I don't know what to do. OW is out of the picture, but he's still flopping around about his feelings for & about me. I got my ring back a few weeks ago, he was being awesome. Saying he's made up his mind, it's me he wants. Saying that we're wasting time that we could be making a life together. Saying that he wants to take care of me & my girls. Then-the fear sets in again. Now he's back to the I'm not sure, we've both got a lot of things that we need to work out for ourselves. Back to all the "I" talking instead of "we". I'm fairly sure that he wants his ring back-or at least doesn't feel like we're engaged, although I didn't ask. I couldn't stand to hear the answer right now. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm tired of him quitting on me. This feels just the same as when he originally left. I've got all this stuff going on with my girls & their dad right now that's pretty bad & he's quitting on me again. It makes me angry.<P>I didn't LB too much when he was telling me this stuff, although I did cry, just couldn't help it. I just told him that I wanted him to be happy, that I hoped he would be happy with me, but I just wanted him to be ok. I apologized for crying, just told him it was hard for me to hear all the stuff he'd been saying to me & then hear this again. It's so hard to not take this personally. . to not feel like I'm just not good enough. I know it's not completely about me, I know it's stuff about him that he's just got to work thru. But I'm just so tired, I'm angry & I'm hurt again. I don't know how much more I have inside of me to keep caring about his feelings & struggles. I don't know what to do.

Bitsy,<BR>My H left me twice more after the affair was over...at that point I believe it was guilt over realizing how badly he had treated me & our daughters (rather contradictory to feel bad about an affair & abandonment & do more abandoning...).<P>I can't really advise you to do what I did. I can tell you that I wish I had gone to Plan B...but it was a little too late, on my counselor's advise I acted "as if" we were divorced (this part was ok), but my lovebank was too empty to do it with love and I served D papers & generally started moving on with my life (prematurly, I see now)...<P>My H did a complete, an apparent pretty permanent (now a year later) turnaround. We stayed separated the last time for 5 months, and he used that time to work through his problems and decide what he truly wanted, which turned out to be me & the kids as a family. And we reconciled.<P>If your SO wants to leave, let him. I am no fan of separations, I think the overall result is usually negative--our first 6 didn't seem to help much . But living with the waffling is also very difficult, grueling...and when the OW was gone and he still wasn't sure, I felt like such a loser. And I wasn't the problem, it was what was within him.<P>Anyway, you can continue Plan A, but be sure to take care of yourself. You are in a very tough spot. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Lor,<BR>Thanks for the reply. What the h goes thru their heads??? I mean feeling guilty about treating us badly then the solution is to keep on hurting us?? I just don't get it.<P>My taker is comming out in full force right now. I can't make any decisions right now, it's still too new & I'm too angry. I just want him to work on this with me. . I want him to stop running. He told me a few weeks ago, I've decided, I want you before you're not here anymore. Where did that go? I'm just loosing so much faith in him. I can deal with the problems & with his feelings, but I'm having trouble dealing with the way HE is DEALING with his feelings. Today I feel like I don't have much more, tomorrow may be different.<BR>

Oh, Bitsy --<P>I am going throug the exact same thing right now. And,it is very difficult. And, although I will apologize to you for this statement -- it does make me feel a little better to know that you and others (Lor) are/have going/gone through the same. It makes me feel like ther is still a chance for things to work out in the end. I dearly love my H. And, after he ended his A, and we began "working" on "us" -- things were terrific. We started re-planning our future together with our kids and planning for 50 years down the road. It was great. Then, one day he decided he really didn't love me and that he was moving out.<P>Well, it's been a month and he's still gone. Doesn't want to talk to me about ever reconciling, But, I still love him as much as ever, and i won't give up. I will keep faith and belive that one day he will make the decision that will "fix" our family.<P>Hang in there -- you will be in my thoughts often, Bitsy.<P>As for you, Lor -- thanks for the encouragement.<P>Love,<BR>Sun

Sun-you don't have to apologize for feeling better that someone else is going thru the same thing. It tends to make me feel better to, to know that I'm not the only one!<P>I want to feel like you do, I want to continue to believe & have faith in him. I knew to expect this from him, but I'm just so tired. Right now I feel like, if you're not sure, if I'm not good enough then just git. I don't want to feel like this, I want to believe-hopefully in a few days I'll get back to that. It makes me feel strong when I believe in him, so I guess this is a weak moment for me. I just wonder how I will ever fully be able to trust (not because of the OW) him, just trust that he's not going to quit on me again. I feel myself loosing so much respect for him. Running, all the time running. I want him to stand up & say, no matter what, you are what I want & I'll fight thru anything I promise. You are worth it to me. I guess that's the part that really gets me, I've continued to love him thru all the pain I've felt b/c he is worth it to me. But I don't feel like I'm worth it to him.<P>I think that I'm being selfish right now, and I don't really like myself, or the way that I feel. It feels much better when I do believe. How I wish that he would feel it to. I want to be loved the way I love him.<P>I do have to say that your post comforted me. . I think the part about me being in your thoughts. Do you see how starved I am for any kind of caring?? Thank you.

Bitsy,<P>I was just thinking of you today and wondering how you're doing. Things don't seem anybetter here, but no worse either.<P>I hope you are in good spirits. I keep you and your family in my thougts and prayers. I believe that we will all get through these times and no matter what the outcome we will be stronger and much better because of it.<P>Good luck and many hugs -- I'm sure you are hurting (I feel it too) but keep in touch -- we'll get through this together.<P>sun

Dear Bitsy,<P>Sorry to hear the roller coaster ride is still going on. Yep, that waffle stuff makes me want to gag. For me when that was happening (it still can and H is now home - 3 weeks), I had to go to plan B real hard. We have a son and yet I needed to do this for me. <P>2 months..... I'm going to write about my thoughts on plan B on another post. But I wanted to let you know, plan B is not a negative plan, just a safety net for the BS and perhaps a wake up call to the WS. They need to realize that life can go on with or without them. As hard as it is for us, that is a definite option. <P>Some Ws's will continue to waffle (for a variety of reasons), in H's case part of his waffling was knowing the fact that his W was waiting for him. The nerve!!! He actually said that in an e-mail to OW. Yes, I even got to read those sordid and obscene e-mails. YUCK!!! <P>So my dear, please hang in there, you have been through worse and it will get better. It is up to you right now to plan as best you can and then step back and watch. Patience and time, make them your friends not your ememies. <P>You helped me so much in the past, I hope this helps you. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>