I thank God that I found this forum! I have been reading through many posts and am encouraged by how far so many of you have come, both with and without cooperating spouses. <P>Just over two weeks ago, I asked the ever famous question "Do you have someone else?", expecting the same reply I had received in the past. This time, my husband told me he had been having an affair for several months. Boom, the world crashed around my head and I am still spinning.<P>We talked about the whys and I realize and admitted that I was not meeting his needs for conversation/sex and maybe more. My emotional needs (as well as those two) were not being met.....see the circle here. <P>We are progressing, talking honestly and trying to help each other. We are both committed to this marriage and although I may never understand how someone can love two people at once and how you can take that first step into an affair, I know my husband loves me.<P>Here is what I need help with most:<P>What do I do with the pain? Continuing to talk with my husband about my pain does not seem conducive to helping him get over the OW. <P>Does everyone alternate between wanting to make things work, being desperately afraid that they won't and wanting to walk away?<P>How do I help my husband get over her? (My taker cannot even believe that I am asking that question and I have to keep beating her down!!!) I have done the obvious...new sexy stuff, lots of affection and more sex in the last two weeks than we experienced in the past year. What else?<P>I am going out today to buy "Surviving Infidelity". Any other suggestions?<P><P>------------------<BR>Overwhelmed

Honey the pain comes and goes of it's own free will I've found. There's not a whole lot you can do about it except acknowledge it and try to focus on something else. I usually cry about it, go for a walk, talk to my husband and tell him it's still hurting me but to be patient and I'll get over it in time. Sometimes we fight about it, sometimes he just holds me. I've come to realize that infidelity is like a death, there are stages you go thru to get to the healing part and the pain is all part of it. Hang in there & I send a big ole hug!

I only have a minute right now but I wanted to tell you that you sound like you are doing a good job!!!!<BR>Remember you are in shock. All these emotions are normal.<BR>Chris has a website at the bottom of his posts with all the best book suggestions along with other info.<BR>Check that out if you haven't.<BR>Be easy on yourelf and don't expect too much right now!!!!!

You are several steps ahead in that he is committed to the marriage. My H never was/still isn't. I could have worked through the pain if he had been. That's where you are lucky. When the pain gets so bad, just ask him to hold you. The few times he "wanted to work on us" he would just hold me and I felt so much better.

Don't forget about YOU in all of this. It's easy to become obsessed. Remember to do things that make you feel good, like working out, going shopping, visiting friends, whatever. When you feel good, you'll both feel better being together.

Thank you for the encouragement. Deep breath......life must go on!<P>------------------<BR>Overwhelmed

I only have a minute also...but oh gosh, you remind me of myself 4 months ago. Get "After the Affiar"...really helped H and I. Breathe, talk, find a friend to confide in and keep doing what you're doing. You can do this. Damn it hurts like hell, but it'll get better!<P>------------------<BR>Joan

So sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us! <P>What to do with the pain? You gotta just feel it! It’s gonna hurt. You’re probably still in shock & haven’t really grasped what has happened. Don’t take it out on your husband though. He had an affair for reasons and if you take hurt and anger out on him, he will think 2 things.<BR>1 - I cannot confide in her because when I do she rips me a new one. It’s okay to let him know you are hurting, but don’t slam him.<BR>2 - Why do I have to put up with this crap?<P>You’ll do great! It’s gonna take plenty of work & probably lots of tears, but you can get through it!<P>I read Surviving Infidelity & I didn’t think it was worth the money. Too analytical.<P>I suggest;<BR>Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html</A> <BR>After The Affair by Janice Abrahms Spring<BR> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060928174/qid%3D928767782/sr%3D1-1/002-5306384-1377247" TARGET=_blank>www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060928174/qid%3D928767782/sr%3D1-1/002-5306384-1377247</A> <BR>His Needs, Her Needs by Dr Willard Harley<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html</A> <P>More suggestions on my web page below.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited September 09, 1999).]

Thanks again for encouraging words - that has already helped. I have talked to no one other than my H and felt so alone. <P>Thanks for this insight<P>. Don’t take it out on your husband though. He had an affair for reasons and if you take hurt and anger out on him, he will think 2 things.<BR>1 - I cannot confide in her because when I do she rips me a new one. It’s okay to let him know you are hurting, but don’t slam him.<BR>2 - Why do I have to put up with this crap?<P>This is the type of insight/counsel that I am looking for. It is difficult to know what approach is best. <P>I am afraid that was where I went last night and it only left us both frustrated, angry and confused. Fortunately/unfortunately, my H experienced the receiving end of an affair in his first marriage and understands the pain. So we got past that moment.<P>I bought "Surviving an Affair" today and can't wait to begin. I will order the other two. <P>Any other advice? <P>

HANG ON!!!!!!!<P>People say it takes time to heal. Yes, this takes time, but that won't heal it. Hard work, love, understanding and caring will heal!<P>Read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html</A> to understand the MB concepts.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>