Well, I haven't posted in a couple of weeks now. When I found this out (March13th) my husband was out of town on a project. The OW lives here but he had flown her up there. He is back now and we are in counseling. He says he<BR> wants us to work this all out but he keeps saying that he thinks he has messed things up too much. I have found out more details - found out she is a stripper! Is he nuts??? He has told the counselor that she really cares for him.<BR> He said he doesn't care for her but I saw all the phone calls and the trip he paid for her to come out of town with him. How am I suppose to believe him now when he has lied over and over again since I found out 2 months ago. I have no idea if he is now telling the truth. Sometimes I think he is and sometimes I think he isn't. The counselor said I am not giving him a chance now. Does he deserve one? I can't stop crying, thinking about all this,wondering about the details and why he would do this. It is driving me nuts<BR> and I am miserable. Tomorrow is my 30th birthday and he has planned a big dinner with all our friends and family and I don't even feel like going and trying to look happy. Some know, some don't..... It's a bad day..... I want all this to work out so bad and sometimes I think he does too but I don't believe anything he does or says. How does anyone ever get past these things and live a happy life again????????????

ap,<P>Hon, this is very typical behavior on your H's part. Have you read Harley's "Surviving an Affair?" If you have not, I highly recommend that you do so, because it will give you a lot of insight as to why these things don't just end. Frank Pittman's "Private Lies" also offers a more clinical approach as to why the EMR doesn't end right away after the BS finds out. According to Harley, most EMRs die slow, painful, natural deaths after the spouse discovers the EMR. According to Harley, most of them don't last more than six months after they are revealed. Of course, this is the worst thing that can happen to a marriage, for a BS discover the EMR and the WS continues with the EMR. I busted my H contacting the XOW several times after I initially found out about them, I can't even count the number of times he spoke to her or saw her behind my back. As far as I was concerned, it was no contact or no marriage, and I'm sure that you feel the same way. Unfortunately, it seems as though your H is not one of those who will let go of the EMR easily.<P>Is he amenable to couples counseling or reading Harley's book? If he is open to these things, please, I beg you - take advantage of any olive branch he extends your way. You won't regret it. <P>In the meantime, maybe you'd feel more comfortable with a smaller birthday dinner, with just you and your H. Under the circumstances, it might alleviate a lot of stress on you. You can always celebrate your 30th birthday in a few months, belatedly.<P>((hugs))<P>belld

Give it time. I know it sounds and feels empty to hear that early on, but do your best to let those feelings slide and come in here to talk about them when they get too bad. It really does get better with time, and if your counselor says you're not giving him a chance now, consider for a moment that could be right and let it slide a while. See how you feel next week, then the week after. Let it slide a while, don't give up. You can make a decision more clearly when you get a little further from the raw pain and fear. Give it a few months at least before you go trying to make any big decisions that will be permanent if possible. Your reactions are definitely normal and very understood by many people here.<P>Think about this, trust is really how you feel about your ability to cope with whatever your spouse may do. You don't have your feet on the ground enough yet to trust him yet, that will take time and I doubt it will ever be blind trust again, but you can get through this. Keep your chin up, and pray, alot, and above all give it a chance. Let it slide a while! We'll all be ok again someday, I have faith in that again, and it did take a while to get there, believe me. If there ever is one thing in life we can count on it is that the future will never be the same as today, there is always change and growth. <BR>

ap - your feelings are normal. You feel like your world has collapsed. Nothing makes sense.<P>Have you seen a doc about depression? Please consider it if you haven't. The anti-depression meds work great for most people.<P>How can you believe him? You shouldn't right now, but don't challenge him. It'll just be a love buster and he might be telling the truth.<P>Is he nuts? Yep, or at least he was. Think of it as temporary insanity. Some of us joke of alien abductions or moose brain worms, but it's all the same - shear irrationality.<P>All this and turning 30, too? <P>Have you read all the info on this site? Read Surviving An Affair? Learned about Plan A?<P>Try to go to your party. Enjoy your family and make him see how valuable they are. In the end, there's no way he's gonna leave you for a stripper.<P>Consider a counseling session with the Harleys. Describe what your current counselor has suggested. It'll be a second opinion, at least, and maybe some new ideas.<P>Come back here more frequently than every couple of weeks. How can we help you, otherwise?<P>WAT

Thank you all so much. It makes me feel so much better to hear your advice. I feel so weak and insecure and it makes me so mad that he has done this to me and to our marriage. I get so mad but then walk on eggshells so not to make things worse. He is agreeable to counseling and we are going together each week. He has been agreeable since I found out and was coming home on the weekends and going on Saturdays. I thought this was a good sign and then found out he was still talking to her as of a month ago and who knows what else. I have no idea what the situation is now. He has told me he has broken it off and that she has called a couple of times. How can I believe him when he has told me this before. I guess, like you all say, time will be the only thing to get us through this..... I will keep posting and reading and am thinking seriously about the phone counseling you suggested. He cries all the time and says he is so disappointed in himself but then also gets angry and says this will never work out. His big thing is that he says our marriage was lacking intimacy. I agree with him but that is something I can work on but now with all this that is lacking more than ever before. The fact that she is a stripper - I can't decide if this makes me feel better or worse. It some ways better because this is SO not his type and SO different from me. But then that is what he chose. Then I get wrapped up in thinking I dress too homely, don't like to dance, too quite,etc. - basically the "girl next door" and now he wants a and slept with a stripper. Anyway, got off track here..... THANKS AGAIN....

adviceplease,<P>Happy Birthday! (I'm late, but I mean well...)<P>How did the day go?<P>As everyone has said, the feelings you are experiencing are quite normal for someone who has just found out about an affair. And finding out that it's not quite all over (at least maybe) is a problem in and of itself.<P>Hang in there and focus on taking care of yourself for a little while. You are feeling all sorts of emotions that aren't too pleasant. Think about the person you would like to be and focus on that.<P>Your marriage can work out. But you have to feel good about yourself first.<P>All the best.<BR>--HBC