I'm currently separated from my husband (1 week). SF was a big EN of mine that he never seemed motivated to meet or to find out why. Emotional intimacy and closeness has been something I have wanted to give and receive for so long but for reasons that maybe even he doesn't understand, he is not receptive or able to give it. Moving out has removed me from feeling constantly rejected by him from sleeping in the same bed yet never touching. Even my moving out has not made him more amorous in an attempt to bring me back.<P>My problem now (and I guess I should have known this was coming) is that I'm becoming increasingly aware of the potential for other relationships. This disturbs me because I've already made the mistake once of engaging in an ema while convinced that my marriage was over. I know now that the marriage has to REALLY be OVER (divorce) before I should be considering such a move. But the desire to be held and wanted, to get lost in the arms of a passionate man, is really beginning to consume me. It’s not like I have anyone 'lined up' or anything, but just the fact that I'm thinking (so much) in those terms. I mean, I know it's perfectly normal to be attracted to other people, it's when you ACT on those feelings that it becomes inappropriate. I've already acted once, and even though I've been through the fallout, I can see where I could possibly act on them again. What's wrong with me?<BR>

You are very vulnerable right now. Why did your husband and you split up?<P>TnT

Thanks for responding TNT (hey, I like that, TNT!). We split for many, many reasons. I moved out because there were a lot of things wrong and nothing was really getting worked on (in my opinion) and I was quickly losing all sight of myself by putting all of my energy into trying to bail out a sinking ship. I needed some calmness, peace and solitude. I needed to stop the world and get off for a while. We're living apart but leaving the door open for reconciliation. I honestly have no idea how successful we'll be. This may be the wrong attitude but I feel like a lot of it depends on him and I simply haven't seen the motivation that I would have liked to see. But you are right, I am vulnerable, and so I have to try to keep it all together and figure out the best way to deal with the temptation to entertain the idea of new relationships while the current one has yet to be determined. Thanks again.<P>Ava<BR>

The "TNT" is a nick name that a MB friend gave me, she said every time she read trustntruth she read TnT - explosive!!! That is how I was when I first started here 5,000 posts ago... <P>So, did you "suddenly" leave your husband, or did you both discuss it - agree on it, etc.?<P>You say you are leaving the door open for reconcilliation - meaning what would you like to see change?<P>Keep posting, we are here.<BR>TnT

<B>So, did you "suddenly" leave your husband, or did you both discuss it - agree on it, etc.? </B><P>It wasn't really sudden. I had almost done it last fall but changed my mind because it was a big step and I wasn't really ready yet; thought we might still be able to work some things out. But it seemed like whenever he felt safe that he wasn't going to lose me, he stopped working on us, he became very complacent with the way things were, it was me who was unhappy and he was willing and able to ignore our problems unless I was constantly hitting him over the head with them. I felt like I was working on it alone, and that's not the kind of marriage I want, so I told him that I still felt the need to leave and give us both a breather. We discussed it, he didn't really agree on it, didn't like it, but I felt I had to do it anyway. I kept him apprised of everything, and infact even now I'm only about 5 miles away.<P><B>You say you are leaving the door open for reconcilliation - meaning what would you like to see change?<BR></B><BR>I want him to be more communicative. To be pro-active about his understanding of the state of our marriage. To be concerned with my happiness, my needs and his ability or inability to meet them. I want him to understand and communicate his needs to me as well. I don't want our marriage to be all about playing traditional roles and going through motions without any enthusiasm behind them; thoughtless, mindless pecks and never a passionate kiss. I want responses from him that show emotion, not the calm and reserved at all costs man who's nearly impossible to shake up. I want so much and feel that I get so little. I also wish that he would stop drinking; I believe it's a problem but he doesn't, not yet anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I'm having a relationship with him or budweiser. I don't know if he can do any of these things, and I don't know if I'm willing to make the choice to possibly live the rest of my life without these things. I understand now that love is a choice, that no relationship will be perfect, but these things are really pretty high on my list.<P>Ava<BR>

Everyone wishes their spouse would change in some way, but the truth is the only one you can control is yourself. When my wife and I seperated I blamed her for it and told myself I did everything right, but the truth was I didn't do everything right. I lost perspective of us as a couple and immediately started giving her the attention she needed. She wasn't willing to just okay everything is fine now and go back to how things were. Things are better now, different but better. You both have needs. If either one of you don't get your needs meet that one will not be very willing to meet the needs of the other. Look deep into yourself and see what you see. good luck

Are you having any contact with your husband? <P>Have you done a personality profile inventory? (Kiersey temperment sorter is good)<P>Have you taken the emotional needs inventory? <P>Why don't you print off the emotional needs inventory for you and your husband - and see if he even understands what your emotional needs are! <P>

Ava,<BR>How did your weekend go?<BR>TnT