My husband fell out of love with me about 8 months ago. We tried to get the love back by ourselves (he refused counseling), but it did not work. He has now fallen in love with another women (they barely know each other but he has built up love for her inside him - sort of forcing himself to feel love again, her feelings are not as deep as his). They have kissed lightly and that is all, I believe this to be true.<P>He has shut off contact with her and is trying counseling with me. The problem is that he does not want our marriage to work. He is adamant that he is in love with her now and does not want me. He says he is only going to counseling because he owes me "one last chance". But he is not truly giving it to me. <P>His girlfriend is waiting for him to resolve his marriage. He is planning on going back to her as soon as he proves counseling will not work for us. <P>5 weeks ago I believe counseling could have saved our marriage(pre-girlfriend), now I find it hard to have hope. The whole reason he wants out is because he believes the kids and I would be better off without him, he is a horrible person and I am wonderful, he doesn't deserve me. This other woman gives him the balls to leave and force us away from him, so we can live "a better life".<P>I don't know if I should continue counseling or if it is a lost cause since he won't even try... We've only been to one session. We've been married almost 8 years and have 3 wonderful kids.

hurt,<P>I am so sorry to hear your pain. You've come to the right place. There are a lot of folks here who know first hand how you are feeling.<P>I would encourage you to look at the other articles on this site. Dr. Harley has had a lot of success saving "hopeless" marriages. I think you will find inspiration if you read.<P>I would suggest that you continue counseling, but make sure your counselor believes that the marriage can be saved. It can. The fact that your husband believes "he doesn't deserve you" suggests that it can.<P>Show your husband a lot of love. Try to relive some of the experiences you and he had when you were first falling in love. Somehow so many of us forget to keep working on the love in a marriage.<P>Hang in there. Keep checking back and let us know how you are doing.<P>All the best.<BR>--HBC

I'm in sort of the same situation as you - my husband has told me that even if his relationship with the OW doesn't work out, that he still doesn't want me. He wants 'out' and tells me constantly to go and 'live my life how I want to', that he doesn't want to tie me down. I know from what he has confided to his relatives that he feels pretty guilty over the way he's treated me during our marriage, and also guilty that he's been such a poor father to our kids (nothing 'bad', just the fact that work always came first and he had neither time or patience for them).<P>BUT....<P>I hang onto the fact that he has not yet filed for divorce - he has no grounds to do this, but I have told him that I won't divorce him and it will have to be him divorces me if that's what he wants. So far he has moved out, but there have been no attempts at divorce. That gives me hope. The other thing to remember is that the WS's emotions are just as up and down as the BS's - one day my husband is telling me that he will NEVER be in love with me again and he doesn't want to give our marriage even a single chance - then a few days later he'll admit to 'Still being very mixed up' and that my decision not to sell our house and to stay in America (I'm British), for the next few months is the 'right one'. I haven't even suggested counselling as I KNOW what his response would be at the moment - as far as he's concerned he's madly in love with the OW, she is his 'soulmate', and he is willing to wait for her to decide whether she wants to leave her own husband or not. <P>Quite often the affair has to develop in order to destroy itself. At the moment the wayward couple are living in a 'fantasy bubble' of romantic dinner dates, hand-in-hand strolls in the park, lively and fascinating conversations, finding out all the new things about each other. Of course it's all so wonderful - but it's not real. They don't see that because they're IN the bubble, protected from real life. But bubbles are very fragile and eventually Real Life creeps in and starts to disturb their perfect romantic world. Guilt feelings, financial worries, finding out about each others less attractive habits - all eventually lead to arguments and disappointment and the bubble bursts.<BR>It may be that you have to stand back and allow this relationship to 'happen' before it ends, I hope not - but you have to be prepared for that. It all takes time and a hell of a lot of hope on your part, but we are here to help you through the bad times, give advice and lend a shoulder to cry on. Just don't give up just yet - keep hanging on and keep telling yourself how strong you are. You have a lot of sturdy, secure things on your side, whereas he's clinging to a fragile fantasy. Keep pulling!!!<BR>hugs, Paint

Read up on plan A in this site.<P>Be the best wife you can be. Be worth keeping. Right now you have competition, you have to try to be exciting again. Keep fighting for your marriage. It's not too late until you are divorced, and then sometimes it's still not too late.<P>What was your pre-marriage days like? What made him fall in love with you? Can you focus on trying to get these things back?