Can you please write down why you feel the need to ring/hear their voice/be with the OP, even when you really want to end it? I really want to understand the addiction, when someone knows its wrong and wants to end it but cant or finds it really difficult.<P>What is behind the addiction? Is it the fantasy of the "yet unexplored" that maybe they are the one?<BR>or that you feel good about yourself when in the fantasy of an affair situation and so want that feeling again? or really just wanting to hear that they miss you? <P>what is really behind the pull to make contact again? <BR>when everything else is saying no.<P>I guess it boils down to what do you get out of it?<P>thanks!!

I am not the WS but my H and I had a conversation about this stuff this weekend. Let me try...<P>1)When he came home, he was angry with me for "causing" him to have an A.<BR>2)He was HOME, for God's sake, what else did I want?<BR>3)He missed the "friendship" they had before the PA.<BR>4)He took on all the responsibility for the A, including her portion,<BR>5)he felt sorry for her, like he had led her astray.<BR>6)Felt he could maybe keep her in his life, for comfort, when things got crazy here<BR>7)He didn't realize the danger,til he realized she was very willing to continue the A, whether he was home or not.<P>He didn't miss her, as the One,which he did think she MAY be, for a while during the A. He is not a bad person and felt like he was already giving me what I wanted, his very presence...and her, the poor thing(HA), had nothing. She would call him,crying and he felt terrible for her.<BR>Just some thoughts, hope it helps.<BR>

I would suspect there are different reasons depending on the people. As the ws currently dealing with this I can give some insight. I do see (from the many stories here) that a good percentage of affairs are sorta needy, addictive type things, but there are other kinds too. While all affairs are wrong, the feelings are not necessarily wrong. Those affairs that arise out of genuine freindships, and involve people of reasonable integrity and norality, who if not married would probably have chosen each other (over their current spouses, coupled with serious emotional estrangement in current marriages), are very difficult to stop. When we realized (by experienceing the guilt) you cannot live in 2 worlds, no matter how pure your feelings, and matter how you delude yourself that such friendship is ok, still the behaviour is unacceptable while married to someone else. So you both come to understand that each must focus on their marriage and choose one way or the other, and even if don't feel in love with spouse, there is a whole world of duty, committment, vows, and possible reconcilliation that must be given honest consideration. This is hard to do, lose your friend, your safe place. Some say it is all delusion, it is not. People do leave marriages and marry the op and are successful marriages (not many, so odds are long, but does happen). Under these circumstances I think the issues are several, one being a resistance to giving up someone important to you, even if you both realize cannot be married. Sort of like your parents telling you, you cannot have a certain friend. Each of us even though married, are individuals, and we resist anyone telling us what to do...right? Second, there is a fear of losing the op, and if the marriage doesn't work, you have lost both. This is a little irrational, cause if the relationship with the op is real, it should not fail cause you focused rightly on your current marriage and were responsible, but the fear exists nonetheless and does drive you some. Thirdly, if the 2 people genuinely like each other, you want to interract with them, simply because we all desire human companionship. And lastly, if the reconcilliation efforts are based on criticism and being told how awful you are (even though understandable), you do feel a strong desire to be with someone who feels differently about you..... it is extremely self-serving of me to say so, but clearly the plan A approach by the BS is the only way to go (generally speaking), criticism and ultimatums may work, but are very risky, especially in cases where the marriage was already estranged emotionally (one figures they have nothing really to lose, even if op never divorces, being single (alone) preferable to being married and alone). In short, it really depends on the nature of the affair, the psychology's of the 2 people involved. But probably all of them have a commonality of being needed and wanted by someone you feel safe with (even if the safety is unjustified, as seems to often be the case).

It does have a lot to do with ego, and needing attention.<BR>In my case, being the WS, I loved the incredible things this guy said to me, that my husband never said. The OP said things like "I YEARN for you." "you'd look great on the cover of a magazine." "You make me feel alive." and on and on... I fall for that stuff every time. My hubby, who is not the demonstrative type, I KNOW loves me. That's why I ultimately ended it with the OP. Because I now know it was all B.S. But at the time, when you're feeling vulnerable, someone can come along, no matter how good your marriage is, and find your weak spot. I was feeling ignored, number 3 or 4 on my husbands list, after work, kids, sports. And yet, I never thought I could be unfaithful.<BR>What stopped me? He stopped saying all the good stuff, when I didn't give in sexually. I only went so far, which was apparently not far enough. I told him I loved my husband all the time. I was only in this for the "mirror" image I was getting from someone 10 years younger, an athlete, a different race. I was incredibly flattered someone like that would find me attractive. I hate to admit it, but if he continued doing the right things, and didn't let up, I'd probably still be with him. But I know I can't even Hear his voice, cause I'll fall prey to his smooth seduction. It's great to be seduced--especially when you're feeling like you are taken for granted at home, you've got a couple kids around driving you nuts, and you just turned 40. At least I have enought of a conscience to stop it!