I’ve been reading these boards, and the rest of the material on this site, for many months now. D-Day was just over a year ago, and while I floundered with many missteps in the first few months, I’ve been doing a pretty solid Plan A since December. I am BS, age 47, H is WS, age 54. We’ve been married 16 years, together 21. My first M, H’s second. We have one child together, D age 11. H has two grown daughters. Infidelity has touched our lives before. H left his first marriage for me. And six years ago, he had a brief affair during a period of great emotional stress and confusion. But on both of these occasions we were incredibly fortunate. <P>His first marriage ended amicably and his first W went on to remarry happily. We had our share of bumps along the way, but overall we were able to make a transition to a solid blended family, with a lot of mutual support and concern. VERY unusual, I know. I was close to my stepdaughters when they were small, and I’m still extremely close to the younger one today. <P>His affair six years ago was part of a classic MLC: his mother had just died, he was at a major crossroads in his career and life’s work, OW was much younger. He was very clear at the time that he didn’t want to leave me, hadn’t stopped loving me, but he needed to do this….I held on tight through a few months of confusion and pain while he sorted things out, and then, as suddenly as it appeared, it was over, with very little withdrawal. It had been a long-distance thing, they’d only been together on 4 occasions over six months, with telephone contact in between (the era before e-mail!) <P>He came back to our marriage renewed and recommitted, grateful that I’d stood by him, and he seemed to have a greater and deeper appreciation for me than ever before. In hindsight, we made some mistakes, the biggest being no counseling. We didn’t sweep anything under the rug; in fact we had to deal with its aftermath for a long time, because my younger step-daughter knew about it (at age 15) and had been incredibly traumatized. But we never closely examined the state of our marriage, and analyzed what had made it vulnerable. <P>After that, things seemed to be happy and even stronger than before. I attributed this to maturing, becoming more settled, weathering the infidelity storm and surviving together. But… We were also leading increasingly independent lives. His work entails a lot of travel and as he became more successful, his time away from home increased. I was involved in the juggling act of managing a high-stress full-time job, school-age child, elderly parent, and way too many community and volunteer activities. In retrospect, I suppose we couldn’t have created better conditions for another affair if we’d planned it. <P>The current OW is age 26, lives in another state. They met through his work in late 99, began EA in Jan 2000, went to PA in Feb-March, I knew something was wrong but wasn’t clear what during March-April, D-Day early May. It was clear from very early on that this A was much more serious than the one six years ago, and that our marriage was much more threatened by it. The early months were particularly awful, complicated by us being in transition between homes. <P>You are all so very RIGHT in counseling everyone that this takes time – however it’s going to be resolved. I think it’s because I have a year of this battle under my belt that I feel able to post here now, and hopefully participate in a meaningful way. But my situation is far from resolved. H really has wanted to “have his cake and eat it too.” The A continues, but for the moment we seem to be stable. In an odd way, because H travels so much, it’s enabled me to have enough distance and time apart, without a separation, to get some perspective. And I’ve been working my Plan A when he’s home and when he’s away. <P>There is so much that is positive in my life right now, and I try very hard to focus on the gifts of the present, not the regrets of the past or the worries of the uncertain future. H and I still love each other, and I know he’s grateful that I have endured the hell of this past year. I know this year has made me stronger for whatever comes next, whether or not our marriage survives (and I am cautiously optimistic that it will). In recent months, there have been signs that he’s “coming out of the fog”, but I've been careful not to count too much on that. I think the vast age difference is bound to catch up with them. And Plan A has worked: I’ve been able to work on me, and also to develop some loving detachment. We’ve moved into a new home (where I want to be regardless of what happens) that H really loves too, and when he’s home our family time together has been warm, loving, and mutually supportive. He continues to rely on me as his best friend. He's been revising his travel schedule to spend more time at home, and sending emails full of missing me, D, and home. He knows that I have made a conscious choice to “hang tough” out of love for him, not neediness or panic. And my D has been spared, at least for now, the disruption of her family and loss of her father.<P>And, while I can’t call it “recovery,” H and I have also been working on the relationship between the two of us, re-building and renovating it, and working together to create something new, a stronger scaffolding for the next stage of the journey together, whatever it turns out to be. I think my Plan A might be criticized by some of you; perhaps I’ve made it too easy for him by accepting the continuation of the A. But I knew that an ultimatum wouldn't work for our marriage, and I also felt instinctively that a separation would not give us the situation we’d need to try to salvage and or repair things. <P>I have been particularly encouraged to read the posts from you “warriors” who’ve been in the trenches a really long time. Your insights and experiences have really cheered me these past months, and given me the strength, at those particularly dark moments, to keep on. Thanks to all.<P>Melanie<P><P>------------------<BR>"Go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is." -- Will Rogers

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> H left his first marriage for me. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't care how much flack I get. I AM not going to welcome any non-repentant betrayers. There are too many of them already. You got far better than you deserved.

Melanie - thanks for sharing your story despite the previous post. I understand that person's perspective very well, but I'll not judge you.<P>If what you're doing works to recover, I don't think you'll get criticism for departing from a specific path.<P>Contunued good luck to you and please jump in with your perspectives and advice for the rest of us.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited May 13, 2001).]

Hi Melanie,<P>My situation is very similar to yours; the ages are close, amount of years married, MLC, OW being much younger, H wants his cake & eat it too, says he still loves me and that I'm his best friend. Where we differ is that this is my H's first affair (or so he says), I met him a couple of years after his D from his first wife, AND D-DAY is coming up on TWO years. I'm a bit ahead of you, so I thought it might be helpful if I shared some perspective.<P>You mentioned that you and your H have been "together for 21 years, married for 16". Am I correct in assuming that you and he carried on an affair (to whatever degree) for 5 years before he finally divorced his first wife, or she divorced him? What makes you think that you aren't going to suffer the same fate for the next 3 or 4 years? Are you willing to put your life on hold until he can make a decision? A decision that most likely will not come out in your favor? Unless, of course, the OW ends it first. Then what- he moves on to another OW? I see a pattern with your H. He sounds very much like mine in that when times get tough, they get their ego gratificaton in the arms of other women, instead of coming to us. If you think that you're working on your marriage while he continues to carry on his affair, then you are deluding yourself. If you've read all the Harley material, I think you'll recall that Plan A was never meant to be longterm. After a period of time (no doubt different for everyone), your continued 'acceptance' of his behavior will be interpreted by him that you condone it.

Nellie,<P>No flack from me, you have every right to assess my situation based on that one fact, that I was an OW myself. Ive struggled with this often over the last year -- that I only got what I deserved, my punishment, what goes around comes around. And I do believe that. But I don't know if it's quite accurate to say that I'm non-repentant. I have lived with many regrets over the years, and I have also worked hard to make amends. I believe sincerely that I have been blessed by the love and understanding of many remarkable people around me, including, as hard as it may be for you to believe, my husband's first wife and his two older daughters. <P><BR>WAT,<P>Thank you for your quick reply and welcome. I thought a long, long time about posting here, but MB and all of you have helped me so very much over this year that I wanted to participate and maybe at some point, contribute and help someone else. And I knew that to do that I would be have to be completely honest about my own not-blameless past.<P>Your story has been an inspiration to me over these months. Good luck and blessings to you.<P><BR>Sidney,<P>My H and his first wife had endured many separations and a very shaky marriage for many years. They were estranged and living apart when we met and divorced very soon after. I deliberately used the phrase "he left her for me" so as not to suggest to anyone here that I was trying to cover anything up or make excuses for myself. In fact, though I was probably the last straw, they both say I was not the cause of their difficulties and that the marriage was over for them both. We waited 4 years to get married precisely because of the very compromised beginning of our relationship. We worked hard to build a relationship from the ground up, between the two of us, and to make the situation with the children as stable and loving as possible. <BR> <BR>We were very, very lucky -- luckier than most. My H's XW and I worked to build a relationship with each other. I was fortunate to have her entrust her daughters to my care when they were with us, and we all grew, as two branches of an unusual family, in love and support, over the years.<P>Thanks for your reply; since our stories are similar, I will be paying close attention to your posts!<P>Melanie<P> <P> <P>------------------<BR>"Go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is." -- Will Rogers

Melanie,<P>Welcome to the Boards! I'm glad you're here.<P>I admire your strength in continuing your Plan A through a very difficult situation. It seems to be a very wise plan to follow in your case. You are the person who knows your husband the best.<P>I hope that you find the strength and support here that you need.<P>All the best to you. And Happy Mothers Day!<BR>--HBC

Melanie, My story is also similar to yours in a lot of ways. My relationship with my H began much as you described yours. He was still married, but they had been through several separations in a marriage of less than 2 year when we met. My situation was worse because it was not a mutual decision. His XW did not want the separation. I have also suffered through the guilt, before my H's A, but even more since. His XW made it difficult to feel sorry for her by continually doing very underhanded things. More understandable in retrospect.<P>We've been together 19 years and married for 9. I have a 20 year old step-son and we have legal guardianship of H's sister's two teenaged kids. I am 49, H is 48, and OW is 22, married, with a 4 y.o. D. They lived together for 4 months before he decided to come home about 2 months ago. I think it was partly a MLC, but we had also grown apart in our lives as you describe, even though we run a business together. <P>Our relationship is still very shaky. We did counseling with Steve Harley for a while, but H is not willing to participate at this point. I think he's still in the fog and hasn't really made up his mind to recommit to the relationship. At the same time, he's going through some heavy emotional stuff characterized by depression and angry outbursts and disappearing for hours, even days, at a time. I try to plan A but his behavior sometimes makes this difficult.<P>I heard you saying that you were working on yourself, not really "putting your life on hold." As you said, you are hanging on out of love, not neediness and panic. It sounds to me like you are handling your situation with grace and honesty. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Yours, and mine too, happen to hit some raw nerves here, but I would guess most everyone has done something they feel ashamed of at some point in their life. <P>Good luck and keep posting.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by zenlady:<BR><B>I have lived with many regrets over the years, and I have also worked hard to make amends. I believe sincerely that I have been blessed by the love and understanding of many remarkable people around me, including, as hard as it may be for you to believe, my husband's first wife and his two older daughters. <BR> <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi, and welcome to Marriage Builders. First, let me share our official tour and welcome with you (just click on the links):<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A><P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A><P>I quoted the above to say that I am in a very similiar situation as you are. I met my fiance while we were both waiting for our divorces to become final, and I have been both accepted and flamed but good on these boards for that. However, I feel, as you do, that when one is regretful and repentant for the past choices, that God can and does, work to bring love and blessings into a broken life.<P>In my case, I have also received both from my fiance's ex-wife and his two children. My children have also been accepting (they are older though - two adults, one son nearly 17). <P>You will receive very good advice here, and some wonderful support. There will be those who will disagree, but you can gain great insight from them as well -- <B>Nellie</B>, in fact has let me know she disagrees with some (even most) of my choices, but has been *there for me* and understanding of my pain, regardless. <P>Keep an open mind, and an open heart <B>zen</B>. Thank you for explaining that you were indeed repentant. I do not think you "deserved" what you got -- nobody does.<P>Take care <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

HBC—<P>Thanks for your welcome. I have spent many long hours over many months, here at MB and it has truly been a lifeline. You are all the most amazing and generous people!<P><BR>Lets Try –<P>I really appreciate that you have some first hand understanding of the kind of situation I described. I’ve kept up with your journey and I think you’ve been doing a remarkable job. I am fortunate because it really has been not too difficult to do Plan A (there were a few LB in the first few months, quite spectacular, with major fireworks). But in many ways (except for the fact of the A!!!) things are very good between H and me. And no, I’m not in denial, just stating a fact. H and I both know how shaky and precarious our marriage is, but we are moving forward, in our own way, anyway. The fact is, for us, we may or may not have our marriage long term, but we both know that we will always have a relationship. And that’s what we’re working with, for now. You’re right, I haven’t put my life on hold, not at all. I have always lived by the philosophy, “walk on the bridge, don’t build on it” and that’s what I am trying to do, right now.<P><BR>New Beginning –<P>Thanks for your kind words. I’m glad I took the time to explore the MB site and follow the discussions on these threads for the past months before posting. It’s made a huge difference in my life. And it prepared me for Nellie’s post, which I greatly appreciated, however much it made me flinch. But if I’m going to be here, and participate, I will be honest with all of you, and obviously that’s not a fact of my life that I could conveniently edit out. My stepdaughters were very small when H and I first met, and I have been a part of their lives for a very long time. The younger one (22) says she can’t remember life without me. And we are very close; she is a child of my heart, if not my flesh, and we have a relationship that is very special, and one that has had the blessing and gratitude of her mother and father. <P>But, you know, I think I did deserve what I’ve got. I think we all create our own reality and build up our karmic debts (hope I’m not being too New-Age-y for folks here). And I think I am learning a very hard lesson that I needed to learn. I took responsibility for my actions and decisions, and made amends as best I could, but I never really felt like an OW or a home-wrecker, believe it or not. Because of our particular situation, and the fact that all of us adults in the situation were able to make it work, and even bring strengths and stability to our blended family that hadn’t been there before, it was possible to avoid the very real pain that I had been partner to creating. Not anymore…I think it has been important for me to gain the insight and develop a different level of empathy that I was able to avoid, for a very long time…..<P>I will continue to read here, and hope to post and join the various dialogues. I thank you all for your insight and support more than you know. And it’s the very diversity of perspectives that makes this site so special.<P>Melanie<BR> <BR><P>------------------<BR>"Go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is." -- Will Rogers