I'm so proud of you.....I know how hard that was.<P>Now, brace yourself. I know you can handle the withdrawal and I know that, after a while, the pain will ease, but I'd be willing to bet that, when this selfish fool gets bored or lonely, he's gonna look you up! THAT'S when you'll need your strength the most. And I know you've got it! Keep posting here. This is a good group of people and they'll get you through the rough spots.<P>hang in there. You're doing good.<P>love and prayers,<P>Lori

Just wanted you to know that you & your daughers are in my prayers. Stay strong.

TRose:<P>My intentions were not to make you feel worse, and I apologize if you felt that way.<P>I feel your pain, as well as others here and sympathies with what you are going through.<BR> <BR>Feeling the way you do about the situation says a lot for your character, that is meant to be a compliment.(more than I can say for the OW in my H’s life). You are apparently a different type of person, with remorse and insite for what has occurred. You should feel good about yourself for that. <P>You made a mistake, as we all do. <BR>I always say everyone makes mistakes....if we learn from those mistakes it was a beneficial lesson.....if we don’t learn and repeat the same mistakes we are stupid. It appears that you are learning a painful but also valuable lesson. Try to look at it that way, stop beating yourself up, it serves no purpose. Especially with your children, they are more perceptive than we realize. Try not to think about the negative aspects of this, think about the positive. Turn this around. Look at all the things you<BR>have learned from this. Consider it a lesson in life from which you have gained a lot of knowledge. For knowledge is power. You have the power to start a new and better life for yourself and your children. It is said everything happens for a reason, a reason for this is to help you become a better person. The wisdom you retain from<BR>this experience will help you in your future. <P>It is helpful to try to be thankful and focus on positive things, instead of focusing on the negative. Sometimes it’s real hard to do, but it does help. Look around you for<BR>what you have to be thankful. Be thankful that you realized this was a mistake, thankful for the lessons it has taught you. Thankful for your beautiful children, for their health and yours, even the smallest things can be a blessing. It is a blessing that you realize this now and know to do the right thing.<P>You will gain back your self respect because you are stronger than you think, just don’t go back, go forward.<P>Glad you got the key taken care of, be thankful for that friend, one more problem out of your life. <P>Take care and May God Bless. <BR>

TRose I read your post the first day and have had you in my thoughts ever since. I came to MB tonight to give you my perspective ( my daughter is? has been the OW). After reading all the posts sent to you My "words of wisdom" pale. You are at the right place! Let these loving people help you. lostva is so right. He will try again, he isn't thinking about what is best for you, he is thinking about his selvish need to strok his ego. (my D's MM) I do want to tell you that even though I am the MOM to OW, The knowledge I have learnd from reading here has helped my husband and I with our daughter. It has helped our marriage. You will be stronger for staying. I'll keep reading your posts and think os you as I do my D. <P>------------------<BR>Marry

Hi Trose,<P>For all that it is worth, I am glad you have come here for help. You have received support and advice from many great people who are in turn dealing with their own personal turmoils (self included). I quickly scanned the responses and just would like to add on comment (this is unusual for me since I usually do long posts). Anyway, if possible could you opt for a phone session with Jennifer or Steve Harley? The reason why I recommend this is because I know they can assist you in writing a letter (if this is what you chose) to the Ws in an effort to make a clean break of this A. If he chooses to have another A after you, you have a clean conscience. You can not control his actions anymore than his wife can. You can only control your actions. <P>I wish you well on your recovery. It is my wish that one day you will meet the right person who will treat you with the dignity and respect you should have. <P>Sincerely,<BR>L.<BR>

Thanks Orchid, but in all honesty I don't even know who the Harley's are. That I came to this site is purely accidental. Or perhaps not. I don't know. I do know that things happen for a reason and somehow I ended up here, reading these messages and then I made a choice to place myself out there, despite possible ridicule and fear of hatred being thrown my way. In some way I think I wanted, needed to be punished. I don't know. My parents are gone and I have no siblings to speak of, and I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone, so I had no one to answer to. <P>So here I am. And I've recieved kindness and understanding for the same people that I felt I wronged. You have no idea how much this has meant to me. It's given me courage to do things I didn't think I could do. It's given me courage to tell my friends. And amazingly they still love me and they are also standig by me and encouraging me also. I think you guys have helped restore my faith. <P>I have also cut all my hair off. This is how I know it's really over. I know this sounds silly, but my hair was a symbolic representation of my A. He always told me how beautiful my hair was and how much he liked long hair, so I let it grow. I myself am not crazy about having long hair and prefer to have short hair. I took the scissors to it myself sunday night and felt really good about it. I didn't tell you all this before, but when I came across this site, I think I just wanted the hurt and guilt to end in anyway I could make it stop. I'm ashamed of myself for thinking the things that I did and ashamed that I could even consider such things. So the more I think about it, the more I think that it was fate that brought me here. <P>I feel very tired and my chest actually physically hurts. I feel strong and lost at the same time. When I lost my parents, I expected my heart to feel heavy and hurt, but I didn't know that ending this A would leave me with the same feeling. I keep telling myself that I HAVE to pick myself up. I HAVE to live MY life. <P>When I was a little girl my father once told me that if I could look in the mirror and say "I like you, just the way you are" that was a good thing, and that if I didn't like what I saw in the mirror I needed to do something about it. I was starting to dread looking in the mirror and it still hurts, but maybe one day soon, I'll be able to look and smile and maybe the person there will smile back. <P>I keep asking myself the reasons, why I became involved to began with and why was he looking also? What need was there for both of us? I think in some ways I was looking for comfort. What was it that he really wanted from me? Was it just for the sex? Is it really true that men can separate sex from love/emotion? The scary thing is that the first time MM's W and I came face to face, I saw the likeness immediately and I know she did too, because her eyes got really big. We're both slender, dark brown eyes, black hair, freckled and delicate boned. The difference being our skin color and taste in clothes. As we started learning things about each other, other similarities are our love of adventure and travel, animals and children. What does all this mean?

Yes, men do seperate sex from emotion in alot of ways. Men also look for acceptance and enjoy being pursued, and those BS's out there can tell you that there are plenty of young women and men out there who ENJOY destroying marriages. Be glad you are not one of those lost souls. I do not intend to offend anyone who is going through the pain of being the OW or the BS, but the bottom line is there are so many unsaved people in this world who have been raised to live in immorality. That you can honestly take responsiblity for your mistake is admirable and you will be a better person for what you have done in the past few days. They do not know any better. My job now is to make my husband feel how wanted and needed he is to me, and hope he can make the right decision. More pain than I could have ever imagined, physically surgery couldn't be this bad. At least I will live with the confidence that I did everything in my power to be a good wife to him, because up until now I can honestly tell you that I have been a lousy wife. I am extremely grateful to have been able to talk to you, it gives me hope that there is plenty of good people in this world and that love can prevail.

My H had an A. It was a revenge A in response to what I had done previously. That poor woman was used until my husband could find it in his heart to forgive me. I think he believed he cared for her at the time, and I know she believed he would be there for her eventually-but he's home with me now and our children and she is left just used. She doesn't like me much because of it, but hey, I never did anything to her...just to my husband. She was a grown adult that got involved in two people's marriage. My point is...my husband and I were on divorce's doorstep and he still came back to me. It doesn't even sound like you OM is considering that. How long are you going to continue to let him use you and then ultimately, end up alone. Don't you as a person deserve more? I don't intend this to sound mean...it's just I know what she was expecting and I know what she got.

Hi TRose,<P>In response to you response.... The Harley's are the ones who run this website here at marriage builders. You can go to the top of your screen and hit the home button to review their general information. While there you can review the basic concepts section which is full of helpful information and gives a brief overview of what this site offers. In regards to the phone counseling session, I recommend you go to the top of screen and hit the 'counsel' button, it will take you right to info you need to setup a phone counseling session. <P>My H & I have talked with Steve Harley, both he and Jennifer have helped many. They are open and willing to listen your individual situation and are easy to work with. I hope you get a chance to work with them. There are many other tools available here also. <P>Look, I do not work for the Harley's but have benefitted by much of the info here. My support comes not only from posters on this site but the info that we work with from this site. <P>Have you received a welcome message from NSR? If not, I am sure he will stop by soon. This message will better guide you in your recovery process. <P>Wishing you the best. <BR>L.<P><BR>

Thanks Orchid. You sound like a really great person. All of you do. <P>I hope things work out for all of you. MM told me sometime back that his W wanted to go to counseling. In our last conversation I told him that he should go and that if he could, he should try to save his marriage, especially after he told me that if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else. In someways I actually feel sorry for him. I know I have issues and I'm trying to deal with them, but he doesn't want to admit that he has a problem. <P>Thanks for the info.

Hi TRose,<P>I lurk much more than I write, but I felt compelled to pop in here. I am a BS. I am so proud of you for what you are doing. I also want to say how wonderful everyone on this site is. I have read all of their responses to you and think how great it is that they can all be so supportive. <P>I don't know about your religious convictions, but I do know that you can get through this with God's help. I went to a great Ladies Luncheon today at my friend's church and the speaker was awesome. She spoke about being positive. I am personally so guilty of having a negative attitude lately (since D-Day), but she really shed some light on the power of positive thinking and actions. She did say that it was no use to try to be positive if you didn't get resupplied from the Power Source (God). <P>It sounds like you have had a terrible year. I am sorry for all of your pain. Sometimes a person just wants to feel loved in the midst of so much crisis. We all do things that we are not proud of in our lives. What we learn and do after that really determines the person we are. You will come out of this a much stronger person for yourself and your girls. <P>Take care and God bless,<BR>you'll be in my prayers.<BR>Window

Thanks widow. I'm catholic. I haven't taken communion since the A began. However, instead of stopping church attendance, I began to go more frequently, even on off hours. And I admit I haven't gone to confession because I've been too ashamed. Foolish of me, since He has known all the time. <P>I have been reading everything I can on this site as time allows since last night. I have learned so much. I wish I had found this site months ago. I take that back. Years ago. Since I started posting, I haven't felt alone or weak. This is hard, but two days have gone by w/o communication with MM and I havent died yet, so there's hope. I repeat to myself "this too shall pass." I'll be moving by this end of this month, so I'll have new numbers and in the mean time I've been screening my calls. I have already requested a new PO box. I mailed a do not communicate letter like some of you suggested and now I realize why it's a good idea. Can't go back on my word now. At least I still know how to keep a promise. <P>Four years ago I was BS, new baby and ran mom's business after they discovered her cancer. I'm beginning to think that I'm just now barely healing from all of that. My friends used to tease me about being an optimist because I didn't like to use the word mistake. Instead I called it a learning experience. I've learned a lot, especially about myself. I think perhaps MM filled a void only now, I see that he never really did and I only felt worse about myself.<P>I always had a really good sense of humor, but over the past year or two my laughter always turned to tears. I'm tired of crying. I just want my life back. Not the way it was, but the way it should be. The only problem is that I'm not sure how it should be.<BR>

I forgot to mention that MM's W also had several affairs. How probable is it that he might have used me to get back at her?