I'm the OW and not proud of it. I know this is wrong, but I have become emotionally attached and can't seem to end it. When we first became involved, I didn't know he was married, and when I found out, I know I should have ended it then. I don't expect anyone to pity me. I know I'm not the victim. His W is. We became involved when I had just started my job. I left it not long ago, hoping that might end it, but he continued to pursue me and I guess I'm too weak to say no. Two months ago something happened that brought it out into the open and his W and I have talked since then. She told me she still loves him and forgives him. We both discovered we are a lot alike and that if it weren't for the affair, we could have been friends. I never intended to hurt anyone. When he and I are apart for several days, I think that I can summon the strength to end it, but then he shows up at my door or calls me and I can't let go. He says he loves me, but admits to being confused. He says he likes being with her sometimes and as much as being with me. She has told me that I'm not the first nor will I be the last. They've been married sixteen years and I believe deep down inside that he still loves her, why else would he stay with her. I have recently closed on a new house in another town and was thinking about keeping the address and phone number from him, but he's found out about the house and he told me that he drove by it the other day. I have gone as far as making plans to be out of the country this summer hoping that time and distance will help me end this. I love him, but I know that this is wrong and I guess I'm hoping that some of you might be able to help me end this. I never thought that I would be the OW and I never planned to be the cause of a marriage breaking up. I could be her one day.

Bring as much truth to the situation as you can.<P>The affair thrives on lies. It was built on lies. So, tell him you will no longer deceive his wife. <P>I think my husband deceived OW also in the beginning. Bring out the truth, and you'll feel better about it. Don't enable this man who is using you to hide behind the lies.<P>TnT

Good luck & stay strong.

TRose,<P>Thank-you for your heartfelt post. It seems as if yes indeed you are ready to move ahead.<BR>Often it is suggested that a WS( wayward spouse ) write a "no contact" letter to their OP and that is what I would suggest to you the OW.<BR>Write a letter to your MM and tell him that you no longer wish to have any contact from him, you need to move on in your life and build a healthy relationship with someone who is not married. Tell him that any further contact will be viewed by you as harrassment and will be treated as such. You will not tolerate it and will contact the police if it persists. Send a copy to his wife as well - let him know that you mean business.<BR>I would also suggest changing all phone numbers, making the new ones unlisted, and closing all email accounts that he has the address to.<BR>This may be difficult but as you stated - <BR>"When he and I are apart for several days, I think that <b>I can summon the strength to end it</b>, but then he shows up at my door or calls me and I can't let go."<BR>you can summon the strength!!! <BR>you just need to keep him away. easier said than done I know!!<P>I'm sorry if I'm not much of a help, I just wanted to offer what advice I could<P>God Bless and Good Luck<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Question TRose, If he were to leave his W,knowing that you are not the first and won't be the last, would you marry a cheater? I think you have some self respect and that you wouldn't. So, really, what is your motivation for keeping contact?<P>You are cheating yourself in a dead end relationship. You need to move on and find a person who will love you and be faithful. Sounds like this MM is not it. His M must be "working" in some sense or else neither of them (H OR W) would be there. But, not to judge someones else'e M, that situation is NOT one I could tolerate. My H cheated once, after 27 yrs, and if this ever happens again, I will not hesitate to end the M.<P>Think of me as your mom, giving you advise.You are hurting yourself by continuing to see a man that doesn't love you.No matter what he says, and I'm sure he says it, he doesn't love you. He loves his W and look how he treats her. Do you want him to love you? <P>Good luck to you...you sound like a good person.Much like the XOW here.

This OW is here to tell you that you are doing the right thing! If only I had had the strength to 'just say no' from the beginning, I would now know where I stand with this man that not only left his wife and son for me, but married me. I am now reading all the stats on marriages that start in A, and I am terrified. We have been together for 9 years, married for 8, and if you have noted my other posts, I have recently discovered an A. What a fool I have been, but no more! Now the pain begins, and hopefully the healing for this marriage that has become very fragile, yet very precious to me.<P>Learn from my mistakes, as painful as it may be for you. If he doesn't get the message, take a restraining order out against him. Do not allow his addiction to rule your life and feed your addiction. If you are religious, immerse yourself in the word of God. If you are not religious, immerse yourself in the word of God and realize that you are never alone. If you would like, I will be your shoulder.

My H is involved with a woman who divorced her husband for him and has two young kids. We haven't even filed for divorce yet, and she is planning their wedding! I wonder what she thinks a piece of paper is going to buy her when he's obviously an adulterer. He has always maintained that their relationship is "temporary". The last time I saw him, he indicated that he has no intention of marrying her. Yet, in her desperation she is spending money on him and taking him on lavish vacations. She even pays his way!! I often wonder what he tells her.

HI TRose,<P> You sound like a very nice person who has made some mistakes and is now caught in a web. As someone else said keep looking at the "truth"....write them down if you have to. <BR> This man will cause you to lose all respect for yourself and is interested in HIMSELF , noone else. You deserve much better...there is only pain and misery ahead if it continues. Keep telling yourself this over and over, you will come to see it as it is.......LU

I want to thank everyone. I'm not sure what I expected, but it wasn't generousity. Since it became public, the backlash has been terrible. I felt like I couldn't tell any of my friends, because I was afraid they would hate me and now, none of them now how to deal with this. I have no family except for my children and this isn't something I want them to deal with. The same people that slap him on the back, now treat me like trash. I have felt completely isolated with no one to turn to. You are truly wonderful people and I'm so greatful for your support. Just reading this morning has made me feel stronger and not so alone. I feel like I'm about to cut off my hand, but here goes.

Hi, Trose. It's good to see you here. What a brave and wonderful thing you are trying to do. Just because the circumstances that GOT you to this place were filled with bad judgements and decisions doesn't make your wanting to put things right any less courageous.<P>I do believe that you will find the strength within you. Once you DECIDE that you are worth this, that you choose to be the woman that, if they could know, your children would be proud of, you'll find a strength you never knew even existed. And no one has to know - YOU will know and that's enough.<P>You deserve nothing less than real and devoted love, from a man who is free to cherish you. From your posts, you are good person, worthy of all that a real relationship has to offer you. You can never find this as long as you are involved with this man. And each day that you betray your conscience (I figured out you have a great one from your posts!), you'll lose a piece of yourself.<P>You say you just can't. But you can. What you can't do is compromise yourself one moment longer. What you can't do is be a party to hurt of innocent people one moment longer. What you can't do is let yourself be used...not one moment longer. You're not that kind of person.<P>You came here and you received generosity and encouragement freely from those of us who have been hurt by OP. Whoever comes here to find the strength to do the right thing will get that encouragement. <P>Take care of yourself. We're here if you need us.<BR>You have the strength you need...we all know it.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori<BR>

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this mess. I agree with Patient Love's advice. I would go into more detail: Ask his wife if you may contact her every time he makes any attempt to talk to you, contact or see you. When he makes an attempt, put him on notice that you meant what you wrote in the letter, you have nothing to say to him, and you will notify his wife this time and every subsequent time there is any contact. Put his wife's phone number on speed dial on your home phone, cell phone, and work phone. Become her ally, and give her knowledge and information that she can use to fight for her marriage. <P>I would keep the contact with her brief and "just the facts, ma'am" - time, date and type of contact. His lies will shrivel up and die in the light, like germs in contact with a disinfectant. And you can regain your self-respect.<P> <P>------------------<BR>Looney Belle aias Bellevue

Well, I did it. He called this morning and I told him it was over. I've just spent the last four hours crying and stopping and crying again. I knew this would hurt, I just didn't realize it would be so hard. He pretty much came out and told me that he didn't think we would work out anyway because I was too emotional and he just can't deal with my ups and downs. I had no ups and downs until he came along. The way he responded hurt. Like I was nothing. Did he mean it? I guess you were right. Now how do I get my apartment key back without seeing him? I feel like I want to die.

You have done a good thing, one that takes courage. You have a difficult time ahead of you, but you can get thru this. <P>Hugs--<P>Kathi

TRose,<BR>I too am a OW, that ended an A about 7 weeks ago. I still am working thru the process of losing someone I loved. I am also married and my H has been fantastic thru all this. but<BR>deep inside I miss the OM. It will take some time, but you will move on. slowly at first as you grieve over his loss and please allow yourself to feel this. It's normal and there is nothing wrong with feeling this way. You did the most courageous thing you could by letting yourself move on with your life. If you think that trying to get your key back will be a problem, just have the locks changed. Do whatever it takes so you don't have to see or hear from him again. For me it meant that I can't go to another town yet or even drive thru it. The temptation is too great. I don't plan to go back to that kind of relationship ever again, but I didn't plan to be there in the first place.<BR>And read the Word. God's word in your hear and mind can prevent you from being drawn back. The OM in my life told me that he hoped I never put any other man thru this. I realized that I didn't put him thru anything he didn't willingly choose to do, but his remarks hurt just as he intended them too. Just remind yourself that by breaking off this kind of hurtful relationship, you did the best thing you could do for yourself and for his family.<P>I am praying for you. If you want to contact me and talk more, please do. My email address is deblynne_45@yahoo.com<BR>I have been where you are and I am coming out a much better person for all that I have learned. I'm just sorry that I hurt so many innocent people in the process.<P>dlm<BR>(Debbie)

You told him it’s over. Tell him NOT to contact you in any way (phone, letter, email, etc.)<P>If he does contact you, don’t read anything he gives you (most likely he’ll be begging & pleading at first & then threatening.) Just get rid of anything you may receive from him. Get rid of anything he may have given you in the past.<P>Let <B>them</B> work on their marriage. They have a rocky road ahead.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

TRose:<BR>My H moved out to be with the OW, 10 months ago. It's been pure hell being the BS. I feel like you are doing the right thing by ending this. Not only for yourself, your children and BS. It's unfortunate that this is a no win situation for everyone involved, and it creates so much pain and hurt for everyone.<P>You seem like you are being reasonable in recognizing the truth and the right thing to do. Stick with it, you'll be better off. I'm not just saying this because I'm the BS. I sometimes feel sympathetic towards the OW my H is with. Even though she is a nasty, hateful, violent person, which you don't appear to be. I have enough compassion for others to realize that apparently the OW my H is with has a lot of problems, no doubt. But at least you are trying to do the right thing, which is commendable, that is a lot more than I can say for her(very selfish, self serving person) <P>The way he reacted towards you when you told him only signifies the kind of person he really is, one you can do without. Appears he is out for his own gratification and he doesn't care who he hurts, you or BS. <P>Hope you stick to ending this, I give you credit for this being a good decision and for the best. I agree with changing the locks. Don't try to get the key from him, it's just allowing contact again. Cut off all contact, competely otherwise, he'll try to have his cake and eat it too. You and the rest of us deserve better. <P>Good Luck.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited May 08, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited May 08, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hurtwife:<BR>[B]TRose:<BR>"It's been pure hell being the BS." <P><BR>This is the part that kills me. I wasn't raised to hurt others. I know it's been hell for you and I wish I could apologize for the OW in your H's life. I have apologized to MM wife, but I don't know if it did any good. I had very loving parents and I always wanted a relationship like they had. I don't know if it was a combination of things, and I'm not making excuses for myself, but I lost both my parents and went through a divorce last year after ten painful years of a loveless marriage. I wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone, but when I began the A, I broke my one and only absolute "no" rule. Never mess with a MM. And you're right. I lost my self respect. I kept losing a little bit of myself every day. I now wish I had never formed an emotional attachment to MM. I don't know why I believed him. All I know now is that I don't how to trust or who to believe in anymore. Not even myself. I have looked at my beautiful daughters and know that I don't want them to think this is okay. I don't want them to ever suffer as the BS or the OP. I'd like to think that MM is suffering too, not because I want him to hurt, but because if he is, then maybe somewhere inside, he really did care, sometime, somehow, for someone.<P>As for the key, when I was last on here, a friend had stopped by on her lunch hour to see me and she offered to pick up the key for me. He handed it over without a word. That ought to tell me, that I was never really an option for him. That hurts like hell, but I guess I deserved it. Thanks for being so understanding everyone, and I'll keep coming on, if only to keep reminding myself not to go back, not to give in. <BR>

{{{{{{TRose}}}}}}<P>We are here to support and help, let us do that with you now.<P>Judy

TRose,<P>There is another reason to keep coming here. You can help other people here as well. You will see more than a few situations where your insights and experience may well make the difference to someone else.<P>Good Luck and God Bless,<P>JL

Change the locks, it would be worth the expense to not have to face him again. What a spiteful person, you are so much better off without him. Celebrate!! Remember, you are a wonderful person and he isn't the only fish in the sea (remember, he's also not the only married one either!!). I have noticed at my church there are so many attractive single men. Investigate a Christian singles group. A Man of God is the man to have!! Let me know if you need a shoulder.