I have been married for 1 1/2 years. My husband and I have had a difficult start at best. His ex-wife has been very vindictive and destructive, he was involved in a very long protracted custody dispute that just got resolved about a month ago and my ex has caused some financial problems for me about a year ago. The stress has been very overwhelming. On a positive note, we make a point of spending time together, enjoying social activities and when the stress level is low, we have a fun, comforting relationship. I have made my mistakes though. The biggest one was last year. My ex was harrassing, threatening me and making my life miserable over some old debts and to keep him off my back I gave him money. When my husband found out, he was deeply hurt and angry. I felt terrible. We went to marriage counselling (he stopped going after one session) because I wanted us to confront this issue and I wanted to try and show him that I really wanted his forgiveness. I know I messed up but I really have worked on being a good partner to him.<P>3 weeks ago my husband received an e-mail from an old high school girlfriend (the one he lost his virginity to) that he has not seen in 14 years. In the past 3 weeks they e-mail each other constantly, talk about every other day on the telephone and they will be seeing each other in a few weeks when he goes home to visit his grandparents (he made these plans on his own without me). I am physically ill over this. He claims they are just friends but I know they have discussed some intimate things. She is separated from her husband.<P>My husband says he wants a separation and he claims that we have had so many problems that it is the best thing for both of us and that the timing with this woman's involvement doesn't mean a thing. This is the catch: He wants to live together for about a year and then separate. He also wants to remain friends, lovers, companions, etc. with me. I have asked him to go to marriage counselling but he claims it is a waste of time. He also says that he can't get over the money issue with my ex and that I deceived him and he pretty much admitted that his involvement with this woman is a way of hurting me back. <P>Since we have been involved, I have made every effort to meet his needs and be a good partner. I know that I have screwed up but I also believe I have been supportive and loving to him. This woman is taking up too much time in my life and I am not sure what to do. I love him deeply and I don't want to leave him but the pain is unbearable.<P>We are transferring in a few weeks because of our jobs and I am not sure if it is best to move on my own if this involvement continues. I don't understand why he wants to live with me and then separate later when he could be on his own now if he wanted when we move. I don't want my marriage to end but I don't want to live with her being the priority either.

2nd Best:<BR> I'm rather new here, don't want to give you any wrong advice. You need to go and read the information on this site that offers some tools you can use to determine if this marriage is worth saving - and they ALL are until you simply can't go another step...<P>Please check out these links and think about what you read... tons of great info... Begin with the General Welcome.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>I can tell you from my own experience, I think there are some threatening signs of real potential problems for your marriage. My husband moved out 10 months ago with OW.<BR>Later (after he left) I found a entry he had written 2 months before trying to get in touch with a former classmate he had had a CRUSH on about 19 years ago. This is not the OP he moved out with. But finding this told me was that he had the urge to look for someone else. This was a shock to me and there were no indication to me that there was a problem. He just came home from work one day and surprise, he got an apartment and left. Apparently he was contemplating this for months, of course without my knowledge. <BR> <BR>I even heard the just a friend, when I ran into them a month and a half after he left. They were living together and this is why he left, it was all planned. <P>It sounds like maybe he wants his cake and eat it to. I think from what I've read and seen that when they get this urge, they don't think straight, than lie to cover up what is really on their minds. <BR> My husband said he needed time to think, was confused, mixed up, need to be ALONE, that's not being alone when he was with OW. <BR>At first he was calling me and coming over, I think in hind site that he was seeing what was going to happen with the OW and trying to keep the door opened with me just in case. My husband used a bunch of excuses, one he said he was nothing but a paycheck to me. That really made me feel bad because it wasn't the truth at all, I even felt it must be horrible for him to feel that way. This was until I discovered that he was her sole support and has been since he left (she doesn't work and hasn't since she has been with him). I now think that he was just trying to make me feel bad, and blame me for his leaving. I think he is definately ADDICTED to OW and in a DEEP FOG. Your husband might or could be headed there. <P>My H wasn't willing to go to counciling either, he did go once but for himself, wasn't willing to go with me or work on our marriage. <P>I may be wrong, but I think the money issue is an excuse. I think there are deeper issues that need to be addressed and worked on, probably the distrust. He may be confused right now and doesn't know what he wants to do. Could be he is wavering between you and the OW. That's why you need to read and do something NOW to try and save your marriage. <P>Take care and May God Bless.<P>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited May 09, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited May 09, 2001).]