After almost 3 months of living in Plan B and only talking to WH one time during this period, I am finding that I like my independence and the fact that I don't have to worry about what he is doing and what will happen. Have you who have been there, found it hard when and if the WS comes back to readjust to them. One the other side, I am also thinking that he is probably just as happy with his independence and separation and that is why there is no contact? What do you who have been there think? Also some of you WS can you help me understand what goes on in the minds and lives of the WS who are in isolation??? Thanks, SEF

There were times during my separation I enjoyed being able to do what, when and where without having to tell anyone. Also enjoyed not having to feel like my bedroom had to be picked up, etc, not having to cook. All that good stuff. However, every time I hung up the phone from talking with H, I had a pain in the pit of my gut.

Thanks Janie, That is exactly how I feel and God has shown me through this that whatever happens whether he choses not to bring my WH back that I can survive. I guess I don't feel those pains myself, since my WH won't talk to me, if he sends me a Email it is about 6 words, straight to the point. The rejection was so so hard at first, but now I feel more sorry for him because he has lost everything, his wife, his family, his church, his character, his intergrety and most of all his own self respect. Is your WS back with you?

Dear Sef,<P>Yes, independance felt good. It actually helped plan B work better for me and lessened the impact of guilt I was carrying due to the WS's waffling. <P>Now, we are in the 6th day of his return home. Things are still unpacked but making slow but steady progress. I will be updating my post later (maybe this weekend). I have since lost some of my freedom but willing to pay that price to reconcile my marriage. H is helping but could be better at it. I am trying to concentrate on the positive points. A little progress a little backsliding, small LBs, bigger deposits to the bank (both the $ and the love one - ha ha). <P>Do I miss my freedom? Yes a bit. The house was easier to clean, I fret about being late from work, getting chores done. But it is just a bit more than before. See, I had to do those things anyway. So it is a matter of perception or the mind over matter theory: If you don't mind, then it don't matter. <P>Hope this is helpful. There are many here who will say I should be grateful for what is happening and I am. Just cautious. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Dear SEF:<P>I know this separation is hard, but you are experiencing one good aspect of it....the freedom to do as you like. And the absence of a WS is not necessarily a bad thing. During the marriage, things were not right...something was missing...perhaps for you, apparently for him (although I think at times the WS is not quite sure himself why the A has happened)....this time apart can give you the space to come to terms with what is wrong with your marriage.<P>Please let me assure you that contact is not always the better thing....I have daily contact (7 hours at day) with WS because we have a business together....and I must endure all the evidence of his other relationship...while trying to deal with our problems as well. After a year of dealing with it I finally had to go into an emotional Plan B where I could remove myself emotionally from the situation...while he and I worked independently on our problems. It's still very hard....there is always some little things that will set me off and leave me hurt and upset...but not nearly as many as when I had emotional contact with him. He understands what is going on and is not upset about it, but like a typical fence-sitter, conflict avoider he wants to have me too.<P>Please know that he is in his "fog" right now...he can't see the forest for the trees....so try not to get discouraged because he is not contacting you. Look at Lora's WS and how long he stayed out of contact. I don't think contact is indicative of how the WS feels about us...but it could be indicative of the level of their guilt...I believe the more confusion and guilt they feel the more they try to avoid contact so as not to have to experience that confusion and guilt.<P>One aspect of this new freedom that you spoke of is that it also gives us time to think about what we have been missing in the marriage....and often the BS has ENs that have not been met either (oftentimes there are more EN of the BS not being met then the needs of WS)...take this time to examine your life and decide what <B>you</B> really want as well.<BR>After all you need and deserve to be happy in this marriage too.<P>Faye<BR>

Thanks Faye, yes I do believe you have hit on something that I hadn't thought of. Yes, my EN have not been met for some time and I was like an empty pitcher that was pouring out to everyone else, but noone was filling me back up. Now I seem to do things that fill a little back up. When I released my WH to God a couple of weeks ago, seems like I have a new found peace, I guess it's like "out of sight, out of mind". The only real problem I face is the worry of money and the fact that if he stops putting money in the bank, I will have to move and do something else to see that the financial end is legal. I live 2 weeks at a time, to see if he puts money in. To you who have their WS back, did you make a "returning to our house" list of things that needed to be agreed to and things that needed to be changed before they came back??

Hi SEF, <P>Just wanted you to know I'm reading and care...<P>I did have a "need to do" list, and I'm divorced. It depends on what you can put up with, live with, etc.<P>Just hi, and hugs (((((SEF)))))<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Hi SEF,<P>I really know what you mean. I was alone for 8 months and did not really mind. It was a releif after living with a lieing cheating spouse for a year. I didnt cook a real meal for the entire time, I only ran the dishwasher once a week, I did great on conserving energy. LOL My house felt uncluttered and clean.<P>Now my H has been back 3 weeks, it was a bit of a shock to have him move all that stuff back in. To have to cook, to be presentable at all times. But there are the great things to counter that, some one to mow the lawn, to open jars, to cuddle with in bed and more.<P>I did set some rules for him to come back. Change his cell phone, be honast about contact with OW, go to counseling, not bring any of her gifts here. He was agreeable to all. I would not go into great detail with an agreement, you dont want to freak him out, but do let him know what you need to feel safe.<P>Lora

SEF - It took awhile, and I'm still a Plan A'er, but yes, now I almost look forward to times when I am alone. My WS is not my wife, if you know what I mean, so I don't even like being around her. She's the evil twin.<P>When my son and I are together, it is Heaven on Earth. We can burp and make other bodily noises without fear of reprisal. We can listen to the Beatles REAL LOUD!!!! We can get away without making our beds. Guy stuff is accepted!!<P>Hey, I almost forgot, the Braves are on........<P>WAT

Dear Sef,<P>I did. I set the rules for return. Put the needs of family ahead of needs of H. Kind of like a reverse plan A. <P>Of course, I also told H that he was on the verge of losing us and meant it. In other words, this was the last chance I had planned to give H and meant it. Important to know that I was not threatening. I had already made up my mind that I would make it with or without H. <P>Next, I asked for all communication to be stopped. No more e-mails, phone calls, response to voice-mails, visits, etc. <BR>Gave a date deadline. H met it. Took it pretty much up the limit but made the deadline with 5 days to spare. It was hard the 1st 3 days (with the 25 voicemails, 2 nasty and gross e-mails, her attempts to setup secret accounts, etc.) but he is still here. He let me listen to 23 of the voicemails and read the 2 ugly e-mails. It was hard and I deleted them as I listened to them. <P>Taking one day at a time right now. Listening to the advice of those of others and working towards setting up counseling sessions again are the next steps for us. <P>Hope some of this info has been helpful. <P>L.<BR>

thanks O, I know that there may not be any hope for my WS. with every day that passes with no contact is another day that can't be relived. It scares me to think how much time 15 mths has been wasted and ruined. I just wish I knew what God had in mind for the end result? I know that I will MAKE my WH get a test for STD/AIDS before anything can happen too, and counseling for him and both of us. Sometimes it tears me up to see what damage WH has done to himself for the rest of his life, and I live with the damage he has done to our family especially sons. I am up now because 17 yr old is not home yet, son also got mad at work (at Wendy;s) and walked off at his break and didn't go back to work. Now, he is unemployed and has no way to pay his car insur and cell phone bill and will want to be out every night of the week. He has no respect for me or anything here at home, since his father has no respect for me or us either. It just tears me up, that my son, who is leaving for the Nat Guard boot camp June 1, will be leaving on such a bad memory. This whole situation is so un called for and selfish on my WH fault and now I am expected to pick up the shattered pieces and fix them and only he can do that, it is beyond my fixing. I do hope that your marriage works out, I don't know if the bitterness and resentment I feel will ever go away. Thanks for listening! SEF