I have been in a relationship for 18 mths. For 8 of those mths I have been engaged. I just found out today that the man I am engaged to was sending flowers to his ex wife while we were on a trip with a card telling her that he loved her. In fact he sent her flowers three times during our week long trip. At the time he was sending these flowers we had been dating only 6 mths. Two mths later was when he gave me the engagement ring. Now I feel confused. Was I second choice? His wife was the one who filed for divorce and I know he regretted the marriage ending. Am I making too big a deal of this considering that the flowers were sent almost a year ago (even though I just found out by coming across an old receipt today). When I confronted him about it he said that at the time he was feeling confused about our relationship. Now I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed and although he says no further contact has been made I don't know if I believe him or not. What if the ex wife one day decides she wants him back again? Is he going to just up and leave? I want to trust him and I deeply love him but I also don't want to get into a marriage that will fail. We are supposed to get married in October. Should I postpone it? Any advice you can give me would be appreciated.

Something I know about from both sides. Ugh. Blech.<P>I am an ex-wife and I am also engaged to a man who has an ex- wife. Normally, I am on the Divorcing/Divorced board... but for some reason your post called out to me. I can see why now.<P>Tell me if I'm wrong, but in our cases, and I would assume in yours, ample time DID NOT pass for healing. Marriages sometimes don't "feel over" for years, if ever. The endings to all marriages, and most especially to long-term marriages (over 10 years) can take a long time to heal from, if ever. And in some cases, love and habit make us turn back to our ex-spouses, even if we agreed to the divorce.<P>So... to answer your question... you DON'T know what would happen if his ex came and asked him back. You need to ASK HIM what he'd do. If there is ANY DOUBT in your mind, I would say not to marry him. Yes, I am serious. You can save yourself a lot of pain and heartache if you feel in your gut that you know the answer to this... and I suspect that you do, or you wouldn't have searched us out.<P>I would also like to take this time to welcome you, and to share two links with you:<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A><P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A><P>Click on the links and look around. See if this is the place for you, and if it is, begin to use the principles to make your fiance feel safe and loved -- or prepare to let him go back to his ex-wife. You <B>do</B> need to know!<P><BR>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited May 12, 2001).]

Listen to Sherly she is a very wise woman.