My wife had a brief affair with a man she does not love in December. After saying for two months that the reason was because a policeman helped her she finally told me the reason was because she was angry and depressed and stressed out. We were newly married and 100% in love (I thought).<P>I struggled each day to understand all this. I thought for a long time how could this happen. My wife wonders why I can't just forget it because it was a past incident with no meaning for her. She asked me why do I keep reminding her of this? She aksed why do I keep thinking about it?<P>So I thought about this. I am thinking maybe I don't know why? I would probably give different answersat different times. <P>1. Maybe I am scared it can happen again? So I want to understand what happened and why so that I am assured it won't happen again. But from what I read, there can be no such guarantees. Also it is not good to not trust one's spouse in the future. How do they feel if their partner does not trust them anymore? So I think this is not a good reason to keep thinking about this.<P>2. Then there is the "How could you do this to wonderful me?" How can you love me 100% and do this? I asked this question on this forum and several people said it is possible. But later I found out from my wife that at the time she did this she was angry and had zero percent love for me. So that answered this question for me. In my case probably it was not possible if my wife was not angry with me. But she was and she did and she admits it was a mistake. So after that what is there to think about? It seems I understand it all but sometimes loop back to number 1. and number 2. to not understand it all over again and again. <P>My wife really does not understand why I think about this anymore because she thinks she has now told me everything. Perhaps she has. Sometimes she says perhaps she does not even understand herself why it happened. She said just all the right circumstances came together and it happened. She said because she does not now know why it all happened her stories about why it happened seem to change because she is confused herself. I guess that could make some sense. But I think at the time it happened the person did know what was going on. It probably doesn't help to keep asking and to keep the affair fresh in both partner's mind each week. It's hard to recover that way. <P>I think the overriding thought in all this for the BS is "How could this person who loves me do this to me?" Maybe that is the thing that is hardest to accept. But to explain to my wife why my mind keeps thinking about it is hard to do. I can't seem to explain it to her. I don't like to say well you are the one that hurt me, I didn't hurt you etc. <P>So my question is "How can I explain to my partner why my mind keeps thinking this?" Maybe it's a mild form of insanity.<BR>

Hi Roger,<P>You ask the questions we all do when someone does not want to come clean. And even when they do or think they do, those questions still linger. Why? Because we as the BS have not put closure. Why? Because the WS has not given us the closure. <P>Now think about this, tell your wife, ok I will forget about it when you come clean with your entire story and I fully convinced you are being 100% honest. What will be her answer? Tell you or give up on your marriage. Now I must caution you that you need to be aware that her response might be that she would rather lose you than tell the whole truth. Can are you willing to accept that consquence? See, partial truth is still a lie because it can lead to wrong conclusions. Hence your insecurities and not being able to trust her.<P>Will she do it again? Maybe, if she was able to mislead you before and you supposedly bought her story, then maybe she could get away with it again. Hm... Can you handle that?<P>Roger, don't beat yourself up. I am having to do the same myself. Since we (BS) did not have the A., neither should the BS simply take whatever the WS chooses to throw our way. No, there needs to be respect for you. IMHO, I just see your wife not taking your feelings/needs into consideration and just wanting to wash away the incident. Also, previous posts you commented that your W could not guarantee that she would not do it again. In fact, you noticed that she was enjoying the flirtings of other men here when she was with you. I apologize for the pain that last sentence may bring up but I just want you to see how others may view it. <P>Again, if you wife can come clean and convince you to your satisfaction, then you both have a chance. If one does not want to help the other, then where has your chance gone?<P>Just my thoughts and I hope you can get some closure to this difficult situation you are facing.<P>L.

Rodger,<P>I can imagine your frustration - the why's can go on forever.<P>Recovery doesn't begin with honesty, or with discovery - it begins with a decision - a decision to make your marriage work. Spend your time "full proofing" your marriage with the basic concepts. <P>The why's will seem less important - when you start to FEEL some success in restoring your marriage. Old Gypsy proverb will work wonders: Don't look back, don't look down at your feet - but keep your eyes straight ahead.<P>Give this some time - don't expect too much too soon. You have only gone 5 months. It will get better - IF you muster all your effort into the basic concepts - plan A - and look to the FUTURE!<P>Hang in there.<BR>Tnt