on a dreary day for you.

When it was finally revealed that my H was having an EA, still denies PA, his buddies stil hung out. I think they would still hang out except now he has cut off all contact with them. They all know now that he is living with his #2OW and can't believe it. <P>He has cut off all contact with his family except his brother (who is div. remarried with 2 new kids) and he keeps in contact with a good friend who lives far away. (I am not sure about that) Anyway, he has "left" this life and found his new, new life and seems to be "jsutified" in his mind in everything he does because 1) I told him to leave the house 2)"he tied to fix the marriage and he just gave up" (he forgot to tell me) 3) isn't it better that kids grow up in a "broken" home than a home that is unhappy ( he was the only unhappy one and forgot to tell us).<P>While I don't think my H is proud of what he has done, this is his choice and yaeh, I did it the wrong way but oh well. <P>His new life and family accept all his lies and untruths because they don't know anybetter. It makes me laugh because this weekend H has kids and they are going to OW#2 child's CONFIRMATION. Hello, you hypocrites. My H is a married man and all of you are condoning and participating in his adultery and the breakdown of his marriage or at least hindering the repair. <P>Maybe people don't understand what hypocracy means?<P>Hopelessmom

So glad you're feeling better today and that you're back on the bandwagon. <P>As for visiting this friend---go for it---you need the support!<P>Have a great weekend!

WAT,<BR>I'm glad you're feeling better. I really hoped that you wouldn't quit posting your story and helping people. We really do care.<P>I know all about the distancing from people. My W does not talk about anything with her family. She is at her sisters house (her sister has cancer and is undergoing treatment with 2 small children), but she NEVER talks about us while she is there. She used to call and talk to her mom almost everyday, but now she never talks to her. I talk to her mom more than she does. She tried the approach of telling them it was all my fault and that there was NO affair, but that didn't last too long. Ironically (sarcasm intended), the only people she tells anything to is her two friend (both of whom are divorced and now having affairs with married men). I guess birds of a feather ...<P>Anyway, glad to see you feeling better. Glad you've found more support. I've found that when people I didn't expect to support me indeed do, its like having one more burden lifted off. Such is the case with my inlaws. I think support is very important. I couldn't imagine going through this alone.<P>Good luck<BR>dave (S&C)<P>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited May 04, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited May 04, 2001).]

Thanks for the kind words, and sharing your WSs isolation stories. I reckon that when the aliens scrambled their brains, they got all their old world friends mixed up with random new world friends. Actually, we shouldn't be surprised that they want to avoid anyone who may find fault with their behavior.<P>The visit from my son's Godmother was both unexpected and uplifting and it rerally helped me recover from yesterday's funk. The Big Guy can be real subtle sometimes, can't He?<P>SEF- I'm not in Plan B, technically. Been Plan A'ing since June, before I knew what it was. Plan B could be soon - still have some tax issues to shake out that will require a lot of face time.<P>WAT

dave,<P>My WS sure has cut contact with anyone from our former life. Hid Bf, outside of work, the man who he thought of as a brother, was closer to than a brother, who hated what my H was/is doing but told him he be there always for him, he go for monthts without seeing, it was always BF tracking H down. He did call him before he left to move here but when he has been back to the states I am sure he didn't call.<P>My H never calls his mom, only makes contact with his family after they do & most of the time doesn't answer their emails, it is me that does all that.<P>OW, friends from work, OW's family & the friends they have togethar are what my H has now.<P><BR>Glad your friend came to see you, YOu go to NC this summer, enjoy yourself, let your W stay back where you live now, & know that the only reason she is not there is herself<P>Glad you are still going to be around. Who else will tell me to keep hanging, we can both do this awhile longer. I am not ready for the D/D board, are you?<P>your LB fairie waiting in the wings

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Clarity?:<BR><B>This is an interesting development. When I was wayward I shut myself off from everyone. Everyone. I didn't want to talk to anybody anywhere because I hated myself so much and I was so ruined that my energy for even being alive was just sapped. Sounds like maybe your wife is suffering the same thing? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I called it <B>The Cave</B> and I went in and out of it several times over the course of the withdrawl and subesequent struggles with my ex.<P>Then I found a <psychic> grassy knoll and went *up there* to rest at times... <P>It takes <darn, I hate saying this> TIME. <blech><P>Glad you're feeling better Dave!! Have a good weekend!!<P>

Thanks sing and NB. <P>Clarity! - you know, I don't know if my wife feels anything, but she is definitely not in withdrawal. Were you refering to your withdrawal stage?<P>WAT

Hi WAT,<P>Sorry, I didn't catch this thread before I gave my other response. I am glad you were able to meet up with a family friend. <P>I decided that I was going to go on with my life, go to plan b, go out and visit with others. I recommend the same for you, if it makes you and your son feel good. <P>You are entitled to feeling good. You have a good cheering section here. <P>Take Care and have a nice weekend. <P>L.<BR>

WAT, I keep reading your posts, because in SOOOOOO many ways your wife's behavior and my H's is identical. My H is also NOT feeling anything... Kind of like being a shell of a human being right now. He has isolated himself from family and friends also, but has recently begun bridging the gap to his family.... still making me the bad guy...<P>Although they don't really believe it, they also realize they can't control it. <P>But I wanted to know if you have ever read any of the posts on another forum called the Midlife Forum. I can't figure out how to do the link here. I guess I'm not completely computer literate.<P>What I wanted to share...was that there is a man who posts under the name Lost man...in the Midlife His section of that forum, who describes to a TEE what I think (but dont' really know of course) my H is feeling and experiencing. THis particular man is coming out of the tunnel. OR as he puts it out of the fog. If you read his history you see the events that put him into it in the first place. Many times it is a crisis that seems to precipitate the unraveling of many issues from their pasts. Anyway, it's been enlightening to me.. <P>For me, it helps me to understand, that very often, though we are the target, (and it is so difficult to deal with that)....it is simply not the case. And maybe it won't save all marraiges anyway, but does lend some understanding and hopefully compassion to those of us "left behinds" or "walked away froms"<P>