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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,465
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,465 |
Another bad morning...H says he becomes angrier at all of the things I'm doing "NOW" to prove my love...when I should have done this before, now that it's too late. He initiated some intimacy last night but he insisted (and almost every night) that it's not because of love but because of attraction and loneliness. What's a good PLAN A response to the above?
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Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 1,050
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I always felt used when he wanted intimacy because he didn't "love" me. However, it met a need he had and I tried to put those feelings aside. Eventually he did "love" me again. That was a very difficult issue for me during our turmoil. You can only go with your heart on this one.
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,465
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Joined: Feb 2001
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Thanks Janie. Your response gives me much needed hope. How long did it take for him to admit to his love for you? How long did he not "love" you? Was he in contact with the OW during this time? Sorry for the questions...I'm just a little neurotic right now.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 486
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You can turn this to your advantage - if by intimacy you mean 'sex', then identify whether you have this basic need yourself. If so, then you can 'use' him for that too, take control and try and separate 'sex' from 'love'. That way it won't feel as though you are giving yourself to him just to make him happy, and you won't feel so used yourself.<BR>Stay strong,<BR>Paint.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 337
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T --<P>Paintbox is right on the money on this one. I'd never been able to separate sexuality from intimacy (being female) until a few months after dday. <P>We all have sexual needs. Why not let him fulfill them until we can re-attach all of our intimacy to them safely?<P>Snow
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 337
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 337 |
T --<P>Paintbox is right on the money on this one. I'd never been able to separate sexuality from intimacy (being female) until a few months after dday. <P>We all have sexual needs. Why not let him fulfill them until we can re-attach all of our intimacy to them safely?<P>Snow
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 337
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 337 |
T --<P>Paintbox is right on the money on this one. I'd never been able to separate sexuality from intimacy (being female) until a few months after dday. <P>We all have sexual needs. Why not let him fulfill them until we can re-attach all of our intimacy to them safely?<P>Snow
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 469
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Terrified~<P>In response to the questions, you asked of Janie. <P>"How long did it take for him to admit to his love for you?"<BR>That depends on your husband fog and if the affair is over or any contact. <P>"How long did he not "love" you?"<BR>My husband always loved me but his love was blurred because of his affair and he couldn't feel the love for me. These are his words not mine.<P>"Was he in contact with the OW during this time? "<BR>Also long as contact continues he probably won't be able to feel his love.<P>Hope this may help some. I have been where you are at now and it is so hard.<P>Judy
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,465
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Dear BigHope, Thanks SO MUCH for answering my questions. God, I have so many questions and I'm becoming addicted to MB. One more question, how do you stop cotact if negotiating isn't working? Do they have to stop on their own?
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Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 1,050
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Terrified - My H stayed in his fog for about a year and a half. Before I knew everything, he did not want intimacy and didn't even want to be around me. After I found MB and started Plan A, he started to want intimacy (ie sex) after he decided "he didn't know" if he loved me or not. We were separated for three months before he told me he loved me again. After a full year of separation, we reconciled and everything is better than it ever was before. The advice to separate "love" from sex is good advice and I guess that's really what I did, although at times when he just rolled over afterwards it really did hurt. That eventually changed though.
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 469
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terrified<P>As far as contact goes, you can't control what he does. Yes it is up to him to stop the contact. It seems is he in a fog still and till he ready to stop there really isn't much that you can do. Just meet all the needs he will let you meet at this point and also remember Plan A is about you. Do things for yourself, become a better, and improved you.<P>Ask all the questions you may have and we at MB will be here to support and help you. It is a great place to be and the people are even better.<P>Judy<p>[This message has been edited by bighope (edited May 11, 2001).]
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