No Moh,<P>Just last week, I learned that an acquaintance of mine had been abused by her husband. He has hit her several times, but never in front of the children.<P>Then, last week, he grabbed her, swore at her, and punched her in front of her children. When her 8-year old child came running out of the house, her H let go of her, got in his car and drove off. Here is the text of her conversation with her 8-year old:<P>CHILD: Mom, why did Daddy hit you?<BR>MOM: I don't know.<BR>CHILD: Did it make you sad?<BR>MOM: Yes, it did, honey.<BR>CHILD: You know what makes me sad?<BR>MOM: What?<BR>CHILD: When Daddy calls me an idiot.<P>This revelation was a complete shock to her. Are you SURE your children don't know what is happening? Are you SURE he hasn't already hurt them with words, if not physically?<P>Your children don't have a choice in this matter. They have to stay in an abusive household as long as you do. Would you have been angry with your mother if she had left your father? Please, please, PLEASE think about leaving for a time. If your H was once a non-abuser, he can become a non-abuser again, but not if you make it easy for him to continue treating you like this.<P>Good luck and God bless you, No Moh.

Dear NoMoh, I understand how you are feeling, as I have been in the same situation. I let my dh get away with his atrocious abusive behavior for way too long. And, yes it was worse, much worse, during his A's. To make a long story short, calling the police and his arrest was probably one of the best things that could have happened. My dh was court ordered to attend Domestic Violence classes and they helped him. His arrest was a wake-up call, and we did not divorce because of it. We have been restored for nearly 2 years now, and our marriage is greatly improved. <P>There is a way for your marriage to be saved and for your husband's behavior and life to be changed. It is through prayer. The living God can and WILL restore your marriage. Mine is a testimony to that. What Satan intends for evil and destruction God can turn to good for His glory. <P>What the Lord has done in my marriage and my husband is truly a miracle. With God, NOTHING is impossible, even turning the heart of an abusive alcoholic. A little over 2 years ago, my dh said he hated me, couldn't stand to be around me, wanted a divorce, etc. What he says today is a complete turnaround; he loves me, he is very happy we didn't divorce, and our son and I are the most important people in the world to him. God's word promises to restore to you all the years that the swarming locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25). He loves you NoMoh, and He loves your husband. Let Him help you. He is waiting for you to ask.....<P>May the Lord bless you abundantly,<P>AW <P><BR>P.S., here's a couple websites you may want to check out. <BR>The news story is one that just happened last week.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.aaml.org/battered.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.aaml.org/battered.htm</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.nbc5i.com/cgi-bin/gx.cgi/AppLogic+FTContentServer?pagename=FutureTense/Apps/Xcelerate/Render&c=NBCArticle&cid=NBC6GGGPLMC&preview=true" TARGET=_blank>http://www.nbc5i.com/cgi-bin/gx.cgi/AppLogic+FTContentServer?pagename=FutureTense/Apps/Xcelerate/Render&c=NBCArticle&cid=NBC6GGGPLMC&preview=true</A> <BR>

NoMoh,<P>How's it going today?<P>All the best.<BR>--HBC

Hello HBC, Schizzo, Alcoholic's Wife, Ragamuffin, GivemeStrength,<P>All is well with me. Sorry for not posting sooner but H almost caught me posting on Sunday and I quickly exited the site. He does not know about MB and I told him this is a part of my life that I am not ready to share with him yet. Yesterday, I went back through history and deleted all the references to MB.<P>Guess What! My beloved H threw his back out . He is in agony and can hardly walk . This happened on Sunday. I am not feeling the least bit sorry for him. I asked him if he believed the expression "what goes around, comes around". He looked puzzled and said what are you talking about. I said you really hurt me on Monday night and here you are not even a week later laid up and in pain. He had no reply. He has asked me to give him a message etc and I have politely declined. <P>I am slowly starting to withdraw from my H. On Sunday I pretty much left him alone and he hated it. Even in extreme pain he came downstairs to find out why I was not keeping him company while he lay in bed. This is when he almost caught me posting. He gave me the most beautiful hand carved wall clock for Mother's Day and I was not bowled over as he thought I would be. I recognized it as a guilt present and took it as such. It would have meant so much more to me if the events of last Monday did not occur.<P>With all of that being said, I am still weighing my options. I have decided I will no longer worry about whether I am making my spouse happy by meeting all of his ENs. I will be pleasant, yet not go out of my way to please him. I am still struggling with the fact of his abuse. I cannot excuse it as being in the midst of an MLC or affair like I did last year. The events of last Monday night really has no justification. He deliberately set out to hurt me and I am still trying to figure out why. As I said he is not in the midst of his affair anymore so why hurt me so badly. We were getting along so well, falling in love all over again then WHAM!<P>I do appreciate all of the advice and I will do my best to make the right decision for me and my children. I am almost hoping that by not making the extra effort to meet his ENs that he will threaten to leave me. If he does, I will take him up on that offer. I think it is high time he learns that I do have limits to what I will tolerate from him. <P>Thanks for checking in on me. Will keep everyone updated.<P>N<P>

Hello HBC, Schizzo, Alcoholic's Wife, Ragamuffin, GivemeStrength,<P>All is well with me. Sorry for not posting sooner but H almost caught me posting on Sunday and I quickly exited the site. He does not know about MB and I told him this is a part of my life that I am not ready to share with him yet. Yesterday, I went back through history and deleted all the references to MB.<P>Guess What! My beloved H threw his back out . He is in agony and can hardly walk . This happened on Sunday. I am not feeling the least bit sorry for him. I asked him if he believed the expression "what goes around, comes around". He looked puzzled and said what are you talking about. I said you really hurt me on Monday night and here you are not even a week later laid up and in pain. He had no reply. He has asked me to give him a message etc and I have politely declined. <P>I am slowly starting to withdraw from my H. On Sunday I pretty much left him alone and he hated it. Even in extreme pain he came downstairs to find out why I was not keeping him company while he lay in bed. This is when he almost caught me posting. He gave me the most beautiful hand carved wall clock for Mother's Day and I was not bowled over as he thought I would be. I recognized it as a guilt present and took it as such. It would have meant so much more to me if the events of last Monday did not occur.<P>With all of that being said, I am still weighing my options. I have decided I will no longer worry about whether I am making my spouse happy by meeting all of his ENs. I will be pleasant, yet not go out of my way to please him. I am still struggling with the fact of his abuse. I cannot excuse it as being in the midst of an MLC or affair like I did last year. The events of last Monday night really has no justification. He deliberately set out to hurt me and I am still trying to figure out why. As I said he is not in the midst of his affair anymore so why hurt me so badly. We were getting along so well, falling in love all over again then WHAM!<P>I do appreciate all of the advice and I will do my best to make the right decision for me and my children. I am almost hoping that by not making the extra effort to meet his ENs that he will threaten to leave me. If he does, I will take him up on that offer. I think it is high time he learns that I do have limits to what I will tolerate from him. <P>Thanks for checking in on me. Will keep everyone updated.<P>N<P>

Hello HBC, Schizzo, Alcoholic's Wife, Ragamuffin, GivemeStrength,<P>All is well with me. Sorry for not posting sooner but H almost caught me posting on Sunday and I quickly exited the site. He does not know about MB and I told him this is a part of my life that I am not ready to share with him yet. Yesterday, I went back through history and deleted all the references to MB.<P>Guess What! My beloved H threw his back out . He is in agony and can hardly walk . This happened on Sunday. I am not feeling the least bit sorry for him. I asked him if he believed the expression "what goes around, comes around". He looked puzzled and said what are you talking about. I said you really hurt me on Monday night and here you are not even a week later laid up and in pain. He had no reply. He has asked me to give him a message etc and I have politely declined. <P>I am slowly starting to withdraw from my H. On Sunday I pretty much left him alone and he hated it. Even in extreme pain he came downstairs to find out why I was not keeping him company while he lay in bed. This is when he almost caught me posting. He gave me the most beautiful hand carved wall clock for Mother's Day and I was not bowled over as he thought I would be. I recognized it as a guilt present and took it as such. It would have meant so much more to me if the events of last Monday did not occur.<P>With all of that being said, I am still weighing my options. I have decided I will no longer worry about whether I am making my spouse happy by meeting all of his ENs. I will be pleasant, yet not go out of my way to please him. I am still struggling with the fact of his abuse. I cannot excuse it as being in the midst of an MLC or affair like I did last year. The events of last Monday night really has no justification. He deliberately set out to hurt me and I am still trying to figure out why. As I said he is not in the midst of his affair anymore so why hurt me so badly. We were getting along so well, falling in love all over again then WHAM!<P>I do appreciate all of the advice and I will do my best to make the right decision for me and my children. I am almost hoping that by not making the extra effort to meet his ENs that he will threaten to leave me. If he does, I will take him up on that offer. I think it is high time he learns that I do have limits to what I will tolerate from him. <P>Thanks for checking in on me. Will keep everyone updated.<P>N<P>

Oops! Double post.<p>[This message has been edited by NoMoh (edited May 16, 2001).]

Hi NoMoh, You sound like you've gotten back some confidence and distanced yourself a bit from the situation. <P>Have you read "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav? He talks about abuse - I found it interesting. <P>I get the feeling from you that you feel your H hasn't realized what he has done. I wonder though if he is shutting it out because it was so terrible, and his guilt somehow blocks his sensitivity toward you. Just an impression. I hope you are working more on you and your hurt than worrying about how guilty your H might be feeling. I hope you aren't getting worked up over the thought that he is not remorseful enough. Because if you let that build up, you might end up in another confrontation with him. I'm concerned for your safety.<P>His back is hurting him and it's easy to think too bad. But, imo, his physical pain, and you seeing it as revenge, won't benefit you or your relationship. If anything, he might take you saying to him "what comes around goes around" the wrong way. <P>I'm sorry if that sounds harsh and perhaps I'm totally off. What he did to you was inexcusable. And I'm just worried that your hurt might backfire.