For women WS...<P>If you returned or wanted to return to your spouse following the A, what brought you back? <P>What changes did you notice in your spouse that helped you decide to return?<P>If you didn't return or didn't want to return after the A, why not?

Elad, <P>My H found out about my A from OM's W. Although no excuse, I felt my H enjoyed spending time with his friends & beer more than with me. It wasn't until D-day when, through tears, he said he loved me so much he would die for me. He also said that despite the hurt & anger, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me & grow old together. It finally hit me that he really did love me. I couldn't believe what I had done, and from that day on I have done everything in my power to show him how much I love him, how sorry I am for how much I hurt him and us, and how I want us to be together forever.<P>In short, I guess it was his expression of love to me that brought me back to my senses. I honestly didn't know he felt that way. I have now learned that communication is the key to a happy marriage.<P>Hope this helps.<p>[This message has been edited by Berry (edited May 11, 2001).]

I was caught. I didn't confess. My husband found out everything. I wish I would have. Maybe it would be easier now. I am sure it would have been.<P>What made me realize that I wanted my husband..<P>I realize that I had everything that I always wanted, but never could see it. I always found fault with everyone, and everything. I realized that he made me happy, that I loved him and my life with him. That I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday for the rest of my life.<P>I hope he forgives me..... <BR>PJ

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Elad:<BR><B>For women WS...<P>If you returned or wanted to return to your spouse following the A, what brought you back? <P>What changes did you notice in your spouse that helped you decide to return?<P>If you didn't return or didn't want to return after the A, why not?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What brought me back was the fact that my husband was more independent and I saw him going on with his life, without me. It seems like I was taking for granted what I had and this somewhat shocked me back into reality.<P>The changes I noticed were more along the lines of him not being as clingy as he was before. We were both getting along much better as well and were becoming friends, there was no pressure on either side, it was very relaxed. Somewhat like it was when we were dating. I found that being with him was fun again, and he has the same opinion.<BR> <BR>

I will try to respond to your questions even though my situation is a bit different. Fist, I have not informed my husband of my affair becuse I don't want to hurt him. I realize that I should have thought of that several years ago. Secondly, the affair was short lived (8 months) and has been over for some time. It was agreed upon by both of us(my former lover and myself) that we would never tell either of our spouses.<P>My affair was stupid, as we all know. I love my spouse and we plan on growing old together. As a mate and parent, I couldn't ask for more and does not deserve to feel the pain and hurt that would come with the knowledge of my affair.<P>The reasons the affair ended are varried - but we both acknowledged that we would get caught sooner or later since we work together(still do). It hasn't been easy but with determination and committment we are making it work. There are times when it helps to talk to each other.

Elad,<P>I didn't want to return to my H at first. I just figured the changes he was making would be short lived as always and that in the end I would be hurt more than before. The OM was meeting all my EN's at the time. When my H asked me if I was having an A, I emotionlessly answered yes and even watched him crumble to the floor without shedding one tear for his pain. That is how far in the fog I was at the time.<P>Since this happened in Novemeber a few weeks before Thanksgiving, we both decided that I should just stya home until after Christmas and maintain a normal life as best we could.<BR>I watched my H like a hawk to see if the changes I could see in him would last. He was more considerate about everything around the house. He helped out all the time whereas before he rarely helped. He was so kind to me.<BR>He never put me on the spot even when he knew I would be seeing the OM. Now I realize how hard all that was for him,<BR>but at the time, I felt I just "needed by space."<P>As soon as Christmas as over and the first of the year came,<BR>I moved in with the OM. When I left home, my H didn't show me any tears, he just told me to be happy no matter where it was. I will never forget that. Even in all that he had my best interest at heart.<BR>I stayed gone only 6 days when I knew I had to go home.<BR>I am a Christian and I thought that I could convince God and myself that this OM was what I needed in my life. <BR>But I knew that God never gives his approval to sin. Sin of any kind. <BR>Why I am still here? My husband is a man of God all the way thru. He has changed so that all he use to talk about in his faith he now lives out. He loves me totally and completely. He has forgiven me 100% and more. And thru all my fog, he told me over and over to only seek God's will for my life and then to have to courage to follow it.<BR>And the one thing my husband has done that showed me how much he cared was to come to my work every day and put a loving card or message in my car for me to find after work.<BR>He has done this since November without fail.<P>I am truly blessed and so very grateful for his love and his unfailing belief that we would and could make our marriage work. He read His Needs/ Her Needs and then found out what my EN's were and has been meeting them ever since.<BR>I found out his and strive to meet his. We know that together we can make a full recovery and our marriage will be stronger and better than ever before. So far it is.<P>dlm<BR>(debbie)

Elad -<P>I confessed everything to my H, told him that I loved him, that I was committed to trying to make our marriage work. I didn't know if he would be mad, get angry, get upset, throw me out. I felt miserable during the affair - knowing that what I was doing was wrong, and I guess that led me to confess everything to him.<P>My H did a number of things - even though I confessed - that went "above and beyond" the call of duty. When I confessed everything to him, he didn't get mad. He was upset, but immediately gave me the forgiveness I was looking for. He didn't ask a lot of questions about the affair, didn't want to know what happened, when, where or with whom. He simply forgave me and began to focus - not on the affair, but on us - what happened that could have led up to this and what we can do to make things better. He always focused on the big picture.<P>All through recovery, my H totally supported me and while he may not have understood what I was going through (withdrawl, severse remorse, guilt, depression) he tried to understand - and that made a difference. My H, too, kept reinforcing how much he loved me - even though I was an emotional basket-case and didn't really do anything to meet his needs until about 6 months into recovery. He was a friend, my best friend first and husband second - which helped me be open and honest with him about my feelings. He created an environment where I felt safe telling him anything and talking through our problems. He never judged me, or berrated me - he always tried to understand and that helped more than anything, really.<P>At the very beginning, even though he was completely and totally awesome, I still had my doubts about us - whether we were "meant to be together." And he was so patient with me. He really put up with a very selfish person for a while. My, H, too, told me how much he still loved me and how much he wanted to grow old with me. In fact, about a week after my confession, my H gave me a card, it said<P>"I made of list of the top 100 things I like to do with you" and then when you open the card it said "1) kiss and hug and stuff; and 2) repeat 99 times." Only my husband crossed out repeat 99 times and wrote repeat 98 times and wrote in 3) grow old with you. That was amazing to me, and still makes me cry when I write it. Despite the horrible thing that I had done, my H still loved me for who I am - not for what I did. And that's all I ever wanted in the first place.<P>My H was always an amazing person before the A, but I was the one who had very low-self esteem. I never thought that I was a priority with my H, I never thought that I came first over family, friends, work. And, after the confession, my H really - not changed, but kind of saw that I had some internal issues that I needed to confront - but that he could also help support me. For a long time, I never really thought that I mattered. In fact, one time, during the EA - just before my EA went to a PA - I asked my H "What would you do if I had an affair?" And he jokingly said "If that's what it took to keep you, go ahead." At the time, my H was joking, but I was already deep involved in the A. And, I took that one statement, totally out of context, and thought well, if he doesn't care why should I. Within about a month the EA escalated to a PA.<P>If my H would have said "Affair, no way, I'd leave you so fast you're head would spin." I know it sounds warped, but in a way, well, to me it would mean that he really didn't want to share me with anyone else, that he would be taking a stand for what he believed in. I'm glad he didn't kick me to the doorstop, but I think I needed him to say that he only wanted to be with me, and that he didn't want to share me.<P>Later on, after I confessed, I was having trouble maintaining no contact. I did it, but it was hard at the beginning. Anyway, I told my H that I just wanted to call the OM - just to make sure he was okay, and my H got upset -not really angry, but said "if that's what you need to do to get past this, than maybe you should. But, I don't want to share you with anyone, and I don't want to lose you, and I don't think it's a great a idea to call him, because the book (we were reading a book on infidelity at the time) said that no contact was the only way to get through this."<P>He was amazing because he was there as a friend to support me, he loved me enough to let me make my own decisions, but somehow, when I had "permission" to call the OM - I really didn't want to. I guess it all goes back to being just completely, totally honest with each other. I relied on my H for a lot of things - but in the early stages, I really relied on him to be the voice of reason - because I really wasn't thinking very clearly at all.<P>You know, I thank God every day that he blessed me with such a loving, kind and patient husband. I have put him through an enormous amount of pain and turmoil, but he never stopped loving me. And, after more than a year into recovery, well, I have learned mot only to appreciate my marriage, but I also appreciate my H and what he was willing to endure for us. I love him more today than on the day I married him, and every day he continues to show me how great and amzaing he is - it's not so much that he's any different than before, but we communicate a lot better now, and we look to each other for support. I really don't know how he did it, but am oh so thankful that he was able to.

SKM!!! Welcome back!!<P>I was going to reply to this post, but after you do, I never feel like I have much to say. Whew. It's good to havve you back.<P>Elad-<BR>My experience was similar to others who have replied. I was caught, and confessed to my EA. There had been a huge amount of denial and delusion on my part about why the relationship with OM was "ok." Seeing my H hurt and anger made it clear to me in an instant that none of it was "ok." So, what brought me back was reality. I never intended to "stray" I never consciously chose to betray him, I never left. <P>My H forgiveness made me want to work on the marriage. His committment to me, even after all I had done that was selfish, stupid and deceitful made me want to work on the marriage. I had convinced myself that his neglect of me was evidence that he didn't care. But I didn't have to think long to realize that his reaction to the A was a clear indication that he did love me and wanted us to work out. Having hope that we could heal (eventually) that we would address issues that lead to my withdrawal, and that he would forgive me made me want to stay.