Hello everyone,<BR>It's been a while since I last posted. Not because I haven't wanted to, but because there has really been nothing new happening. Friday was our court appointed mediation date. <P>We went with both of our lawyers. What a thing to have to go through. Reducing 12 years of a relationship to lawyers and legal papers because one person couldn't be true to their marriage vows. It sucked. Legally putting down on paper that I have to give up 50% time with my kids. Having to look at ways to refinance things because I have to buy my wife out in order for me to keep the house so that the kids can stay in the only house that they know as home.<P>The ironic thing is that I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry because she will never rreally know what it is like to have a true family because I now realize that she is incapable of anything that isn't self serving. It has been all about her and what she wants.<P>The other thing is that this whole mess cold be over in a few short weeks, and that will be right around when our 10 wedding aniversary is. She has managed to hit almost every major significant date in the year and turn it into something that I will always want to forget.<P>So when she says she wants to be friends with me...I just look at her and say...that is the one thing in all of this mess that I have control over. I get to choose who I want to be friends with. I like to be able to believe that my friends are trustworthy and truthful. You are neither.<BR>I try to be cordial for the kids sake, and she reads that as if I am forgiving her for her selfish acts of self indulgence. <P>So...I have no choice but to take the knife out of my back myself, and try to find a way to move on with the hand that was dealt me...<P>I am sure that at some point in time...what comes around will definately go around, and that my kids will realize that all the little "Disney mom" things she has been doing are just cheap ploys to buy their love, because of all the guilt that she is carrying.<P>She says that she is happy, and I guess I have to believe her. She is finally doing all the things that she has wanted to do since we got married. She now can go out whenever she wants. Knows the kids are being well looked after. She has no responsibility to anyone or anything and can do all these things with someone else who obviously wanted the same things because he left a wife and three kids.<P>So my friends...the end is near, and the only reminder of what I thought was a wonderful relationship will be the two beautiful kids I have and the next 13 years of having to deal with an Adult who wants to be a teenager again.<P>Keep the faith everyone!!!<P>~Mike~<P>------------------<BR>the probability of someone watching you...is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions

Mike, <P> I am sorry that you had to go through that, and you are feeling low, that is probably the way your are meant to feel right now, something that you thought would be forever is no longer going to be. You are grieving I suppose, and you need to do that and to come out on the other side. Keep your kids in focus, they are what is important right now. I did daycare for 10 years and had 3 wonderful single fathers that I cared for their children. These guys were amazing and put many of us stay at home mothers to shame. one baked cakes from scratch that were out of this world. The kids were just amazing, most polite little people I had ever meet. You will prevail and so will they, just get through the bad stuff right now and look to the future and your kids. <P>Best wishes and good luck.<P>

Mike - I am really with you, man. You are a hero in my book for your kids. Please cherish them and they will reward you.<P>I have the same thought as you when it comes to who I will keep as friends. My wife wants the same thing as yours. They think it should be automatic. Nope. They blew their friendship chance when they burned that bridge named honesty.<P>Dave (WAT)

Mike,<P>I really feel for you, and wish things were going differently. Some of your paragraphs are identical to what I'm experiencing. <P>Disney mom is a good analogy. Just went through the refinancing thing with my house...luckily it worked, but even with that I don't know the long term feasibility of keeping it, because if my wife ever went to court to get more money, then I'd still have to sell it. What a mess.<P>Mine envisions the friends thing too. But lately I have trouble talking with her, being with her, looking at her. She is so bizarre. Being a teenager again too.<P>Hang in there....we are with you and wish there was more we could do to help. Thanks for the update and take care.<P><BR>

Mike,<P>I'm sorry to hear that things are still going this way. I am, however, glad for you that you at least have your integrity.<P>You'll be ok, regardless of how unpleasant things are right now.<P>Best wishes,<P>Steve

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Knows the kids are being well looked after. She has no responsibility to anyone or anything<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That is why betrayers who leave do so, in 99% of the cases. It is not really about "unmet needs" etc. - it is about wanting to rid themselves of responsibility, while knowing full well that the other parent will take care of the children so they don't have to worry about it.

Hi Mike,<P>I'm so sorry you're hurting, but if it's any consolation, you're not the only one in that boat; there's a bunch of us! Boy can I relate on the "being friends" part. According to H, I am not just a friend, I am his BEST FRIEND, and he is still in love with me. All I can think is that he must have a very different perspective on friendship, and if he truly loves me and treats me like this, I shudder at the thought of how he'd treat me if he didn't love me. Yikes!! I suppose I have very high standards because I could never be friends with someone who lies to me, and continues to deceive me. So, you are definitely not alone on that account.<P>As hard as it is to not take it all personally, just know that it's not YOU. Your STBXW obviously has 'issues' that she's never addressed that are preventing her from maintaining a monogamous, and honest relationship. I have found letters indicating that my H is not only lying to me but to OW too. No doubt, your wife is doing the same.<P>Life goes on and you will no doubt meet someone else who can partner with you and together you will have a truly fulfilling relationship. Try to remain positive, which sometimes is the hardest thing to do!

Hi mbtrk,<BR>someone in France stil thinks about you.<BR>It's late here, I will post agan tomorrow.

Hey, Mike.<P>I haven't been around too much myself lately, but I just wanted to tell you - not how sorry I am, because, really, I think it is your wife I should feel sorry for. She definitely will have some regrets, and you will not. You did everything you could have done to save your marriage and to keep your family together - she did not. You care about your family, more than you care about yourself. She does not. You have integrity, she does not. You care about other people - even when they slap you in the face with infidelity and selfishness - she does not.<P>So, while, I know this is a very difficult thing for you to go through, I know that you will get through this a lot better than your wife. Treat yourself well, do those things that you want to do, now. You're a good guy and you'll be just fine.

I am in a very similar situation myself, but I cannot agree with the mindset you are all espousing here. This looks like MLC, and WAS, from Divorce Busting, and as good as that seems to be, it isn't based on the reality of a Christian based marriage. She is doing all of that, but that is just her behavior right now. It changed from something else to this, and there is no doubt that it can change again for the better. I finally realized that my wife is trying to convince herself, not me. She will burn her own bridges, have her own failures, she doesn't need your animosity to help that, it only serves to harden her heart. Would you like a reconciliation at some point? Do you think that being as immature as she is will help? What do YOU want? Really.

Hello to all my friends!<BR>Daybreak...<BR>Yes, Ehen I got married I thought that it would be forever. I waited a long time before I thought I found the right person. Did my playing when I was younger and realized that I was ready to settle down. Obviously I was mistaken. I have no choice in this situation. I tried to hold it together for as long as I could and not feel like I was being walked all over. It's one of those situations where you have to decide to fish or cut bait! I will do my best to let the kids see that their father did stand and try to make things work, and that they are loved unconditionally. That is the way marriages should work also, but obviously one of us found someone else to stand in.<P>Wat...<BR>We have been here together for some time and have very similar situations. You too are one who can hold his head high and know that you have fought a good battle. Sometimes you have to cut your losses in order to fight another battle. With me...even if there were any chance of reconciliation, I know that it wuld be almost impossible to trust or believe her again. So...for now I move on knowing I fought a good battle, and when one door closes..I hope another one will open.<P>Rick...<BR>You have gone above and beyond what one human should have to endure! We also have very similar situations. I guess I just couldn't hang in any longer. She was the one who filed. Maybe if she had held off a bit longer, I might have been able to hang in longer. It didn't work out that way. Oh well...I know that I am a good father and a good husband. She just had other priorities. In retrospect, she probably should never have gotten married. To much responsibility, for someone who will never grow up!<P>Stllhers...<BR>I do have my integrity, and I plan on keeping it. Which is one reason why I need to move on. I will not let one persons selfish choices effect my life any more. I am a much stronger person now, that before. Each day brings new hurdles to jump over, but at least I am clearing them now and not knocking them over!<P>Nellie...<BR>I have been the primary caretaker since the kids were born. I do know that there were some unmet needs, and realize that now. For me...they would be very easy to start meeting, but she won't let me...she thinks that she has found someone else that will do that for her. My "W" has never been a very responsible person at home...and I really don't see that changing. I guess that was one of my biggest complaints, and now this proves it more!<P>Sidney...<BR>Thanks for your support, I truly appreciate it. We all need to help each other out and your kind words mean a lot!<P>SteveE!!!!<BR>How's my bud in France!!! Haven't heard from you in a while!<BR>I hope your situation just keeps getting better. I know that mine will eventually!<P>SKM...<BR>I know that I can hold my head high and walk with all of you who have tremendous integrity, and worked soo hard to maintain your relationships. You win some and you lose some. I guess I can look at this in two ways. I will win, because I did all I could to save my marriage. I lose my wife, and half time with my kids. I win again, because my wife has opened up the door so that I might find someone who truly does appreciate all that I have to offer a relationship, and she loses because she walked away without even trying. How will she be able to look at her kids and not feel guilt. Someday, I know that she will regret her decision!<P>W-F-H...<BR>I got married in a church and said vows that I truly believed in. My W is trying to convince herself every day that she made the right choice. It doesn't matter what I do..it is always negative and used as a reason why she left. As far as I am concerned right now, I really want nothing to do with her. Mostly for self preservation, because I still love her and it is too painful to see #1) what she has become, and #2)where she is going with her life. So...I just choose to move on with my life and not let her in, anymore than I have to because of my kids. As far as a christian bases marriage...she through that out when she decided to break her wedding vows, and get involved with not only another man, but one that was also married and had kids. I am sure that God does not condone that behavior at all!<P>Everyone..I hope you have a nice day!<P>Mike <P>------------------<BR>the probability of someone watching you...is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions

Mike,<P>You done good. Sorry it didn't work out. You can hold your head up knowing that you have done the right thing. Your kids are lucky to have a great dad like you. best of luck.

Hi Sing...<BR>It still is very hard trying to process this whole mess. I really can't understand why someone that had 12 years invested in a relationship, with 2 kids, would just throw it all to the wind and walk away without any effort to repair the marriage. It really blows my mind. It truly is a selfish and self centered way of life...this affair thing!<P>I tried, and tried very hard to hold it together. It couldn't be done. I needed some help, and she didn't want any part of it. So....time to accept the fact that her and boytoy are going to play "touchy/feely" for awhile, and just move on with life. It does no good to dwell on the negative. THanks for the support...<P>Mike<P>