My wife and i have been together for almost 6 years now and married for 3. We have had a great relationship to this point. Recently we went to mexico for a little vacation. We had 2 great days and nights until the last night. the last night before we had to depart; we decided to go to a club. We had been drinking all day (which is very rare for us). We arrived at the club and got a table and some more drinks. i was feeling pretty tired at this point but the additional drinks got my wife pretty energized. at this point she wanted to dance but i didnt feel like it. So she went to dance alone. She was gone about 15 minutes and during that time i started feeling sorry for myself. thinking that my wife should have wanted to stay with me instead of dancing alone. When she came back in had worked myself into being mad. I told her how inconsiderate is was for her to leave me their alone (alcohol was talking) and so she got mad and walked away. i thought she would soon come back but she did not. I got worried (b/c we were in mexico and she was pretty drunk) and went looking for her. I finally saw her sitting on some steps talking with some guy. They were below me on the first floor; i yelled a couple of times to try and get her attention but the music was too loud. I continued to look at her hoping she would notice me. Then all of the sudden the guy pulled her face toward his and started kissing her. i expected her to pull back or slap him or something but she didnt. I was a matter of 3 seconds before i got down to them and stopped the kiss. I grabbed my wife and yelled what are you doing? She said, "what? we were just talking". The guy was flipping out b/c he thought i was about to kill him; but i didnt. Her and i left and went back to the hotel. She didnt remember the kiss or even the guy and still doesnt remember anything about that night after she danced. Not even our arguement. seeing this take place just crushed me.I couldnt believe in any state, she would let this happen. That same night i was so pissed and hurt i told her i wanted a divorce. Of course that hasnt happened. That night ruined a great trip. Since then she has been so remorseful, embarrassed and ashamed about the incedent and still does not remember what happened. Side note: we recently had a baby and the doctor put her on zoloft for slight depression. You are really not suppose to drink while taking that stuff. I was so comfortable and secure in our relationship until this happened and now thats all i can think about. If we did not have our beautiful daughter, i dont know if i could remain with her. I want to believe that this was just a fluk but if i had asked her prior to this, if something like this could happen, she would have said no. Being drunk is no excuse for infidelity. I cant stop playing the what if game with myself. what if i hadnt walked up? how far would it have gone. Can i ever trust her again if she is out drinking without me? Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. <BR>

Hi dc,<P>The weekends are very slow around here... but allow me to officially welcome you to Marriage Builders.<P>Let me share our welcome post with you, just click on the underlined link and read, before you do anything else: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A><P>About your post: what your W did was WRONG, and you have every right to worry if she's out there drinking with her single friends or alone.<P>I'd suggest a look at Plan A: read about it here --- <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A><P>Also check out: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A><P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A><P>and the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A>, which will be invaluable to you as you try to speak with her regarding your fears.<P>Finally, see <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A> -- which is counseling available through this site. You might need some help (as many of us do) as you begin to navigate this rocky road.<P>You have a right to be concerned.<P>Post and read... and remember, it will get busy again (more replies) on Monday.<P>Best wishes...<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Would most of you feel that what she did was cheating? even though she doesnt remember anything? I do.

ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY IT **<B>IS</B>** CHEATING... <P>Make no mistake -- it IS!! ... and I'm sorry...

I would say that this was the very sad result of a combination of many things - alcohol, anger and if you face facts - probably something wrong in your marriage. You say that she is on anti-depressants - Why? Not the reason that she has told you - the real Why?<P>To find this out you need to have a really long talk with your wife - and you need to make her feel secure enough to be able to open up to you, and prepared to face some possibly hurtful remarks about your relationship. Get the book 'His Needs, Her Needs', or look elsewhere on this website for more information on it and see if there are needs that aren't being fulfilled within your marriage - on both sides. It is very common for a wife and a husband's most important needs to be very different indeed, which leads to the unhappy scenario of one spouse thinking the marriage is wonderful, while their partner is gradually sinking into a pit of disillusionment. This kiss was a warning signal, but the danger can be alleviated if you can both work hard to improving your marriage. Best of luck.

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 11:12 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

I was in Mexico before I was married and did many things I wish I dont remember. I am shy and hate danceing and I was dancing on the table.<P>I have heard and I beleive it is true that they make womens drinks stronger there. They think all American women are loose anyway. So I would not consider it an affair, but I would consider it overindulging , a laspse in judgement and poor communication. all needing to be discussed.<BR>Lora

Clearly <B>dc</B>, there are some varied thoughts on this subject.<P>I think you know your W best, and your gut will tell you if this was a one-time "oops, drank too much" problem or not. I stick by my original thoughts however... I've been plastered off my a$$ and still remember what I did (mostly barf! )... but again, everyone is different.<P>Keep posting, keep reading, and check in with us and let us know what you decide.<P>Best wishes...

You could also look at it this way..was your wife still drinking when she was talking to this guy?? He COULD have put something in her drink..not realizing she was married and YOU were still there...and that topped with the drinking ALL day..and the medication (zoloft)<P>Not trying to make excuses for her...but if she's apologized..then it's time for you to really forgive her<BR>and move on..<P>And to Paintbox..if she's just had a child..it could be depression called the "baby blues" which is actually quite<BR>common among woman who have recently given birth..and it can<BR>effect you in ways worse than typical depression...

thank you all for your replys. To the person who asked why is my wife really depressed. I guess you have never had a baby or know your facts about the post delivery phase. It is very common (more than not) that women have post pardem depression and are prescribed anti depressants for a year or so after giving birth. My wife is a very open woman and she doesnt believe in staying in a situation/ relationship if she is not happy. So to you, thanks for your imput but you are way off the mark. Hopefully the rest of you are right and this is an isolated incedent. But if not and this happens again; i will be single shortly after that.Good luck to all of you and i will keep you posted

DC1,<P>I totally relate to what your wife did. What does it really mean - thats what you're after. You have a lot of answers here - but I may be somewhat uniquely qualified since I have been in you're wife's shoes.<P>You see, I am a WS, and the sitution you described is the story of all my PAs. You asked where would it have ended up. Nobody can say for certain - however, as you describe her condition - it could have ended up in a sexual encounter - or as nothing at all. I suppose you have to be glad that you came upon it and stopped it. I know in my case - many times it ended up no where - but other times in ended up in bed.<P>Was it cheating - again you say your W was drunk and doesn't remember anything. I disagree with those who say alcohol is no excuse - because it is. When you drink - and drink heavily - you are not necessarily able to make the same decisions you would if you were sober. To use me as an example - I am sure you're W would not have kissed that person were she sober - because I know that I would not have done the things I did if I had been sober. I don't think she was cheating on you. If she set out that night to hook up with some guy - then yes, it would be cheating. But it doesn't appear that way - she lost control. If she said she doesn't remember - she probably doesn't. I know of instances where accounts were told to me that I don't remember - and the person we are intoxicated is not the person we are sober.<P>I said that I disagree with those who say alcohol is no excuse. And I do. However, I also believe we are still very much responsible for our actions - and therefor, she must take the responsibility for her actions - she got drunk, she went away from you, and she let the guy kiss her - alcohol or not. I don't think she would have done it sober, however.<P>The real danger is this - the potential for those situations to get totally of out of hand and for her to end up in bed with another M. Again, using me as an example - I know that if I go out and drink - not even heavily, just drinking - in a bar, with lots of women, especially in a foreign country - I am asking for trouble. That is the very MO that has gotten me where I am now - with a family about to break apart. I know that to keep that from happening - I have to avoid the situation - that is, the bar, with the booze, and the women etc - or have somebody there to watch over me - and keep me safe from myself. I would suggest that to you and your wife. If you are going to go out and party - stick with her / together. She ought not end up by herself in a bar, drinking - a recipe for a one night stand if I ever saw one - and I have.<P>There may be deeper issues as well - mentioned in other posts. The His Needs / Her Needs book / tapes are a good idea.<P>I will throw this out as a final thought. I am no psychologist - nor do I know you or your wife, but I have been in her shoes. I don't think she cheated on you - and probably wouldn't have done it if she had been sober - or had been with you at the time. She is more than likely being honest when she says she doesn't remember and nothing was meant by it. I know that after all I did - I never meant to hurt my W, nor did I ever feel anything for anybody else - but, I am responsible for my actions - and now must live with the consequences.<P>Hope this helps,<P>LTH