belld<P>Even at 2.5+years past d-day, I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice. Looking back, I guess I say that I did make the right choice given the circumstances that lead to the W’s A. Her frame of mind was so full of grief after losing our daughter and the pastor took advantage of her grief and the difficulties we were having in our marriage. He preys on women with marital difficulties and it was his 4th or 6th EMR. There are times that I “hate” the W for the pain that I must deal with daily. The intensity of that pain diminishes with time. But, triggers bring it back to the front again. I hate the fact that I no longer have that blind trust in the W. Yes; the marriage can be better than what it was. However, IMHO, it is forever changed and there are elements of the marriage that can never be repaired or replaced. So, did I make the right choice in staying? For the moment, I believe I did. Another area of influence was that our other children needed their mother. In spite of her poor choice, they needed her. <BR>The drawback from her EMR was that it has created a weakness in me. I never was attracted to any other women pre-emr. I will not say that I did not find women attractive, I just never desired any of them. Post-emr it is a major battle. The W knows this and it scares her. This is one of the things I hate about the choice that she made. It is especially worst when we have a disagreement. I guess it is some of the consequences of her choice. Also, relates to the damage it has done to my self-esteem. But, we are working on that.<BR>Blessings<BR>

Hi Bell:<P>I don't know how I missed this post...I guess because it was around Mother's Day and I was so busy...but I certainly can relate to how you're feeling.<P>My WS and I are at the point...after 5 years of dealing with OW...off and on....of dealing with our marriage again.<BR>I've waited a long time to hear some of the stuff I'm hearing now...but change is beginning. Like Lor posted:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> I didn't hand the marriage to Guard when he had his turnaround (although I had tried that during previous reconciliations), he worked at it, because I had already given everything I had, and had given up. And, even though my lovebank was empty...the bank was still there with his name on it , as was his with my name. <BR></B> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>WS leaves for the affair....and we're filled with "what can I do to get him back" and MB has some good methods to effect just that....but what about WS...no marriage is one-sided as to the errors made...they have their culpability in what went wrong...so things get a little rocky and they want to come back and we let them....but who's the only one who has really changed....you....they come back and continue in their old ways....and the same problems begin to crop up. <P>AFter five years I too had given all I had....but I continued in my commitment because that is me....and I still had a firm belief in the inherent goodness of this man...but I realized that in order for the marriage to work he needed to be at the point where he realized that he too had made mistakes. It took a while and it's still in progress, but now I can see changes in his attitude...a willingness to accept that he made mistakes in the marriage and willingness to try and change. I really think this is a result of his separation from me and the lessons he has learned from life. I realize that not everyone is as patience as I am.....stubborn some would call it....and sometimes for your own good you have to move on.<P>I think that is what really changed for my WS...the realization that if he didn't changed he was going to lose me...that I had reached my limit, that the time had come to truly work on himself and the marriage. And it is like night and day...the difference in him....but I intent to wait and slowly rebuild. AFter all he has done the worst thing to me that a person can do to their spouse and I have endured and grown through it....I have nothing to lose...but a little time. I am so much stronger now I can go on...either way this turns out. <P>I think what you are experiencing is good...you are not letting yourself in for another failed attempt...you are questioning whether his commitment is serious...and finding him wanting. I did the same thing in previous return attempts. This time is different...I've declared that I've changed and if he wants back in the marriage he need to do some changing. In fact I've changed so much that if he is not willing to change then I'm content to move on...confident in the knowledge that something better awaits me in the future. <P>I'll pray that your WS realizes soon what he stands to lose and begins to do his part in rebuilding your marriage before it's too late.<P>Faye<P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited May 17, 2001).]

Okay, I'm going to spill my guts here.<P>I am going through a mourning process. Mourning for the marriage I thought I would have but that didn't even come close to my expectations. <P>My memories are filled with only one thing - H's angry outbursts, assessing blame, arguing when there was no need to argue, my "walking on eggshells" ... make the *conscious* decision to *not* be myself, to not be spontaneous or speak my mind or confide in him because it could possibly be taken as a personal affront. And memories of being scared witless during his rages. Memories of crying so hard and feeling so hopeless and alone that it felt as though I were the only person on the planet. Feeling resentful because no one understood my pain, or if they did, they did not care. Feeling like the "piece of sh*t that my H called me. Feeling like a big nothing, a burden, a waste of space and oxygen and food, as though my life were expendable.<P>I allowed myself to stay in that situation for a very long time. Hope was my enemy, not my companion. Hope told me that he would "change." That he would suddenly acquire a good temperament, compassion, empathy ... that it would NEVER happen again. My self-esteem would raise just a little bit. Then it would happen all over again, and I would be flattened. Leveled. Not just back to point zero, but somewhere in the negatives. The longer I stay, the worse I feel about myself. The less I feel I am worthy of living.<P>My H recently asked me when I started to lose my love for him. I was honest. I told him it was the night when I discovered that he was out with some friends, including the XOW, and that he did not tell me, nor was I invited. From there, my love for him began to erode, slowly, steadily. He told me that I was lying. So much for being honest, right? There are things that he has accused me of in the past. I have even offered to go get a lie detector test, but he told me that they weren't reliable. So I didn't bother trying to prove to him that I was telling the truth.<P>I can beat my head against the wall; but as much as I try to change myself, it will never work until *he* gets help for his temper, as well as steady counseling in productive communication skills. Ongoing cognitive behavioral therapy seems to be the answer, but to his perception, I am the one with the major malfunction. <P>Maybe he is right, it is very dysfunctional to stay in close proximity to someone who makes you feel like a big fat zero.<P>belld

<<<<HUGS>>>><P>I wish that there was more I could do for you. I was the person with the temper in my family. I know what I put my wife through. If he is unwilling to get help for the anger, then do what is best for you. In all the ways that you helped me in my marriage, you are very far from a zero.<P>Prayers are with you

belld:<P>Then it's time for a total separation (and probably past time). You can still stand for your marriage---but with the situation you're in, your husband will kill the marriage much more quickly.<P>Plan B.