H had EA (PA not confirmed) for about a year, I found out last Aug. Said he wanted divorce in Oct. We started couseling, he did not contribute, but "changed" by Christmas. Now he treats me well, but we never talked about what happened (his choice), and abandoned counseling (his choice). I have a constant fear in the back of my mind that infideltiy will happen again, because--in my mind--we have never resolved the underlying problems. Has this happenend to any of you? What is your opinion on the chance of it happening again? <P>(In Jan., when I asked about our next counseling appt., he said he didn't think we needed to go. I remarked that we hadn't resolved our problems, what about when it happens next time? He asked, "Why would you think it would happen again?" I said, "I never thought it would happen the first time!" He had no reply to that. I'm just trying to find out what he might be thinking from someone who might know!)<P>Louisa

Boy, this sounds like what might have happened to US, if I had not come out of denial. He was looking for a way to end it with her, without her telling me.<P>If I hadn't "known" about the PA, he would have probably continued it until he felt safe enough that she would not expose it to me and he could "safely" come home. My H says he would never have let a D go to the final stages.<P>His "first" concern was thatI not know b/c that would mean the end of our M and he says that was never what he really wanted. He didn't want to deal with the aftermath of a PA.<P>Counseling should bring this stuff out but the longer it stays hidden, the harder to say it. Not to say your H, actually had a OA. Who knows...just sharing my own experience.

Work on the underlying issues. You may not think it's important now but you will. Trust me. If you don't know the issues then try to find them. Read the His Needs / Her Needs section and find out all about meeting each others needs. It happened for a reason, some will say that it can happen for know reason, but if you dig far enough you can almost always count on finding one.<P>Good Luck and God Bless<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.<p>[This message has been edited by Paul Moyers (edited May 06, 2001).]

Louisa,<BR>The How Long question is like all our answers, it depends on the situation. It can be "never really ended because of continued contact" to a call out of the blue years later.<P>Things to look for now:<BR>accountability<BR>will he give you email & voice mail passwords?<BR>does he let you know where he is?<BR>does he call you or let you call him at work?<BR>is he where he says he is/will be?<P>Counseling would be a plus, is he aware that it is important to you? Will he do something simply because it is important to you?<P>You talk about underlying issues, you know this man, even if the affair made you feel for a time that you do not. What are his issues? What are his needs? What are yours? Maybe you feel uneasy because he is not meeting your needs--especially if they are companionship/conversation.<P>Are you getting your 15 hours/week of time together, hopefully without the kids & others?<P>When the WS behaves trustworthily, trust eventually comes back. It takes time, accountability, effort, patience, love. Don't worry about trust right now. Look at behavior and see if something is striking you wrong, or can be modified. And watch your lovebusters, it's easier to have an angry outburst when you're feeling upset.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

<B>Lor</B> is right on, as always. <waves to <B>Lor</B> ><P>My ex cheated with five other women (that I know of, and there were other "daliences" also)... three were in 1987, and the other two were in 1999/2000, after I had an affair. I lived a real-live soap opera.<P>I believe you should listen to everyone who is telling you to take care of NOW, and make your marriage a safe, loving, place to be. He has to do his part in making it a place where you can trust him.<P>