Sitting in the Doctor's office with my husband nine months ago, our dr. informed us that my husband might have cancer. He showed us my husbands chart, not seeing on it until it was too late that my husband had filled out that in the past year he had had two sexual encounters. I felt as if the floor was dropping out from underneath me. Over the next several weeks I learned that after 29 years of marriage over 19 of those years my husband had six extramaritial affairs. One lasting 18 years, and still lingering on although he had not seen her for about 5 months. The others lasting several days to several months. While we waited for the test results over the next several weeks, I cried, raged and fell apart. We talked, talked, and talked. He showed complete remorse, and agreed to never see any of these women again. He told me he never loved them, but could not stop seeing mostly one woman over the years. He said that all he felt was relief that it was now over and he could stop and have no more secrets from me. None of this made any sense to me. I know he loves me, but it hurts so much. Since then we found out he has cancer, has had chemo, and we are "watching and waiting", we have been to counseling-as much as we could fit it. and we are trying to build out relationship fresh.<BR>But I can't let go of the hurt. He talks about it whenever I want, and answers all of my questions. But I want to forgive and let go, but I can't seem to. Also, I feel as if I can never trust him again and let down my guard. Does anybody have any suggestions. I still love him, but part of me feels stupid for still loving and trusting him.<BR><P>------------------<BR>

I sympatize with you competely and am really sorry for the you. I hate your H who kept you in dark and I feel that you must be really strong individual emotionally and spritually who did not abandom her H when he is sick and when he must be having tough time because of chemo. How very selfish of him to do this to you. I think by supporting him during his treatment you have already forgiven him - forgetting whatever happened is a different story. I hope GOD gives you all the strength and peace.

elainel,<P>We all know the hurt and disbelief you are experiencing. I discovered my H's long term affair 3 yrs ago after being married almost 30 years. I want to assure you, a new and better marriage IS possible,, lots of tears, HARD work and discussions but it IS possible. <P>Counseling is a great step. It sounds as though he is going to counseling too and hopefully showing a sincere committment to rebuild. All good signs. <P>I urge you to read ALL sections of this site. Especially the suggested book list. I know the last thing you want to do right now is read relationship books but the info you get will truly help you to recover. My favorite book after discovering the affair was "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. That book made me know that the wild range of emotions I was experiencing was not unusual,,I was not losing my mind. Great book to let you know the feelings by all parties involved and how to deal with them. Check your local library. <P>After you have read all sections of this site and understand the the Marriagebuilders concepts,, be sure to continue to post. Ask questions, seek advise and know there are (unfortunately) many people here struggling (and overcoming ) the same issues you are dealing with. <P>And most of all,,take care of YOU. You have alot on your plate to deal with right now. Make some time and take that time to take care of you. This is survivable but you have to be strong, mentally and physically. <P>Good luck to you elainel. Sorry you have to be here but you have found a good place where there are lots of caring people.

Welcome elainel,<P>What a horrifying situation!! How is your H now, as far as the cancer is concerned?<P>You love him. That's important... and you want your marriage to work out... that's also important. But you're hurt to the core, and understandably so!!<P>Let me ask you to read the following links:<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A><P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A><P>This is the place for you, elainel. The counseling you've had thus far may not have been entirely successful for many reasons. Look into the counseling offered here by clicking on this link--> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Read everything, post and read the replies you receive, and lean on us...<P>Are you a spiritual person? Prayer and meditation can be wonderfully comforting (if you can do it in the midst of this horrible confusion and pain -- I personally have a problem remembering this myself!).<P>Take care of yourself, and your H. I hope that his diagnosis wasn't what you expected, and that he is healing.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Over the next several weeks I learned....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>((((elainel))))<BR>I wanted to let you know that I understand what those weeks were like. Words cannot begin to describe the horror of having the truth slowly revealed to you. For me, the truth came out over several months.<P>There are several of us elainel, who have had to face our spouses having had multiple affairs. It seems so much worse, than a “simple” love affair, I know. There are horrible safety issues, and issues of health. So many triggers, everything seems magnified. <P>On the other hand, I’ve noticed that most of the serial cheaters are completely remorseful when caught. My W instantly ended all contact, and made her life an open book. We’ve not had to deal at all with lack of remorse, or continued contact – the issues that plague so many others in early recovery.<P>So I know just where you are elainel, at 8 months I’m there too. We want to forgive, but the pain keeps coming back. I think it’s interesting that you say you “can’t let go” of the pain, because, I think in the beginning we do hold onto our pain as a kind-of shield against trusting and risking being hurt again. <P>For me, I’m willing to let go, but this pain sometimes has a life of it’s own. After some time of good rebuilding, my W and I had a serious setback yesterday, though it has, thankfully passed. Id suggest you read her post in “Recovery”, entitled “What am I doing wrong?” She speaks of the continuing struggle that we’re in.<P>I’d also strongly suggest you try to get your H to participate in counseling, and also here, if he will. Some of our best communication sometimes comes indirectly, by saying something to others. <P>Mostly I’d suggest you insist on a very firm program of honesty with your H. Believe me, with the level of betrayal you, and I are facing, half-way measures wont cut it. This works both ways, by the way. If you’ve got any secrets at all, I’d suggest spilling them now. They will get in the way of your honest communication. I’ll tell you this – if you make it through this, you and your H will be closer than you’ve ever been. My W and I are, despite the turmoil.<P>Good luck, elainel. Please come back and let us know how you’re doing.<BR>David<BR>

To answer your question I would say, Yes, it is absolutely possible for you to forgive. What you must realize is that forgiveness is a choice you will make, not a feeling you will have. The feeling comes after....and in this case, probably long after the choice to forgive.<P>I am a Christian and I believe with all my heart in forgiveness. What I also believe is that many well-meaning people, pastors and churches included, don't tell the accurate story of forgiveness. The desire to forgive is the first step. The choice to do it is the second. What this choice means and doesn't mean is very important. Forgiveness <B>doesn't</B> mean you never talk about the offense again or that the offender is "off the hook" or doesn't have to face the consequences. What choosing to forgive <B>does</B> mean is that you make a commitment not to use the offense as a weapon against your husband. You bite your tongue during a disagreement when cutting or hurtful remarks come to mind. You don't hold it over his head to gain his cooperation or to get "good behavior" out of him.<P>Once you make the choice to forgive you will probably have to make it over and over again....sometimes multiple times in a day. This doesn't mean you aren't doing it right....it means that you have a lot to forgive and it is going to take time for it to be complete. As time goes on and you see the positives in your relationship build on each other, you will find the feelings of forgiveness in your life and you will find that you don't have to make the choice as often.<P>This is a terrible trauma and it is compounded by the cancer your husband has. You are actually facing two crises and you must give yourselves time to deal with them. Try not to confuse the two and try to also not to confuse them too much with the issues and condition of your marriage. All of them need to be dealt with and it isn't going to happen in just a few weeks. <P>These affairs are not your fault. Whatever you have or haven't done in your marriage, you didn't deserve this. Keep this in mind as you deal with all of the issues. You do have responsibility for your good and bad behavior in your marriage, but not for your husband's choices to be unfaithful. Along with the other book suggestions here, I offer my favorites.....Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, Forgive and Forget by Lewis Smedes, Experiencing God Day by Day by Henry Blackaby.<P>If you share my beliefs, I encourage you to seek God right now. He is the author of the miracle in my life and marriage and He wants to offer the same love and healing to you. If you don't have that relationship with Him or have allowed it to take a backseat in your life, I encourage you to consider seeking Him out. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.<P>You have my prayers for your marriage and for your husband's condition.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

(((((((elainel))))))) While we are by no means "there" yet, my H and I are recovering from his 2 affairs, one lasting 6 months, the other 4 years. We have been married 19 years. While I thought I forgave him when he told me and I still wanted to try to save our marriage, I realized (with the help of many here--thanks, HGB ) that I was in fact using it as a weapon. <P>OK, now I'm going to try to set up a link.... <A HREF="http://www.joycemeyer.com/help.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.joycemeyer.com/help.htm</A> (Well, what do you know--it worked! Select the article about bitterness and unforgiveness.) <P>This article really spoke to me when I was struggling with the decision to forgive. I still have days when I, too, "feel stupid for still loving and trusting him." But I know it can and will get better with time.<P>------------------<BR>"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7<p>[This message has been edited by Persevering (edited May 14, 2001).]