My W (WS) said last night (again) that she still can't commit to us 100% and that it's not right for her to come home until she can. (I suppose that means if she ever can.)<P>She says she has times when she can't possibly imagine us not together and she has other times when she just can't see herself coming home. <P>Two things/questions:<P>1. She says her A has made her question all of her feelings--about me, about us, about our marriage and she needs to feel good about all of that before she can make a decision: "How could I do this to you and cause so much pain?" "What kind of person does that make me?" are some of her statements. <BR> Does this sound like someone who has any intention of returning to the marriage?<P>2. We see each other three or four times a week...sometimes not very long...we e-mail and talk every day and she tells me ever day she loves me. But, I guess my point with her is that we need to get back to a loving relationship for us to be successful. When we fell in love the first time we didn't do it by keeping each other at arm's length. We did it by spending quality time together. I would like to do more of that but right now she's says she is not there yet. Is this a reasonable request from me or do I need to continue to give her space?<P>She keeps saying she isn't where I am in the relationship and she says it isn't fair for her to "lead me on."<P>Why does this all have to be so confusing and hard????? <P>

Elad - I don't know the answers, but if she's sincere try to get both of you into some counseling. If she's truthful, you're WAY ahead of where most of us are. Don't try to rush it. Listen to her and validate her feelings. Demonstrate your improvements. You've heard all this before, just take it slow. Get some input from former WSs who can identify with her better than you and I.<P>WAT

elad,<P>Have you ever thought about reverse physcology? Tell her you love her too and then I think you are right may be we both need our space. I do it with my husband all the time.

mon,<P>I do tell her i love her everyday...are you suggesting that we reduce our contact? Both of us need space? How does this work on your husband?<P>I ahve actually thought about that but it seems to be a Plan A contradiction. <P>

Hi Elad,<P>Which is the greater need at this time, pleasing your W or protecting your needs? This is the primary difference between plan A & B. <P>If possible, you may benefit by scheduling a session with Steve or Jennifer. They can help you determine which plan is best based on your current situation and help you draft a good letter for either plan A or B. <P>L.<BR>