I had an A & for a few months after D-day, things with my H were better than ever. However, suddenly he withdrew and couldn't stand to be around me. I soon found out he was having an A. March was horrible - he only spent the night at home twice, avoided me at all costs, & was mean. All he talked about was divorce. In April he spent more time at home, we ate dinner together more often, and generally got along. He said he loved me several times, and started hugging me back when I would hug him. I thought things were getting better.<P>In May he hasn't spent much time at home, but when he is home, he seems to be more affectionate. Still no sex, but he initiates cuddling. He finally agreed to a weekend getaway just the 2 of us (I've mentioned it many times before, but he recently brought it up & thought it was a good idea) but I can't pin him down on a date. He did say he tried to file for divorce in March, but couldn't do it. I saw this as a very good sign. I've been plan A'ing for a few months & think it's working, but I'm always on the edge of my seat - terrified he'll decide he doesn't want to be with me anymore.<P>Had a major emotional breakdown the other night when I said I wished he'd stay at home. He said he wants to, he doesn't want to keep leaving, but he doesn't feel right. As soon as he left, I lost it. I woke up the next morning with huge red splotches above and below my eyes from broken blood vessels from crying so much.<P>He has a softball game tonight. I want to go, but if I ask, he'll say no because he plays better when I'm not there. I'm thinking about showing up & watching from afar, but I'm so afraid she'll be there.<P>I'm willing to continue my Plan A and be there for him in every way. Just wanted some advice on whether it seems like we're actually making progress, or if I should implement Plan B.<P>Thanks!

Berry,<P>It sounds like you're making progress. I would NOT go to the ballgame---if she is there, it's only going to make you lose a bit more love for your husband, and that's not what you want to do to yourself.<P>Give yourself another couple of months, if you can handle it. Are you using any antidepressants? They can help smooth out some of the swings in emotions, if you're having lots of them.

Berry - I agree with K. Also, are you two in counseling? Did he Plan A you? <P>Not that two wrongs make a right, but you both having been WSs should give you insight to what the other is feeling. Keep doing what you're doing. IMHO, You're no where close to Plan B.<P>WAT

Berry, It sounds like you do make progress!<BR>I am in the same situation like you and understand the feeling you have. Sometimes I feel there is hope and there is progress, but sometimes I feel that's just the false hope and I am just wasting my time. I also in the deep fear that my WH is going to fill for a D without telling me in advance. But there is only one thing we can do for now - plan-A. I am still live in fear daily, but I try to do my best to be there for him when he comes home and try to be prepared if the papper did come.<BR>DO NOT go to the game. It also happen to me( but it's a pool game instead). My WH did let me go with him that day after I keep asking him to let me go. The OW called him on the cell and what happend is that he did tell her she can meet him in that place before he agreed to let me go with him. So, I am the unexpected. She got sooo upset and all my H trying to do than was getting me home right away and went to her place to comfort her.<BR>And that's the night it went so bad, I had to agree on a divorce. Although my H did not follow it through, but I have to rebuilt my plan-A from ground zero.<BR>Mybe you can call him to wish him good luck before the game or call after the game and asking him how it went. Just to let him know you care!<P>TTL2

Thanks for the responses.<P>K-I am having lots of ups and downs lately. When I first found out about his A, I couldn't eat or sleep & was constantly depressed. My Dr. prescribed Ativan, but I try not to take it too often. Now that things seem to be improving, my emotions have become more eratic - I can be very happy, but the lows seem to be lower. In the last week & a half, I've had 2 breakdowns.<P>Worthatry-I'm going to counseling, but he won't go. I'm not sure how I like it, she tells me that things can't change until he stops seeing OW & I should kick him out. I can't do that. I love him very much & realize how much I've hurt him. I don't blame him for his revenge A. That doesn't mean I like it though.<P>In the beginning, he Plan A'd me. That, plus my guilt brought me back completely & now love him more than ever. But he got frustrated when his confusion & anger didn't pass as quickly as he thought they should. It was then I believe that he started his A.<P>TTL2-I often wonder if we really are recovering or if it's all false hope. I'm almost 32, we have no children, but I would like to some day. I fear that if I continue trying to make my marriage work & he decides it's not what he wants, it may be too late for me to have kids. I don't want to give up, we've been together almost 13 years (since we were 18)& I can't imagine life without him. Our H's sound very similar. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm glad he didn't follow through with your D.<P>You all gave great advice & I will not go to the game tonight.<P>I often struggle with the fact though, that he spends a lot of weekend days and many weeknights with her, then comes home to me for food, clean clothes, complain about his busy day, etc. It seems that he has the best of both worlds, someone to take care of his everyday needs (me), and someone to fulfill his sexual needs (her). Will he want to give that up?

Berry - don't go on and off that ativan. This could be contributing to your mood swings. Ask your doc - I was told it's best to come off slowly. What's your Rx? At the height of my depression I was on 1 mg morning and night plus zoloft. When I started off ativan recently, I was told to decrease it 1/2 mg every two weeks.<P>DO NOT kick him out. Who will he run to? Consider getting another opinion from the Harleys.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited May 11, 2001).]

Berry, <BR>It's kind of funny our thought are so similar. I am almost 32 also and would like have kids(but my WH do not want one, but he did told me that he can see having kids with her though - that really hurt!).<BR>I kind of tell myself to give us an year. If the things still not go well then, I will go without any regrets. I think an year will not really make me become a old witch. For 13 years relationship, the 365 days of effort worth every min..<BR>(by the way we are together 7 and married for 5)<BR>Good luck for both of us.

WAT - My Ativan prescription is 1/2 mg twice daily. I only take it when I'm having a REALLY bad night, but not if it's too late because it makes me tired. The other night my H didn't leave until about 10:00 p.m., so when I broke down I felt I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning if I took it, so I struggled with the pain on my own.<P>You're right, I should take it as prescribed. Maybe that way my H's moods won't influence mine so much. I'm glad to hear things are going well enough for you that you're decreasing your Ativan Rx. Keep up the good work.<P>TTL2 - Good point, 365 days is not too long considering how long we've been together. I hope all works out well for you. Good luck.<P>I think he'd see things more clearly & realize how much I love him & how much he's hurting me if OW and beer weren't in the picture. I know I can't make him give up either, he has to do that on his own. I guess all I can do now is continue with Plan A.

Berry:<P>Ativan is a benzodiazepine used for insomina. It can increase depression.<P>I would suggest that you go back to your doctor and tell him about your erratic mood swings. My suggestion would be for an SSRI antidepressant (or related), and a script of Ambien (a imidazopyridine-family sleep aid). Please discuss this with your doctor (and I'm not a MD or PharmD---so take this advice with a grain of salt).

Darn - one more time I'm agreeing with K. Ativan is not an anti-depressant, based on what I know. Ask about paxil or zoloft. I used ambien early on and it works REALLY good for insomnia, but not for too long. As with K, I am not a doc or alchemist; get real advice.<P>WAT