My husband is now a recovering alcoholic, but for the past 8 years, he has been an active heavy drinker.he is actually still having an occasional glass of wine now and then. ( <P>But he didn't drink heavily until the day we got married! He even passed out on our honeymoon night. We checked into the hotel suite & 10 minutes later, he was out cold. I spent our entire night crying and confused Then, 2 weeks after our wedding, he was arrested in the grocery store for stealing cigarettes (when he had more than enough money to buy them) he just thought he could get away with it. I had to call our new next door neighbors (who were a doctor couple & coming over for dinner at our house that night) to pick me up at the grocery store because I couldn't drive my husband's stick shift. They ended up having to bail him out of jail. I was totally humiliated. I remember sitting on my couch alone, looking at our shimmering Christmas tree, and thinking..It's not supposed to be like this. I just got married 2 weeks ago. Everything is supposed to be happy and normal. I think my attraction for him starting dying right then and there. But consciously, I did not realize that.<BR>Years went on & he never seemed to be able to pay for our bills or our rent. My parents always ended up paying our way for things. I held jobs once in a while but nothing steady. I was pretty depressed but nothing that showed from the outside. I think this stopped me from function and obtain a good job that would pay the bills. Also, it is VERY important to add that months prior to meeting my husband, I had ended a 5 year long relationship with a man that was a closet drug addict. he was in law school and a college graduate but I didn't know he was unfaithful and an addict until the last few years of our relationship. This relationship scarred me intensely.<P>Back to my marriage: As the years went by I came to realize I couldn't count on my husband for a many things. He never could maintain our house or bills. We had creditors calling every day. He was constantly falling asleep on the couch instead of coming to bed. And if I did wake him up, he was extremely cruel and belligerent. During the day when he wasn't drinking, we were fine. despite all of this, we were very close friends and enjoyed a tremendous amount of common interests. <P>4 years into our marriage he had managed to open our own profitable company. We were hugely successful and attempted to start a family. After surgery to conceive, we were blessed with a baby girl. Unfortunately, during this time, my husband's drinking took a turn for the worse. he was never there at the end o my pregnancy he wrecked his car 4 times in a month & managed to drive into our garage door one night. He always came home so drunk that he couldn't stand up. I had to have my parents stay with me on the weekends to help with my premature baby. My husband was always asleep, or calling me a bad mother because I had post partem depression. He lost our business and we had to sell our new home.<P>After we moved to another state and tried to open a company there. It failed miserably. During this time, I began drinking more wine at night to cope with the pain of being emotionally alone and financially broke. I never drank to the point of not being able to care for my child or being coherent, but still, it was more than a normal person would drink. During this time, my husband and I began talking of an open marriage. You see, for the past few years, I had became very unattracted to him, so he had gone without any psychical intimacy. I tried and tried to overcome that & felt extremely bad over it. The subject sounded attractive to him because he missed having sex. I did too! But I wasn't about to have sex with him because it disgusted me. I had lost all attraction towards him. Yet, in the back of my mind, I thought he would grow up & become the man I thought I had married..so this *seemed* like a good temporary solution. I KNOW..STUPID! But I was so beaten down by years of disappointment and distrust that I was seeking an outlet. Yet at the same time, I wanted to keep my marriage. We chose two people that we both trusted and knew wouldn't try to break up our marriage.,..His ex Brother In Law by marriage and my best friend. I know..horrible! WHAT were we thinking? That's just it..we weren't thinking normally. It turns out that he never acted upon our agreement because my best friend lived 400 miles away & backed out, but I acted upon it. But he did talk to her on the phone and I know they talked about sex when they did talk. He wrote her via email a few times as well. From there, with me, it got out of hand. I went over board. It was so liberating that I let it get out of control. It was DEFINITELY not the answer to my problems. My husband was hurt badly by this; even though he agreed to it AND got mad when I wanted to back before it started. I ended it but not until a year and a half later. I realized it was wrong and that God wouldn't want that. But my thinking was so clouded by years and years of emotional abuse from addiction by not just my husband, but my former boyfriend. here I was 32 years old and I had never known what a normal, loving, secure relationship was. My husband now acts as though he is holier-than-thou because he didn't physically act on anything. Even though he would have in heart beat & he DID talk sexually over the phone with my friend. And I caught him secretly talking with her recently.<P>It was confusing because despite all of this craziness, my husband and I were truly connected as best friends. We were raised with strong moral values (this is why the open marriage thing was so insane for us to even consider). We both came from homes that were Christian and not affected by divorce. Both of us came from wealthy families and we were close to our family. Although my husband's father was an alcoholic (but he was 6 years recovered at the time of his death)<P>8 years later, here we are..My husband is sober for 3 months now & attending AA. He now has a wonderful job with excellent benefits. But he cannot get over this situation happening with us. I need to add that I caught him talking with my so called nest friend behind my back. I ended my friendship with her. This was AFTER the fact of us trying to put our marriage back together and trying to get over the Open marriage thing. So it is not like he has been a saint.<P>We are now separated due to him finding out about an incident with me and his brother in law meeting at a time he didn't know about) This was 1 year ago when this happened. I have since been faithful and leading my life with God. I have asked forgiveness and am a Christian. Everything I do is positive and loving & respectful of others. I do not drink except for an occasional glass of wine socially.. <P>Still..I don't know what to do..Should we divorce or is it worth counseling over? And even if we heal, will I ever be attracted to him again. Because right now when he touches me, it's like my brother touching me. It makes me want to peel off my skin. I do not find him sexually attractive in the least.I havent been attracted in that way for 5 years now. HOW can that be gotten back? He feels more like a brotherand it feels disgusting to think about sex with him now. And to be honest, I'm usually attracted to a different body type and height than him. I know that sounds shallow, but it is important. However my sister made a good point. She said it wouldn't matter if he were 4 3',, that if he had been respectful of me, treated me well & was a good man I could count on all these years, that I would be attracted to him. That attraction comes from more than height body type. I know this is true, but still I second guess myself. is this all from the addictions I have lived with? That is why I am wondering if it is salvageable at all. We both ADORE our daughter who is now 3. And my husband is the BEST father to her in this world. he would do anything for her and is 100% hands on father. I cant imagine her living without us both is the same house, but we both deserve peace and happiness. My husband and I are both willing to go to counseling and realize we need it whether we break up or stay together. We think of each other in everything we do during the day...I just don't know what to do. I don't want to go to counseling and put a Band-Aid over this if I cant get the attraction back he deserves a physical intimacyin a relationship as I do. I desperately am ready to feel and live again & I know he is. he is trying to get his act together and he deserves a good life as I do. No matter what, we want counseling to understand what we have been through and done to each other & to raise our daughter with love and strength in her knowing that her mother and father love her and each other..whether apart or together.<P>Please..no scathing remarks or insults. Until you have walked in my shoes, please don't judge. I know it is easy to do, but please don't. Thank you. I need prayers over this. I am a christian now, but seem to be having to pay for past sins.<P>

AprilLynn,<P>I don't have a lot to offer except this: don't give up until you have given counseling a chance... you are right that your daughter deserves to have both of you in her life, and you and your husband both deserve to find a path to happiness - together.<P>Read the book "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis. Also try to recognize that men deal with infidelity differently (in my opinion) than do women... I really do think that for many of them "it's a 'guy' thing."<P>Good luck - I think this place might be very helpful to you.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

AprilLynne,<P>Let me first of all say that I find it incredibly brave of you to come here with your entire story and seek the help you feel you need.<P>It is so wonderful to hear that you and your husband are both interested in counselling, in that one step alone you may find that your marriage and life together is salvageable. Your daughter does deserve both parents who are committed to building a strong relationship and a beautiful family together. Build on the common ground of your love for your daughter and the love you felt for one another and probalby still do fell under all the hurt you have caused ech other.<P>One more thing - don't be afraid of getting "flamed" here. Most people who come to this site are here because <BR>1)They need help with their marriages and relationships<BR>2)they have received help and are trying to give back now<BR>3)They care about others<BR>Anybody who comes here who is honestly looking for the answers to save their marriages, work on improving themselves and end an affair relationship will get the help and support they need without the flames.<BR>"Flames" - if you want to call them that - are usually in the form of words that somebody doesn't want to hear.<BR>"End your affair"<BR>"You can't still be friends with the OP"<BR>Appear to be flames to somebody who is still in "the fog" and who is not ready to take on the responsibilty for what they have done.<P>Form your initial post, I see someone who is truly looking to resolve the issues in her life, I see someone who has taken the responsibility for her actions and wants to do something about it.<BR>You won't get scathing remarks - at least not from me.<BR>God Bless you for your strength and courage.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited May 05, 2001).]

Oh Nicole, ((( God bless you)))) What a wonderful, sweet post. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.<P><BR> My husband and I are trying to find a counselor we like. And I have bought 2 books and one audio tape on marriage counseling. Tomorrow, we will attend a church pinic together..and he is moving back in. We will go from here. I know it wont be easy, but God is in my life.<P>And dont worry, the OP is WAY out of my life. Havent spoken to him in over a year & dont want to. :-)<P>God bless you<P>April

AprilLynne,<P>Just want to say "Your Most Welcome" and let you know not to worry if you don't get a lot of responses right away, weekends are really slow here and sometimes new posts get lost in the shuffle.<P>Things generally pick up on the week days when people pop in and out on their computers at work.<P>God Bless you , H and D<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole