I'm really trying to avoid a big LB tonight. It will be equally as hard to stay out of trouble tomorrow.<P>Most of you know my story. It's a lot different then almost everyone else here. My wife informed me six months ago that she was in love with another woman. This OP is also her boss and best friend for the past tern years. To make a long story short, I found the MB site and counseled with Steve several times. My wife even spent a session with him. She even stated to him that she does not consider herself a homosexual and has continually expressed this to me on several occassions. Both Steve and another therapist I have seen have stated that this is entirely possible. Both believe that although the affair has been physical, it is highly emotional on at least my wife's part.<P>I plan A'd for four months under Steve's careful guidance. In March, when my wife finally moved out, Steve felt it would be a good time to move into Plan B and at the same time inform my kids and her family of the affair. I only succeeded in doing the latter. My initial attempt at Plan B lasted all of about eight hours. I had concerns about how the kids were going to handle Plan B (they hated the idea when I explained it to them) and also started to worry if I had done a good enough Plan A. I felt some relief in the fact that my kids now knew. Witholding the truth from them actually made me feel guilty. Ever since this happened, my girls have gained more respect for me and started to understand more about what was going on. They immediately despised this OP who had actually been close to them for many years.<P>My wife has tried to do a lot of damage control since that time. She has tried to bring this OP back into the kid's lives. My oldest daughter, 15, isn't falling for it. The youngest, 9, has problems with the situation. She wants to continue to like this OP, but knows she had something to do with the breakup of her family.<P>Which brings me to today and the big LB. This is my wife's week with the kids. My oldest has gone away for a couple of days on a school trip. I found out through talking to my younger one tonight on the phone that she and Mommy spent the entire day with this OP! I talked to my wife twice earlier and she never mentioned this. I am livid!<P>The problem is, how do I put accross this extreme displeasure to my wife? And on Mother's Day to boot!!!<P>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited May 12, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited May 12, 2001).]

AH - I know how you feel. I went through the same emotions when I found out that OM had been in the presence of my son, against my explicit requests to my wife. Similar to you, OM was a long time friend - even a pallbearer in my younger son's funeral - so it seemed OK to him.<P>The sad thing is that I don't think either you or I can prevent it. I LB'd months ago trying to stop it and was powerless.<P>I think you can put across your displeasure without LB'ing as long as you don't get nasty. What you really want is to stop it and I don't think you can unless you can prove some harm is coming to your daughter. As a matter of fact, OM's wife in my situation has been successful in keeping her younger daughter away from my wife - but it has taken threats of court action and a shrink's involvement - all the while putting the youngster through a lot of stress. I don't know which is worse.<P>Wish I had a better answer.<P>WAT

Always,<P>Though I know little of your story, I di remember someone going through a similar situation last year...Look at the links I posted, especialy the one that Ganie29 replies to it is titled Today I lost It...It is the first link...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010399.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010399.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010304.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010304.html</A> <P>If you do a search for ThisAlex you will find more of his story...Though it didn't have the ending he had hoped for he did recover from his wifes leaving...His profile is listed on the Just found out board...<P>I hope this was some help...<P>Bill

Unfortunately, I don't think there is much you can do. This seems all to common, and I've faced similar stuff. I believe mine even had OM babysit my daughter recently for a couple of hours. What can I do about that? Nothing as far as I know. It is sickening though.<P>Like WAT said, you can express your displeasure, but it probably won't change anything.<P>Before saying anything, just consider what you want to say, and don't act upon the initial angry feelings that you might have.

William J-<P>Thanks for the links. You were correct. The post by Genie was very inspirational. Sort of reminded me of what I have been trying to do all along. I am an extremely patient person and have every bit of faith that my wife will come out of this., Our case is very different from ThisAlex in that his wife seemed to be addicted more to having affairs with other women. In my situation, this is an addiction that my wife has developed over many years. I'm not sure whether that makes it any easier or worse to pull out the relationship, but I do know she still goes to great lengths to hide it from everyone. That has got to take its toll sooner or later, pretty much like Genie had stated. I've just got to keep focused on being the "nice guy" (Plan A) for as long as I can hold out. I know from talking to my kids that they are tiring of this whole situation and are putting pressure on my wife. They are having less and less tolerance for this OP.<P>WAT-<P>I had decided to say nothing to my wife about this. But on the way home from church today with my youngest daughter, I got the whole story of what went on. Remember, my oldest daughter who has no tolerance for this OP is away for a few days. My wife thought she saw an opportunity here and evidently this OP was with her and my younger daughter Friday night and all day Saturday. They all went to KMart yesterday and this OP bought a gas grill for my wife and exclaimed "Happy Mother's Day" to her right in front of my daughter! Normally, this would send me past the breaking point. But my daughter then proceeded to tell me how much she resented the OP doing that. How much it made her feel that her Mother's Day present for her Mom was nothing. I'm now trying to figure out how I can talk about this with my wife without it ending up as a LB.<P>Rick-<P>Excellent advice. I usually find that if I can put a few hours between my initial reaction to my wife's callous behavior, I can usually reason myself out of what would have been a disastrous response.<P>Like Genie said, if I give it time, hopefully I can give their relationshup enough rope to hang itself...

The K mart story is absolutely sickening. I hope your daughter's rendition ended up making you feel proud of her.<P>There my be no way you can discuss this without LB'ing some.<P>Good luck.<P>Dave

There is no way you can control what the OP says or does within earshot or eyesite of your children...Expressing your rentment may be a greater LB than you can imagine...<P>The reality is this A: Your children may eventualy get fed up with this stuff and share thier resentment with thier mom and B: Your wife is looking for anything and everything to validate her feelings toward you...<P>Learning lovebusters is a tricky buisness...I can honestly say that I have committed ZERO LB's toward my ex in the last six months....My reason is simple...We are buisness partners and our buisness is our daughter...I never want her mom to say bad things about me and I never want to say bad things about her...Plus I get the satisfaction of an I told you so without uttering a word <P>You are in a tough predicament...Remember...<B>you just might wind up divorced</B> If you don't want that then you have to walk a fine line!! and still may wind up divorced...so...<B>ZERO LOVEBUSTERS!!</B><P>Stay in Plan-A until you feel your Lovebank becomming depleted to the point of no return Then go to Plan-B...<B>DO NOT</B> wait to go to Plan-B after you have reached your limit...<P>Steve told me to set a time table (6months) for plan-a....Check my pulse from time to time ie:have I lovebusted or are my feelings depleting more rapidly than expected...<P>Remember Lvebusting or not Lovebusting is the <B>KEY</B> to Plan-A...<P>You are going to have to eat a lot of humble pie and resentment...Vent it here!!<P>And always remember <B>ZERO LOVEBUSTERS</B> have I already mentioned that <P>Bill

I think Plan B is imminent in my case. A talk with Steve would probably be in order before I try again.<P>It has become very evident that all my wife is now interested in is recovering and doing damage control from my revealing her affair about two months ago. Her goal is to bring this other woman back into everyone's life. She takes every chance she can get. I found out today that she took this OP to a minor league baseball game the other night with my daughter AND her father. Evidently her parents are now in her plans of damage control.<P>I need to become focused on Plan B again and need to inform those close to me of its purpose. My kids hated the idea the first time I tried it. They believed it was better for Dad & Mom to keep talking. To them, there always was a chance as long as we were communicating. They actually accused me of "scheming" against my wife. I hope God can grant me the wisdom to convince them that what i am about to do is in everybody's best interest.<P>