Read a lot of info but need to know where to start to put the love back.My wife and I have both had affairs,Mine 5 yrs. ago 1 hr long I cut off immeditly and permanently.Hers was this year,started on the net and she is still talking to OM,he lives in another state.How do Istart The long road back.HELP!

Hello, need to know.<P>I'm glad you're here.<P>NSR has put together a great post for newcomers. It's over on the "Just Found Out" board. (If you can't find it, post back and I'll go get the link.)<P>I would suggest beginning by reading the "meat" of this site and getting the Harley's books and reading them. There is a wealth of information about what a relationship involves nd how to make it better.<P>Does your wife acknowledge the affair? Or that it must end? That is the first step...<P>Assess where you are right now. Do so honestly. That will help you figure out what steps to take to get back on track.<P>Welcome to MB, need to know. Sorry I didn't see your post sooner! The weekend is usually pretty slow, but you should see more responses soon.<P>All the best to you.<BR>--HBC

NTK - you have come to the right place. Weekends are slow, so don't feel discouraged by slow and sparse responses.<P>Follow HBC's advice for starters.<P>Tell us more about your wife's situation. Does she know about your affair? What is her attitude toward you regarding her affair? Do you have kids? In general, tell us more.<P>You two can recover. Don't be demanding of your wife and don't make her mad. These are lovebusters that you will learn about.<P>Look at yourself and see what improvements you can make and make them! Demonstrate your improvements to your wife.<P>Ask us a lot of questions and never give up!<P>WAT

Hello <B>need to know</B>,<P>Welcome... and I apologize for not answering sooner. Honestly, I did read this post, and should have answered since I come from a similiar background (my ex had five affairs, I had one) but I had a very rough week last week and decided to allow someone else the opportunity to reach out. I'm sorry.<P>First, here are a couple of links, one that HBC mentioned and one that's new to Marriage Builders:<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A><P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A><P>I suppose it's fairly obvious that my ex-H and I were not able to work things out. Don't let that deter you. Many, many coupled do work things out... and several have been in your shoes.<P>Best wishes as you begin this journey... <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

If you have faith in God, pray for your marriage and for your wife. I have prayed on an almost daily basis to see my H through God's eyes and my love for him has grown much stronger. <P>After H's A, I did sort of a plan A, but I didn't know about this site yet. Everytime I would do something extra special for him, I felt more love toward him. And it helped him see how special I was too. It wasn't big things, just draw a bath for him, tell him how much I appreciate him and why, fix his favorite meals, things like that.<P>Does your W want to make your marriage better too? If so, print the Emotional Needs and the Love Buster's questionares from this site (I don't know how to get it to show here) and work on them together. Just knowing (and it may surprize you), can help alot in where to begin.<p>[This message has been edited by very hurt (edited May 12, 2001).]

Sorry I'm late getting back,forgot how I got here.I'm a veteran of 3 whole emails,and use hunt and peck. Thank you all for your advice and welcome.I have read much of the info on the MB site.I even got my wife to read it also,but she said it was great stuff to bad it was too late.Now for some history on us. We've been married for 17 yrs. and lived together for a yr. befor that,we have 2 kids,son 9 and daut. 11.For the last 13 yrs. we have lived on our ranch where my wife raises horses and I commuted 100 mi each way to work,this took a lot out of us both.She was kind of isolated and I was alwas gone.We had some fights but what she didn't like was my drinking,I quit several times always to start again a few mo. later.We started to drift apart and I didn't see it happening.We had more fights about money and had a few slim years.I'm an electrician and also a foreman,a lot of stress.We were pushing a stud horse in a partnership when I was doing a job out of town,I stayed there all week and came home on weekends,when I had my A .The OW was a friend I had done some work for,and on my way home I stoped to check the job and say hi,Big mistake.OW was waiting with a cold 6 pack a hot body,I was daed meat.Afterwards I freeked big time,my first wife cheated on me and it killed me,I still don't know why I did it.I broke off all contact and told her not to ever say word to anyone.Mistake #2.when confronted by my wife i denied it.Mistake #3.Five yrs go by and I think things are getting better between us.Little did I know that her new toy,a PC,was taking her out of the house and right to her new boyfriend.My has always been heavy and has been fighting that problem for most of her life.I have always loved and suported her in her fight.In the last yr. she found the ans. and lost almost 200#,her dad paid for her to have a total face,body lift and boob job.She looks drop dead georgeus,and said I need to see if this new body works,she wanted a 25 yr. old cowboy.I thought she was kidding,She's 46 I'm 51.She went on a vacation to get away from the ranch for 10 days,She said to see friends and see some horses.She called in every night to let us know she was alright.A week after she got home she took our daut. to a horse show for the weekend.I found a hotel recpt. with OM's name and my address.I asked hewr about it and she said yes it was her boyfriend and she hsd slept with him the whole 10 days,she had meet him playing spades on the net,and had fallen in love with him.This had been going on for 2 yrs.I was crushed but knew I loved her more than anything.She had to go to the same state where he lives to take care of an old horse deal with an old cust. of ours,so she said.I knew she would see him at some point in her trip,so I confessed all my sins to her on the way to the airport and beged her tell him he had to go and that I loved her and our kids.Well she spent the whole time there with him and never even called about the horse deal.He was showing her around his part of the country.When she got home we had a long talk about how it all happened.This was at easter and we have had a rough time ever since.She dosen't want to give him up.She sayes she dosen't want to go through life mirisable,when she might be happy with him.I told her I was sorry for all the things I had done but we needed help not to seprate.I'm working on plan A and trying to make lots of deposites in her love bank,but I don't how well I'm doing.She has been able to talk every few days but some times has outburst's.I think I'll just stick to the plan and take it day by day.Thanks for the help I've got to go feed horses.

I think you're right to go with plan A for now - but I've been told to put a time limit on it of about 6 months and to re-assess the situation then. You can then decide to go with Plan A for a bit longer, or go to Plan B. <P>Plan A is horrendously hard to do - that's why Dr. Harley recommends going onto anti-depressants. It's all give, give, give - quite often without any sort of positive feedback from your WS at all. Also, it's difficult if you don't know which of your partners 'needs' you need to be working on. This forum is so valuable, because you can come here to vent, rage, cry and try to regain your hope when you think you've lost it. I have been married for 17 years too, with 2 daughters and everyone, including me thought I had the most fabulous marriage in the world - but not my husband unfortunately. Dealing with the shock of having your entire world, your dreams and hopes for the future completely shattered is so hard. I look at it this way - if my husband had been involved in an accident and was in a coma for 6 months, or even a year, would I wait for him? Of course I would, no question about it - so that's how I'm treating his affair - as if he's in a 'coma' but the Doctors say he WILL come out of it in time. That's how I cope.<P>Best of luck<BR>Paint

So far you guys are right on.Sunday was very depresing,Mothersday,she told me my constant telling her I love her was realy bugging her and that she "dreded"me coming into the room.I backed off immeaditly and went to the barn to do some clean=up fix=up so her barn would nice.The afternoon was prety rough I wanted to talk to her but kept my distance,got real depressed and started into uncontroled crying.Got through that by bedtime and thanked her for a nice dinner,went to sleep. Woke up to you guys and today looks better.Thank you ,Paintbox that's a real good way to look at the whole thing,after all not knowing is not knowing.Weather ita a broken heart or a broken mind,broke is broke lets fix it.Back to plan"A". THANKS AGAIN NTK