Is there a difference in the behavious of married OW v. single OW. The OW in our case is single - late 30s and 20 years younger than my H. I have often wondered whether this makes it harder because she has no reason to give him up. No family or H to go back to. Not very constructive but I do wonder WHY??? she became involved with H. Yes, he is attractive and can be very charming and gives the impression of being very much wealthier than we are (good clothes, car etc> )and well connected and recognised in his profession - was/is she just a gold digger? on a power trip? just a witch? Why would she give him up ? She has been known to espress the view that she would never marry "because all men cheat" !!! <P>No doubt H's ego was stroked - and he suffered a dose of testosterone poisoning. I actually understand all that - and can relate his general unhappiness and depression to a "late life crisis" - but in recent times i suspect that he has started to see reality - and move slowly out of the fog - I think the "madness" of the A masked a much deeper general unhappiness within him. But I digress - Q. is whether single OW behave differently from a married OW?<P>R

Rosie - on the surface, I would imagine a single OP generally behaves differently for the reasons you stated.<P>But I doubt this is a hard and fast rule.<P>However, this should also be a reason to end the affair more easily - the single ones don't have to face their spouses in the end.<P>An example may be my wife's OM. He's chucking everything that should be important to him - the relationship with his kids and large extended family. He'll have to support his unemployed wife and pay the huge mortgage on their house. You would think this stuff would at least bring him back to try. But this would mean "surrendering" to his wife who has been attacking him continuously.<P>WAT

Rose,<P>My H's OW (don't we use lots of abv.) was married but divorced her H within months of the beginning of the A. She stated she had been unhappy for along time. This was 2 yrs ago, her H has now moved on(he is either married or in has very serious SO), while my H & I are still married for now.<P>Even moving to a different contident didn't get rid of her.<P>I just know she has been very tenaious, as their love is so complete, plus she has no money. She want have much if my H & divorce either, but don't think she knows that.

Here is what I think the difference is.<P>Single OW think he is their soulmate and can be more available and will hang on to the dream of having him for a long time. <P>But married OW are also using him as an escape from their perceved problems in their own marriage, so that gives them an added reason to hang on,and to tell the truth after dealing with a Married OW, she didnt seem at all concerend that her H found out and was not going to give him up without a fight. <P>I like to think that if there is a huge differnce in ages and experiance like in your situation, it is doomed to fail for sure... they have no commom ground, it is only her worship of him that keeps it going, and once its over she will find som other poor succer. But its harder for a married woman to justify and get into an affair, so she might tend to try and initaite contact again.<P>I dont know, I overanalize things. <BR>Lora

Well in my case my H and I have been married 15 yrs and have 3 great kids. OW on the other hand has never been married is in her mid thirties and is DESPERATE to be! She was sick of single guys and worked closely with H and latched right onto him! She has poisoned his mind against ME and yet is jealous of MY life( new home, 3 great kids who she fantasizes about being their stepmom- how sick is THAT?) This was my H's first affair. She even convinced him to file for divorce on me( H said it was because we were incompatible etc. but then confessed to our therapist that OW pressured him to do it or she wouldnt talk to him again!)She even took a job transfer to another state since she told him she was tired of him coming home to ME( his own wife!)Yet she still applies pressure to him even from there! She is a real piece of work- I think I would like to sick a pitbull on her shins!!!!!!lifeismessy

My H's OW is also single and 24 (he's 27), so she has no real reason to give him up and let him move on with his life. Even with a no contact letter sent to her, she calls relentlessly---many times at least 2 times a day, and they work together 10 hours a day. Unfortunately, because H is her supervisor, he cannot block her calls until he starts his new job.<P>I agree with Lora completely---he's her soulmate and the best thing that she's ever had (according to her disgusting letters). He has made her so sexual, he is the ray of light in her day, her rock of strength, blah, blah, blah....<P>I only wish that she had a spouse that I could have revealed the affair to, but unfortunately, there's noone that really would care......

I think there is a difference. Our OW was also married and had two sons the same age as our one child. <P>One of things I question was there was never any contact between them except for work, obviously because in the evenings she was at home with her family and unable to contact mine. Also the phone numbers were long distance and her H or myself could have easily picked up on evening calls to strange numbers. I believe if she was single and lonely at night she would have been calling H to chat etc.<P>She had to be even more careful than my H because her H worked with them making them very cautious around coworkers etc. If she had been single I am sure they would have been going for lunches together etc. <P>She is the person who got caught because her H worked shift work and snook in and went through her desk and listened to her voice mails. I doubt I would have ever found out if he didn't call my H to confront him.<P>I Believe that the married OP is in the same fog as our spouces and may realize after D-day what a mistake they made. That is what happened in our case, she went back to her family in one week (after convincing H to tell me and move in with her) however she continued to have sex with my H for three more months while working on her marriage (we stayed separated).<P>So yes, I believe married op are different because they have a commitment elsewhere and have the same stuff to lose as our spouses. Single people will be in their lovers business more frequently (I think they want the spouse to get caugth hoping they get kicked out and have to move in with affair partner)and only have their lover to lose by revelation of an affair.<P>In my case I am glad she was married because she turned out to be lying to my h as well as her's. H recognized that soon enough and called it quits.<P>

Singel OW, the pits has nothing to lose and truly nothing to gain, as if my H leaves to go with her, he will come with three kids, (not full time) half or less of his salary and constant communication with me over family matters will have to make a number of moves as H is in the military. Is this what she wants? Probably not. But it is what she will get. There is no spouse to rat her out on but what about her mother, I know I would love to tell his mother, but wont.<P>She is someone from the past 23 years past and started EA while H was out of country, has never married or been serious about anyone else, lives next door to her parents. Does this person need to grow up or what? This not like stealing someones boyfriend in high school. In some ways I think H felt sorry for her and that she never connected with anyone else.<P>Oh well,

I agree that there is a difference - no costs of divorce in the life of a single OW - emotionally, financially, or otherwise. In other words, no consequences for her at all.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

=<p>[This message has been edited by GraceLeigh (edited June 01, 2001).]

Rose...<P> As a married man who is the WS (deep EA with a married woman), I can honestly say that her being married, along with myself, has been the ONE thing that has kept us from going over the edge. We are working at 'getting untangled' emotionally. It has not been easy. The feelings ran deep. But neither of us wanted to leave our marriages and destroy so many people in the process. We both have expressed at times how we hate to think of what would happen if one of us were single...or became that way.<P> I'm sure this sounds odd, both both of our spouses have served as some type of 'anchor'. Perhaps in your case, the aggressive actions of the OW will cause your husband to come to his senses. I hope so.

ooops!<BR>Double post!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by lighthouse (edited May 13, 2001).]

Thankyou for so many responses. it hashelped me get a bit of perspective. It certainly seems that the OW in my case would be of the view that she had "nothing to lose" and "everything to gain". I dont know whether H and I will make it or not. But I do feel absolutley confident that even if we go our separate ways he will not make his life with her If he had really wanted to he could/would have done it by now. H has been home today with me - sometimes I feel really vindictive and would love to let her know we had a nice day. I dont think that there is any direct contact (at the moment) - although they do foward each other "funny" e-mails - with no comments. Anyway I hope she is sitting at home having a throughly miserable time all on her own. <P>R

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Rosebrook:<BR>[B]Thankyou for so many responses. it hashelped me get a bit of perspective. It certainly seems that the OW in my case would be of the view that she had "nothing to lose" and "everything to gain". >>>><P>ExOW was single. She was 24 years old (H was 35) a single mom (never been married), no education beyond high school, worked as an office temp, lived in a gross neighborhood and her last BF before my H was an unemployed, drunken hillbilly. H has multiple degrees, is a VP in a major corporation and makes pretty good money (to her I'm sure he seems extremely wealthy). She thought she had hit the jackpot. She even told me how she was "so sick of being a single Mom" (yet it would have been okay to make me one) and she wanted to live in a nice house and go to college (which she had hoped H would eventually be footing the bill for).<P>She had nothing to lose whatsoever by hanging on like a pitbull. To her losing him was like watching your winning lottery ticket go swirling down the sewer drain. I think she viewed him as a once in a lifetime opportunity and she wasn't letting her dreams of the good life go down without a fight.