--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>I really think I took about a thousand steps backwards today. My sister in law is pregnant and got married today.I told my H I didn't want to go and he was okay with that (he asked if I would rather him just go, but I felt that since it was family I should try). I just didn't feel like seeing all the happiness and the fuss over the pregnancy and the wedding, the love...<BR>So there I was amoung about 30 people on a gazebo(immediate family only) and the judge said the short ceremony. First off my H put his arm around me when he began the part about being joined in "holy matrimony" and I pulled away. And during the vows I just lost it. Actually, I wasn't crying too hard and thought the wind blowing the hair in my face was hiding my tears well, but he knew I was crying. He asked if I was okay, I said no and then he asked if I wanted to go back to the car I said yes and he said okay, can you hold it together for a few minutes and we could make a quick exit at the end...and I was doing pretty well(or so I thought) b/c then his mom came up asked what was wrong and I really started crying and turned to him and said I have to go back now. He said okay. At this point the ceremony was done, they were being congratulated and I left. His Dad saw me and asked what was wrong, I said nothing and went to the car.<BR>Then, someone from the grooms side came over and asked if I was okay as my H and I were talking, made idol chit-chat and then left...then we hugged and he asked if I wanted to go home and I said no, I thought I would be okay. He asked if I wanted to go back to the gazebo, I said I rather sit in the van and compose myself. At that point I made the decision that I was way too emotional to go to the reception and when he returned I told him I wanted to go home.<BR>We had to drive his dad b/c he is disabled and he was with us the whole ride home. We got to his parents I picked up my car(we came in separate cars b/c he had to work beforehand)and I apoligized for crying and he said he understood my feelings and that I am an emotional person, he would see me soon...please call him to tell him where I was going and that I got there okay...<BR>I called him from home and again I apologized, and I asked if I embarrassed him. He said he wasn't embarrassed for him but for his sister, and I asked why and he said b/c I made a scene at her wedding, although I don't feel I made a scene. I thought I walked away pretty well, but since someone did approach us after maybe I didn't do as well as I thought.<BR>I don't know what happened today, all of the sudden I was so sad for us...we were once there and happy, and I'm trying so hard to get past this...and so jealous of her happiness. <BR>I have so many feelings in running thru me right now. I'm angry at him, (for the obvious) angry at myself, really disappointed in myself, that I couldn't look beyond all this for her today.I am embarrassed for my behavior and am afraid his family is angry with me for making a scene, if they too felt I did.(They do know the whole story) I just knew sitting in that van, that if I stayed, I would have been crying all afternoon. On the way home I was sure I made the right decision to leave. I wouldn't have been able to bear the first dance, ect...<BR>but in addition to all thatI also feel guilty and bad for his sister. <BR>I just don't know what to do and am feeling really bad about myself right now. I have no idea what my H thinks of me right now, and dread dealing with this later, but I know we have to.<BR>I don't think he would say this, but at some point he is going to say he is tired of trying and doesn't see me getting any better. And we have sooooo much going on right now. With building a house 9 hours away, selling this one, 3 kids under 6 years old...I'm so worn out...<BR>
