I've been reading Dr. Harley's site for years, but I've never posted here. I'm just feeling so spiritually beaten up right now, that I need to get some help.<P>I've been married almost 9 years. H wandered and had an EMA within the first 6 months, and I am fairly certain he was cheating (other women) during our engagement. I sincerely believe the only reason it ended was that we moved to another state for work. To the best of my knowledge, he has been faithful since 1993. But I know we never did any of the work to really heal from this -- I know I still hurt.<P>I am concerned, though, because I have seen moments of anger in him when he genuinely frightens me and I start thinking he may be capable of actually hurting me. There have been 2 occasions where he has put his hands around my throat in anger. When I tried to talk to him about how inappropriate that was (in much calmer moments), he acts all offended that I think he could hurt me. His logic is that I shouldn't be afraid of him since he's never injured me.<P>And there are less serious incidents, but those bother me a lot too just from the disrespect of it. For example, yesterday he asked what I would like for Mother's Day. I told him a gift certificate to the JCPenney salon would be nice so I could get a perm or manicure or something. He asked where he would get a gift certificate for the JcPenney salon. I couldn't resist some sass and teasingly said "At JCPenney." Well, that annoyed him and he rolled up the newspaper and smacked me on the back with it and made some comment about "like the dog". He didn't hurt me, but it was certainly disrespectful. But when I try to discuss things like that with him, he excuses it as he was just playing and I need to lighten up. He doesn't seem to understand that it's not any single thing -- it's the totality of all the little things like that that get me down.<P>Then, last night, he discovered that the dog had torn up a patch of grass in the yard (this is a bad habit the dog has sometimes). This is something that just infuriates H to no end. Next I know, I seem him chasing the dog around the yard with a plastic baseball bat while our 2 sons are watching. I hollered his name and he came over to the door. I told him he better not do what he's thinking about doing. His response was "Well, then I'm gonna shoot her. You decide which". I just ignored him and went back to fixing dinner. Then out the window, I saw him pick up the dog (a 90-lb lab) by the paws and slam her down on the ground on her back. The dog is fine, but seeing these kind of outbursts really upsets and frightens me, and it disturbs me that he sees nothing wrong with behaving this way and does it in front of our kids. And he doesn't understand why I'm reluctant to drive his truck.... <P>Basically, the way he talks to me is comparable to Al Bundy on "Married with Children". ANd he doesn't see anything wrong with it, other than it might be interfering with our sex life because I say it does. He seems to genuinely think this is a reasonable model for family life. It seems like we have different visions for what married life can and should be. He doesn't realize the possibility of marriage (and family) being a fulfilling, satisfying experience. It's just a trial to endure. It seems like his only interest in improving our marriage is plain ole horniness. <P>We had a long talk a few weeks ago where we agreed to be more respectful to each other, and it worked for a couple weeks. Then he said something disrespectful to me and I called him on it. His response was "I've been nice for 3 weeks and it hasn't gotten me anywhere". He is totally not interested in counseling -- assumes everything will be blamed on him.<P>I just don't know what to do anymore. I've been living in doubt and some fear for years. It just seems wrong to be living our life with me wondering if we'll still be married a year from now. I've lived with that question for years. And I cry at the thought of my sons possibly treating their girlfriends or wives the way H treats me. ANd I'm starting to see some acting out from my older son -- he actually kicked his dad a few weeks ago when he thought dad had pushed me. And I'm getting some very disrespectful behavior from the son -- he's 6.<P>Any ideas or words of wisdom??? Is it reasonable to be concerned for my family's safety? Is this fixable, even if he's not interested in participating???<P>Thanks -- <P>LG<P>

LG,<P>Please go out and buy this book right now: it's called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," by Patricia Evans. It is one of the best books - and one of the only books that I know of - about how to combat verbal abuse. <P>I'll be honest - your H's behavior sounds creepy. This is *his* problem, *not* yours! I really got mad when I read about him abusing your dog. As an avid animal lover, if I ever saw anyone abusing my furry ones, the guns would come out of the closet. Perhaps you should find the dog a nice home away from your H. If not, please watch your H for further signs of abuse of the animal, as well as your children's treatment of the dog. Abuse many times begins with animals and then humans. This does not sound good.<P>Have you talked to your H about individual therapy such as cognitive behavioral therapy, which teaches the client compassion and empathy? Please seek therapy for yourself, whatever you do, and if you can, for your children. You are being verbally and emotionally abused, hon. You all need help staying sane and rational right now. I fear that this is going to get worse before it gets any better.<P>((hugs))<P>belld

Tried to talk to DH the other day about the inappropriateness of his behavior with the dog. Bottom line - he doesn't consider what he did to be abuse. He went on and on trying to explain and get me to understand why he gets so mad about it, telling me that I just don't care because I don't do any of the yardwork and it creates a lot of extra work for him, blah, blah, blah. <P>Finally I said it doesn't matter how mad the dog makes you: there is no justification for abusing the dog because you're angry. That's when he tells me that kicking and throwing the dog isn't abuse.<P>We didn't really finish the conversation because he conveniently left to pick up our older son. I find this very discouraging that he just won't even acknowledge that possibly his behavior is out of line and that it's a bad example for the kids.<P>I doubt he'd consider therapy since he doesn't see any problem. I just don't know if I'm even supposed to try to fix this, or if safety and logic really demand an end to the relationship.<P>Thanks,<BR>LG