My husband has told me several times that it is "different" for a man to be the BS... that men are "expected" in society to cheat.. and that women just don't do that. He says, right or wrong, that it's a large part of the reason he's having so much trouble getting past it. He says I've greatly damaged his ego and embarrased him. WHY is it different??? Women don't have the same feelings? I think that is an excuse.. Any thoughts?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He says I've greatly damaged his ego and embarrased him.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's certainly true. Infidelity will do that to someone. But I'd ask your husband if he had an affair---wouldn't he expect you to feel the same way?<P>It may be more difficult for your husband to get past this (due to pride/ego). What's important is that he does get past it, in a way that builds the marriage instead of tearing it down. And men aren't "expected" to cheat---they just do, and "expect" to get away with it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by K:<BR> And men aren't "expected" to cheat---they just do, and "expect" to get away with it.[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>HAHA!! I got a good chuckle out of that K! I giggled outloud, and my H happened to hear it (he's here visiting the kids)... and wanted to know what was so funny. So I told him. He didn't laugh. He STILL doesn't get it! augh!!!<P>Karen<BR>

Well i think it is because society has labeled men and unfeeling and having no emotions. Which sometimes it does seem like that it true. My opinion(just that MY opinion) is that when a man is cheated on he tend to view is as a loss to someone else. Kind of like a competition.<BR>I think most women tend to be more upset cause they will not be with the person anymore, not so much that he will be with someone else.<BR>A man may say "I cant stand that SHE is with HIM"<P>A woman may say "I cant stand that HE is not with me anymore"<P>Though there are exceptions to every rule. I think guys tend to get their ego brusied easier then women do.<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

I'm a husband and BS. This is my first post ever. I have been lingering for a couple of months - since my world turned upside down. I have some thoughts on the thread here. Human beings have such wonderfully rational minds that I feel we sometimes forget that there are drives and instincts at work as well. The act of infidelity being more hurtful to men may have something to do with the reality that paternity is never certain in procreation and maternity always is. Face it, life stripped of all but the biology, gives us one purpose and one purpose only: spread the genes. I hope this arguement does at some level offer an explanation. I'm not trying to offend anyone with a lack of political correctness. And I certainly do not feel that my opinion should be taken as gospel truth. I am still at the "which way is up" stage. Thank you.

I'm BS. I'm a man.<P>It's not that women are somehow less honorable. In his mind he has a fantasy woman who "just doesn't do that." I have given up the fantasy and some of my romantic nature. That is perhaps the greater tragedy in all this. Cinderella never acted this way. Of course she wasn't real. She married some rich guy after one date?!<P>I have a lot of experience resisting the advances of women since about the age of 22. My own experience tells me that your H is exactly right. I would LOVE to sit and have a few beers with him. I am in exactly the same spot. I am not your typically proud man. You would not believe the reactions from our neighbors. The snide insinuations that are just deniable enough, that I cannot address them. They burn me. They burn my wife.(WS)<P>I now have so called friends and neighbor ladies hitting on me. }}}}}}}}}DISGUSTING{{{{{{{{{{ They know the situation and they expect me to retaliate on my Wife by cheating too. As if I didn't know how hurtful a thing it is to be cheated on. I also have friends that push me in that direction. Am I the only man in the World with sense? Most people think I'm gut'less for not retaliating somehow. How ridiculous!!! <P>EGO<BR>***<BR>My ego has taken an inter-continental ballistic thermo-nuclear strike to the command center console. In other words.......OUCH!<P>I think men have a harder time getting over it because culturally and naturalistically males are expected to control women. Yes, this is not the right frame of mind. Society and nature place us in a controlling role, because we are men and husbands. I like to cite works of popular culture because they can help us look at our culture objectively. Nursery rhymes were originally written with a grain of truth or wisdom of the day and age they were written in. Nursery rhymes can be a snapshot of where we came from.<P>Here's an example from our past:<P>"Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater. Had a Wife and couldn't keep her. He put her in a pumpkin shell, and there he kept her very well."<P>Is Peter(BS) supposed to lock his Wife(WS) up and control her every move? That is the pressure in the undercurrent of todays society. In "olden days" a man would lock his wife away. Today men may try to control their wives with retaliation and even abuse in severe cases.<P>Your husband is not making an excuse. He is trying to tell you what he is going through. Help him rebuild his ego. He is a good man. He stayed with you, and that took GREAT courage. (I hope that didn't sting. Sorry if it did.)<P>May we all give over our spirit to the Holy spirit.<BR>Gods will be done,<BR>Invictus

I tend to agree with bioman. I am upset that I may never be with my wife again, but it makes me sick to my stomach that I have "lost" to another man.<P>dave<BR>(S&C)

My husband also said that he didn't want anyone to know because he felt 'embarrassed'. I didn't really understand that at the time. Why in the world would HE be embarrassed? I was the one who cheated and should be embarrassed and ashamed? But I guess he did feel in a way like he 'lost' to someone else. If the shoe were on the other foot, I don't think I would necessarily feel embarrassed. Angry, hurt and victimized, but certainly not embarrassed.

My wife also had an affair and I did not want any body to know because it does embarrass me that another man has been with my wife.It must be the male ego. I have since gotten over the anger but I doubt I will every get over the embarrassment.

Invictus... I know what you're saying.. and what you said got me to where I went! My husband was very "Controlling".. not to the point of finances, where I went, etc... but.. he tried to control my personality, the way I was, the way I did thing, etc. He's very Type A, and I'm a C. We have two small children and I carry the load, no doubt. (He's better now).. he criticized me for not be outgoing enough, for not praising him enough, for not being "loving" enough, for not keeping the house clean enough.. he liked to pick out what I wore (had to be on the sexy side), - everything was always my fault.. it got worse and worse over 12 years- he'd reduce me to tears and not care because "I wasn't trying to 'correct' anything". I could never please him, say the right things, you name it. That's how I got to the A.. unjudged, accepted, - he didn't care how I looked, just about me and my thoughts.. and that mattered so much to me. I knew my husband would find out, and he did.. and I do love him more than anything in the world. He's a good person, but he is selfish. Our counselor said he was emotionally abusive. He agreed, but had a hard time with that on top of the A... and quit going. It's been five months, and he says he thinks about it every day.. he really needs his ego boosted (he claims I don't do with him what I did with the OM, that I'm not trying hard enough) It's hard. I'm mixed up emotionally too.. I was a basketcase before the A.. very depressed. I regret sooo much how much I hurt him, and wish that I had handled it differently, but I didn't. I can't change it.. and I refuse to accept that I must be forever condemned and he forever in pain.

Here is another observation, and I maybe going out on a limb here. Most men, from what i have observed, have an ego problem with the lost of their spouse or girlfriend cause they dont like the thought of another man pleasing their wife or girlfriend.<BR>I think women tend to look at it more like....they dont want their husbands or boyfriend loving or having a better time with another woman.<BR>I know that it KILLS me to think that another man would have sex with my wife and she would think that he is better than I am. Yes it is stupid to think that, but i cant get it out of my head. And i have talked to other guys that feel the same way.<BR>I know that I am making a bad generalization.<BR>Are there anyone women on here that are upset about the fact their husband are having a better time in bed with the OW. or are you more upset that he maybe loving her more or just having a better time with her in general?<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Leighann:<BR><B>My husband has told me several times that it is "different" for a man to be the BS... that men are "expected" in society to cheat.. and that women just don't do that.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would agree with your husband. There is an expectation that men will cheat, hence the "ALL MEN ARE DOGS" statement that is so common to hear. I have had this discussion with groups of friends(men&women), and if a man states that he hasn't cheated on his wife, he either gets looks or outright statements that say "Yeah, Right!" from the women in the group. I also agree with the statement that says that the prevailing thought is that women don't cheat, and that if they do, it's because of something that the man has or hasn't done. <P>Whether it is based in reality or fantasy, a lot of men, if not most, fall in love and marry a woman that in their eyes are "DIFFERENT" from other women. They either consciously or subconsiously put her on a pedestal, often on a pedestal so high that she can't possibly live up to those standards. <P>Leighann, I have read several of your posts and it seems you are having a very difficult time understanding what your husband is going through. Your husband more than likely had you placed very high on a pedestal, he viewed you as being differently from ALL the other women out here in the world, you would never, ever cheat on him. He figured that if you had a problem with the marriage, you would come to him and the two of you would fix it, another man probably never crossed his mind. Well, that picture has been destroyed, your husband has been devestated, his world has been turned upside down, everything that he held to be true is now up for questioning. <P>No matter how tough and manly a man may act or behave, the male ego is extremely fragile, there is nothing more damaging to the male ego than to have his significant other sleep with another man. Whether it be right or wrong, many, many men tie their manhood in with sexual performance. If you are having sex with another man, you are in essence telling the male ego that he wasn't good enough sexually, i.e., he wasn't man enough.<P>If I remember correctly from another thread, you stated that you have been in recovery for 6 months and that your counselor has stated that this is too long for him to be behaving like he has been............I totally disagree, once the male ego has been damaged, it is going to take longer than six months to heal. While I don't condone you being abused, you should expect your husband to feel anger, pain, as well as fear. How the two of you together dealing with those feelings will determine how long it takes for him to heal. <P>

I'm a male BS and I am not embarassed. Depressed, traumatized, devastated - yes, but not embarassed.<P>Why?<P>Maybe because I know OM and he is a complete idiot who does not threaten my "manliness." Maybe because my pride in caring for my wife, being willing to rebuild our marriage, and behaving intelligently and maturely is the noble, civilized, "real man" thing to do.<P>For K:<P>You wrote: And men aren't "expected" to cheat---they just do, and "expect" to get away with it.<P>I'd argue that ALL cheaters expect to get away with it.<P>WAT

Dave:<P>FWIW, I agree entirely---there's no gender difference when it comes to affairs on this point.

Most of what the men are saying is what my husband has said.. he never dreamed I would do that.. I didn't either!!! To put a twist on it, he said that if it had been strictly sexual (and an encounter or two), he could have handled that.. it's the emotional tie I had with the OM.. We actually slept together only once over the entire five months. The majority of our contact was email and phone calls. The sexual part was never an issue.. the emotional part is what hurts him so much.. and the emotional part is what I needed. We are working on it... It kills me to see his pain.. and it's hard for me to work as hard as I know I need to, because I haven't gotten past the pain that I was in for ten years. I can deal with it, and I can forgive it.. I just hope he can forgive me.

I really disagree that women are not embarrased by their husbands infidelity. I have felt utterly humiliated when I find out that yet another person I barely know knows about my husbands affair. Worse yet, some people that saw him with her more than me have assumed I am just his new girlfriend and not his wife of over 8 years. Now that is embarrasing.<P>Male egos are more delicate on some men than on others, but the female ego is definitely alive and kicking too, just not as acknowledged because we are supposed to be nurturing and thinking of others so we don't get so self centered and prideful in general.<P>Remember though Leighann, that when confronted with facing up to having done something wrong that is where the female pride generally kicks in. Don't let your need to be right stop you from being just as humble, patient and loving towards him as you would want him to be if he ever did this to you. <P>And if he is still verbally abusing you, that has got to stop, no one should have to live like that, that calls for Plan B in my book if he won't stop or go to counseling for that. But it is NOT an excuse for your actions in having an affair, you have to own that mistake and not justify it if you ever want to work it out.<BR>

I agree totally with FA.<P>It sounds like your counselor is a little off. There really isn't a standard time line for recovery. We are at 3 months since D-day. Some areas are doing better than others. Some people from the boards, at 2 years from D-day, have some areas are still very very weak compared to ours. Other people are doing much better. Find your own path.<P>Maybe a new counselor would give your H a chance to get back into therapy???<P>Gods Love on loan<BR>Invictus

I think the answer lies in a couple of different areas.<P>As stated above, many men are threatened by the thought that another man could please their woman, sexually or otherwise. I won't go into all the nature vs. nurture stuff.<P>Men often get their sense of self-worth by being the provider. So, when wifey leaves, they may think that others are looking at them as a bad provider.<P>IMHO, the other issue has to do with women and our cultural expectations of them.<P>Women are not supposed to leave their husbands and families. It is just not done (supposedly). So the thought is that if wifey left, you must have done something horrible to make them leave. We can see this in many areas. <P><B>(Warning, politically incorrect statement coming here)</B><P>For example,the current hysteria over domestic violence. All a woman has to do is accuse the man of yelling at her and he can be put out of the house, lose his job, lose custody and visitation rights to his children, and be jailed. The man is guilty until proven innocent.<P>This is not meant to minimize domestic violence or say that it never happens, but there have been many documented cases where women have been counseled to accuse the man of DV to either get him out of the house or ensure that she maintains custody of the children.<P>Anyway, better stop before I get on a rant here. That is my $.02.<P>

Well, I don't think this reaction is just a male reaction. In March I found out that over the last two years my husband has been having affairs with about 10 women that he met on the internet. During that time we were engaged 3/99 and then married in 6/2000. How do I feel? I feel embarassed, humiliated, degraded, etc., etc. To date I have told only one person - one of my sisters whose husband cheated on her. I cannot bring myself to tell friends or any other family members. I am seeing a counselor so she knows too. <P>People tend to think that men's ego's are more fragile then women's egos. I do not necessarily believe that to be true. Women are taught to stuff their feelings and their egos. We are taught that when a man cheats on us that we have to "make the marriage work". Men are taught to throw the "b" out. In most states it used to be legal for a man to shoot his wife and lover if he caught them. It was a crime of passion. A woman just had to "put up with it". <P>Believe me, women are devistated but their spouses infidelity every bit as much as men are. We just show it differently. <P>The comment was made that men do not like to loose to other men. And men do not like the idea that their wife is being pleased by another man. Just replace the terms "men, man and wife" in those sentences with the opposite gender words and it holds too.<P>We break just as easily as men do. infidelity is devistating for both men and women. Neither gender has a monopoly on the pain, embarrassment and humiliation they experience.<P>E

grandpabri,<P>I don't think that that is necessarily true that men get a sense of self-worth from being a good provider. I think not having to support their families anymore is a primary motivator behind leaving for a lot of men. Once they leave, even if they have to pay child support, it is a fixed amount that doesn't go up when their children suddenly need something or start eating you out of house and home. And it is never more than a relatively small percentage of their income, and if they lose their job, their child support goes down.<P>One of my H's complaints after he left was that I had not gone back to work after our sixth child was "older" - she has serious special needs and was barely 3 when he left. <P>He has been unemployed for over a year. It was no coincidence that the OW is rich and can support him. He never has to work full-time again if he doesn't want to. <P>I think he was always resentful that he brought in more than half the income but had to "share" it with me.