OW called me to let me know that her H would be making contact with me. He is having a difficult time dealing with everything. He could easily destroy my H's career although I'm not concerned about that. He does not know all the details. She told him they were only together once and they were together more than that. She says he is suicidal, severely depressed and not functioning well, even at work. I'm concerned OW is manipulating me into keeping details from him, but I don't want him to become worse if he is having mental issues. I plan to tell him that I don't want to discuss details because I think our spouses owe us the truth and that is how they rebuild trust. Also, her perceptions of their time together is going to be different from my H's. So it seems like we would only be hurting each other worse to discuss the details from what our own spouses have told us. My H wants to apologize to him face to face but she says that her H is not sure he is capable of seeing my H without physically harming him. So I'm looking for advice especially from men who have been betrayed. What did you want? Is there anything the OM could have done to 'make it better'? He is also angry at me for not immediatley telling him once I found out. I all but begged OW and my H to tell him the truth from the time I found out on. He would never have know if I had not pushed her into telling. And neither one of us would have known had I not become suspicious and my H not been willing to admit that he had been behaving like the scum of the earth.....

I'm not sure of your situation...is the A still ongoing? <P>I am a BS my W is the WS...and I have talked to the OMW and e-mailed the OM twice with one reply....(of course it wasn't his problem blah, blah blah...it was all our issue blah, blah, blah) but that's off-topic.<P>As the betrayed husband and the OM were to contact me to apologize I am not sure what I would do...but and for me this is big BUT...I tend to recognize that the A was not all his fault (though he had the choise to avoid it)...so I doubt I would be violent. That would be especially so if there was some true contrition and a sincere apology....that wouldn't make us buddies, mind you, but I probably wouldn't haul off and hit him either.<P>As for your discussion with OWH as BSs...you have to be a little careful because everyone has their own version of the truth and it's hard to say that it isn't their own perception and belief and even small variances can be hurtful.<P>Here's the deal I have with OMW...we agreed (after talking for a couple of days after d-day) not to talk again at the request of our spouses...but we also agreed that if we found out there was still contact or contact resumed, then all bets were off and we would be in contact asap...personally I hope to never hear from her again:-)<P>I don't know if this helps. It sounds a little in your case like the OW is in a cover your a** mode.<P>Best of luck. <P>

I think not telling him details is the right call. He should get the "truth" from his W. The things that OW describes her H as being, depressed, not functioning well, etc ... are unfortunately pretty normal. Encourage him to seek counselling or to join the rest of us here at MB. <P>My W was the WS and I had one conversation with OM after d-day. I was mad enough to be violent, however I kept reminding myself that violence will not solve anything and would most likely cause new problems. When I talked to OM, I was looking for three things; confirmation that the A did happen, confirmation that the A was over, and assurance that he would not contact my W again. He denied that the A happened so I struck out on the first two, however he agreed that he would not have any contact with my W. OM's W does not know of his A. I told him that I thought he should be the one to tell his W, however if there was any contact between him and my W, I would tell his W. He has honored his side of the deal even though he claims the A did not happen. <P>I no longer need his confirmation that the A did happen nor that it is over. My W and I have been through a lot, but knowing that there is no contact was/is very important to me.<P>As for you not telling him the truth when you found out, that is his W's responsibility, not yours. I admire that you were able to get OW to come clean.<P>Up from here

Elad,<BR>Yes the affair is over. As soon as I found out my H began the process of turning his life around. I told him that no matter what, I was committed to the marriage and that helped him began the painful process of reavealing to me the worst of his self. I think you are right on about OW still being in cover your A** mode. She wears a thick facade around herself about what a wonderful person she is. She can't quite belive someone as good as she is, was capable of making such a huge mistake. She is now getting her masters in counseling!<P>Up from here,<BR>I do think I'm right to just simply state that I don't wish to discuss details, that he needs to get those directly from wife to begin the process of rebuilding trust. I'm going to recommend that he get counseling but his wife says that he won't even consider it. I think he feels totally humiliated. I do think it was his wife's responsibility to tell him the truth, but it would not have happened had I not pushed her into it. I just can't live my life, running into these people ( we see them at the ball field all the time) and look into their faces and act as if everything is a OK... I walked up to her unexpectedly at the ball field one day and told her that she needed to come clean with him soon because it was too difficult for me to continue lying to him every time I see him. <BR>But.... What if he directly asks me 'did they have sex one time?' How should I respond? I guess I'll just tell him he'll have to ask his wife and then it seems like it will be obvious what the answer is... I do have so much empathy for him because I know she is not ready to face herself and I don't know if he is ready to show her mercy and compassion to help her get there.<BR>There is another OW and H who I will be seeing at the ball field whom I did not expect to see. This one is even more difficult because the men work together occasionally. Again there is no way I can see him and act as if everythings hunky dory. They had a drunken one night stand she claims to not remember so why would I want to cause her H the same pain that I am obviously going through? Isn't it amazing how people can make these kinds of decisions in their lives and then not expect consequences? Well my life has been filled with pain but oh have I not also been blessed. My H and my children have been saved. My H has totally become a different person. I have realized what a strong person I am, one with character. I don't run from trouble but grow from it.

hi broken,<BR>not a male but just have to say I like your ideas for the upcoming conversation. I agree that his wife needs to tell him. You might find yourself saying 'i dont recall discussing that with my h, i was too upset to remember exactly what was said', or things along those lines. Try to be vague, but helpful and concerned for his well-being.<BR>Tough situation.<BR>Though not a male, if certain OWs had been near me at certain times shortly after discovery, I would have become phsycial with them! Apology or not, sincere or otherwise, there were times I plain did not care. I could have lost it! <BR>I think it is noble of h to consdier apologies, as long as things stay cool! <BR>Best of luck in this endeavor. Aloha, cl

BDX, <P>I laughed out loud when I read the part about OW getting her master's in counseling. What color is the sky in her world???? What are these people (OPs & WSs) thinking????<P>cl is right, there are a lot of weasel words/phrases that can get you around trouble with the OWH without telling him all you know. <P>If the question is did they have sex just one time? I guess what's the difference? Once, twice, three, it's all betrayal and selfishness.<P>Take care

Thanks to everyone for replying!<P>cl, <BR>For the first few weeks every time I passed by these 2 women's red cars I had fantasys of just ramming my car into theirs. That is one thing I'd like to share with OW's H. I want to make sure he knows that everything he is feeling is normal... We sold my H's vehicle since he had sex with one of them in it, and guess what he came home with? yea a RED replacement. So I often tease him saying I want a new red car so I can be in the 'red car club'... Isn't it funny that he doesn't laugh! Thanks for those suggestions as to what to say, that is going to help me so much. For myself especially early on, a genuine and sincere apology was meaningful. I'm getting past that now, and realize that an apology from them to me is something that they need to do for themselves.<P>Elad, <BR>I think the sky is brown in her world! She also counsels herself! Can u imagine the conversations she has with herself???<P>One more thing,<BR>I don't want to stir the pot any more than it already is, but.... I would like to suggest that he check her computer out. That is how my H and OW would meet they would pop on ICQ and agree to meet. This was a weird deal, it was not an emotional love affair. It really makes me angry because H often told this OW that he wanted to make things right with me and start over.... She often told him that he could have a great marriage with me... And then I they screwed each other.... Anyway I think it would be very wise of him to find out what all her email accounts are and get passwords and check her ICQ and IM programs out.. Should I or should I just let him figure it out on his own?