My wife and I have been hapilly married for the past ten years. We dated for 5 years before our mariage and she is the only woman that I have ever been with. We first had sex about a year after we started dating and my wife has always told me that I was the first person that she had had sex with. that she was a "virgin". Once during the 3rd year of our dating she had a fling with another guy and she told me about it, I accepted it and tryed to get over it which I thought I basically had. I don't think so now. A few months we got into a discussion about her past and she revealed to me that she had not been truthful with me and that I had not been her "first" and that she had been with two other men before we dated.<BR>I am having trouble not only dealing with the fact that I had been lyed to for all these years but also I can not get the thought of her with someone else out of my mind. It is tearing me up inside. Not to mention the fact that I see all of the guys pretty often and it just stirs up all of these feelings I am having... I love my wife very much and desperately want to feel the way I felt about her before this revelation. I can not get the thoughts of her being intamate with someone else out of my mind. Even when we are together I obsess over those thoughts. I beleive my wife has been faithful to me our entire marriage but I just can't get past this. Any Suggestions? Please Help

Well I am having the same problem. It is very hard to control our minds. But if we like to continue being married to our spouses we must try to love with the mistakes they did. Probably your wife thought it would not help the relationship if she told you this before. The really good thing is that she did come clean finally. She didn't have to do this but she came clean for you. She must love you to do this. It is next to impossible to get over the image of someone else sleeping with your wife but we have to do it somehow. Would you rather have your wife be married to this other guy? Probably not. So in that case you have to try and try the impossible task of controlling your own mind. It doesn't hep to harrass the wife although I feel like doing it everyday. It is the most painful experience that one can face: to be betrayed and lied to. From a religious perpsective we are all sinners, God forgives all and expects us to also forgive. Forgive means we try to cope with it. Maybe this is the most difficult thing any person ever has to face. It's our ultimate mental challenge. Of course this is no joke. It is a very serious thing. But if the person is honest , acknowledges their mistake then what? Maybe give them another chance is the best thing to do. Before you dated doesn't matter. You wife was free to do what she wanted. It is just that she told you a lie to make you feel better about her. Maybe she was feeling insecure and thought it was only a white lie. Well think of the positive. The positive is your wife still want stobe with you and that she now has told you the truth. The truth sometimes hurts very much but it is better than a lie. The past can never be undone. But the future can be shaped to whatever we want. If your wife has been faithful during the marriage then this is very very good. Forget the dating period. Dating is dating. It's not the same as making marriage vows. If she was faithful during marriage then she is a very good wife. Don't consider dating as anything. She didn;t know if she likes you 100% yet at that time. If your marriage is good and was good then don;t ruin it with these thoughts about the dating period.

Hi Athens,<P>If this is your first post, I would like to welcome you to MB.com. You may be receiving a welcome message from NSR soon. Please read over the information in this site and the recommendation of books, questionnaires and counseling sessions offered by Jennifer and Steve Harley. NSR can give you the links (he is much better at it). <P>I am here trying to restore my marriage and my H & I were each other's first. That in itself did not keep our marriage true. My H is coming out of a long A and many other issues. <P>It is important to understand that this revelation is leaving you out in the dark and feeling betrayed due to lack of trust. Some of your emotions may be running rampant and need to be corraled so you can deal with you and your wife in a loving way. The above mentioned sources can be of great assistance. One of the book, His need/Her needs comes to mind. Taking the emotional needs questionnaire here may help both of you. Phone counseling is great and highly recommended. <P>You may want to check out the 'Just found out' forum and see some of the accounts being posted. This general questions II forum is used for a variety of subject with people in various stages of their recovery for themselves and their marriages. <P>Again, I hope you are able to get the closure you need and be able to go on with your lives and have a happy family. <P>I wish you well on your journey. <P>L.<BR>

Welcome <B>athens955</B>...<P>(Thanks Orchid)<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Forgetting and Forgiving aren't identical...<BR>...there is a lot you can learn from....<BR><B>Web sites..</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P><B>Books...</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P><B>Links to posts...</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000076.html" TARGET=_blank>Can I forgive?????</A>…..indy032…..1/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003319.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness.....</A>…..just_me…..6/5/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003012.html" TARGET=_blank>Bible Verse = Forgiveness</A>…..ZZZ4991…..5/4/2001<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006615.html" TARGET=_blank>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?</A>…..redman…..8/23/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000274.html" TARGET=_blank>Things my husband did to rebuild trust</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/17/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002831.html" TARGET=_blank>on knowing the "truth" </A>…..loveWASblind=lWb/popeye…..5/9/2000<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Consider counseling... maybe even MB counseling!<BR>...especially for you to learn about "honesty"...<BR>...and how your W can lead you there!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Jim, Thank You. I just ordered the Lewis Smedes book. And read the posts. You helped me, thank you again...