<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OOOO - wow, you do have a unique twist with this letter writing campaign. I think she's still displaying the WS twisted logic with the kids angle. I think your d-day what-if question was a good one, but maybe just as well to not ask. As long as she's writing, don't stop her. Maybe this is the way she thinks through her problems. At least she's warming up to you a little. <P>If the letters stop or change abruptly, you might want to send her back to the mother ship for a day or so.<P>WAT

OOOO<P>I read your other post and all I have to say is that you must have the patience of Job. I would have given up a long time ago. I would agree that she seems to be warming up. Prayers are with you both.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by worthatry:<BR><B>As long as she's writing, don't stop her. Maybe this is the way she thinks through her problems. At least she's warming up to you a little. <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR><B>OOOO</B>,<BR>No brilliant thoughts from me here . I'm still drinking coffee.<P>I agree with Dave, though. She is warming up and communicating.<P>Make sure she knows you are considering the things she writes, but don't drive yourself crazy trying to respond to everything she writes.<P>I am reminded of the classic conflict between men and women where the woman wants to complain about something and just wants her feelings listened to and validated. The typical guy immediately goes into problem solving mode, and explains to her how to fix things, which is <B>not</B> what she wanted. She just wanted someone to listen to her.<P>Likewise your W may be sorting through a lot of fears, guilt, and other feelings. So, again, I think I'm agreeing with Dave, just taking a lot more words to say it.<P>Steve<BR>

oooo, just my two cents, because my H is the same way regarding not having a CLUE!<P>I know we all remind ourselves and each other on this board that they don't know what they are doing...but because we are rational human beings (or at least are trying to be) I think we sometimes find it difficult to truly BELIEVE that they do not know what they are doing..... BUT they don't<P>They just can't see it. I know that is true in my H's case. ANy time I even VERY CALMLY try to bring some truth into the situation....like question him whether he is able to see this from the kids perspective....like how they might respond when they find out that he has been involved with a married woman who had his baby... he tells his mom that I scream at him and have been for 15 months.... that he doesn't feel "safe" with me. HA!!! and he tells me that NO he doesn't see it that way at all (that the kids might think this is unusual behavior!!!) CLEARLY, he cannot see.<P>On the other hand...it seems that when WE try to get up and move on...they do everything they can to stop us. Kind of like they know we (and kids) are the life line. After 15 months of my H doing everything to push the kids and I out of his life... when I tried very nicely to move home...he got all mad...turned it all around and prevented me, via a court action from moving...like I am taking his kids away from him. I swear...he thinks I kicked him out! <P>I know it is difficult to understand, but I truly believe they are living in some bubble in which they think no one else sees inside. And they can't see outside of it right now...and maybe never will.<P>I think I pointed WAT to a post by a guy called lost man on a midlife crisis forum. (I have difficulty putting links on my replies). It is very insightful. This man describes to a tee, what I think my H is experiencing. He is currently coming out of a tunnel, or what he describes as a fog...and is trying to make sense of what he did, what he said... He said while going through it...he just DID NOT SEE AT ALL what he was doing. The catalyst for him it seems was that he did sense his wife moving on... finally letting go... That and the OW thing ended and he saw it for what it was. But for him...it was not about his wife, the marraige or the OP...It was to escape himself....and he finally realized he couldn't. <P>He and his wife are talking now. SHe doesn't know if she wants him to come back...but he is mending the relationship with his kids...and they are all becoming friends.<P>So after all of that, a suggestion to you is to just LISTEN to what your wife is telling you. I don't think she can possibly understand anything that points to her responsibilty at this time. I have no idea why.... perhaps guilt, low selfesteem....just shut them off to the feelings because they are too overwhelming. <P>I think it is great that your wife is openning up with these letters. I still say just try to listen...reflect back without giving ANY judgment or even advice.<P>I'm convinced they have to do that themselves.<P>As far as you wanting to move on...perhaps the best solution is to just do that....and act "as if" you are... not for spite or any of the wrong reasons....but because you know you can love your wife unconditionally and let go... and because you know you can't help her, she has to do that herself.

OOOO,<P>Just keep hanging in there my friend. Sounds as if there might be a little global warming in your part of the world.<BR>Patience is a virtue or so I hear.<BR>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OOOO, it was the thought of "losing" his kids....that really angered my H also... pushed his buttons and you can see what he did... I was angry that he did it at first, given the fact that he walked...no take that back, ran..and ran far away and didn't want anything to do with the kids.... and even now...turned this around and made it about me...<P>But....my kids are actually enjoying "living" with their dad for a part of the week...especially because Grandma and grandpa are there!!!! Still a huge black hole over their heads, but I have found out that their language is simple.<P>To them this just showed them that he did in fact want them in his life and for that I am thankful. <P>I'm telling you....the walk-away seems to know deep down that their connection IS with the spouse and kids.... They just can't seem to retrieve it. It's just "stuff" they have to work out...hopefully they will. Keep praying.

Hi OOOO:<P>You've related so much of your wife's weird logic in the past that it threw me for a minute when I read this post to see that there was really some change here. Wow, she's agreed to let you hug her!!!! And she's questioning whether the time is right for you to get a new wife!!! No one else can raise her children!!!! She's thinking and whatever you're doing is working so keep it up.<P>I agree with StillHers that she may be reaching out to you through the letters as it is too uncomfortable for her to deal with you face to face. She is working through her feelings and needs someone to play hers thoughts back on...and in a way she is using you through the letters. He's also right about it being a female thing and you need to take care not to try and respond by offering counter-solutions or answers.<P>Let her get it out...that's what she needs. But all in all this is great.<P><BR>Faye<BR> <P>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Wow again. Let's go have a beer. Try to let this sink in before you make any changes. <P>Look at it this way - at least you're getting input. Please take another lap on the 'coaster.<P>DAVE

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OOOO - you said it better than I could. We all need a boost once in a while.<P>I see a lot more positives for you than before your trip. Try to hang on.<P>Dave

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

oooo, I'm with whoever said stick it out for another lap on the roller coaster.<P>I think it is sooooooo great that your W is pouring her "soul" out on paper to you.<P>It's that whole distancer-pursuer thing. Seems like you got to the end of YOUR rope and she sensed it.<P>I do know how you feel about being discouraged though. I just wish my H could see ANYTHING outside his bubble...but of course he can't...his OW is now divorced, has her two children and "their" son....and works with my H everyday for 8-10 hours. ( I guess she took the "office wife" thing alittle too seriously) And I just get the monthly checks that have "child support" "may" in the memo area, like I am in the same category as his cleaning lady. BLEECH!!!!

OOOO,<P>Listen to Dave. Stay on the ride for another turn or 2; your W has come a long way in the last wks. Yes it is hard to tell; you are tired; you want a life; any life but wouldn't you want the life with your family over any other if you can have it. Give it a few morre months. <P>How old are your children? I don't think I have ever read how old they are? Be careful with them. As I have been finding out, you can think they are all right, dealing with everything & then the bottom can drop our & big time.<P>Keep hanging awhile. You can do it.