I've just spoken to my WH on the 'phone - we had mutual friends staying with us over the weekend and although he made the effort to go out with us for dinner on the Friday night and spent the day with us on Saturday, he didn't turn up today - not even to say 'goodbye' before they left. He said that he just couldn't stand being around the kids on Saturday, their whingeing and whining just made him want "to run away" as he put it. In a couple of weeks time we had all booked to go on a 3-week vacation back to England as our daughters are being bridesmaids at my husbands brothers wedding. I decided 2 weeks ago that I was NOT going to go with them - many reasons, but basically I need time alone to sort myself out after all the trauma I've been through. I know that my husband wasn't particularly pleased at this decision as it means that he has to have sole responsibility of looking after our children for most of this vacation, although their grandparents will take them for 1 week. He has now told me that he really doesn't know how he's going to be able to cope with them. I think he's in withdrawal as the OW is still living with her husband and they have not seen each other for the past 3 weeks - although they are still in contact via e-mail (and possibly telephone, not sure) <P>I now have a decision to make - should I go with them or stay here? I know that our families would love me to go, and that our children would be much safer if I was taking responsibility for them (my husband hasn't a clue how to look after kids, and is always forgetting to carry my daughters emergency epi-pen around with him in case she has an anaphylactic reaction to nuts). I know that if I stay here I will have to get over the constant worry that they are OK - I've never been apart from them for longer than a week before and that time they were in the very capable hands of my MiL, who I trust implicitly with their safety. I also have to cope with the knowledge that far from bringing dh and the kids closer together, it might just add more fuel to the fire and convince him that living alone is a far more enjoyable option for him! However, If I do go with them then I lose my chance of 3 weeks of blissful solitude and freedom. It also means that I will be staying in our holiday cottage with the kids, while my husband stays with his mother 20 miles away - so again I will have sole responsibility for them and be tied down. I'll also have to go back on my original decision - which I am pretty sure my husband is 'expecting' me to do and I want to show him that I can be independant. Finally, I am wary that my husband may secretly take an earlier flight back and take possession of the house OR in someway prevent me and the kids getting back to America - hiding our passports or visa's, cancelling our return tickets etc. I don't think he would stoop so low, but I can't be 100% sure and I don't want to take any chances.<P>What would you do - any advice?

Paintbox,<P>Boy, I really don't know, I'll think about it and see if I have any ideas.<P>You are right in that if your H's affair is ending he may be in withdrawal. Continued contact, even via email, will probably make it last a lot longer. As you may know, Dr. Harley considers an A as being an addiction, with a certain withdrawal period needed to get over it. Each new contact tends to "reset" the time required to get through it.<P>Maybe someone else will have some better thoughts here.<P>Steve

Hmmmm - my WH just rang me back. He told me that he's going to try and change the tickets so that they go a week later and only stay for 2 weeks. He's also going to try and cancel my ticket and get the money back on it. He said that he hates the thought of going back to England on vacation and is only doing it for his brother's wedding. He also said that he knows he will 'run' if he has to cope with any more pressure. <P>Really he has summed up what I have already decided the real reason is for all this, the affair etc. Basically he feels a failure as a husband, a failure as a father, he's under immense pressure at work with the 'life or death' situation of the company's future in his hands. Midlife and the thought of turning 40 has hit him really hard and being the eldest son, it has always been up to him to take responsibility and sort out all his families many, many crisis's (It was mainly because of family pressures that he wanted to 'run away' to America in the first place). It's pretty obvious that he's trying to 'run away' from all his responsibilities. The OW made him feel young, has no children, is financially independant because she has her own career and is only ever happy and optimistic when they are together - she arranges everything, she decides where they eat, she plans and prepares picnics - she's 'responsibility - free', an escape from all the pressures of life, from whingeing kids and a financially dependant and depressed wife. He has already told me that he has absolutely no desire to go back to England to live in the foreseeable future, and he hardly ever 'phones his family. It's as though he wants to completely forget his whole life and start all over again, a new life - and to him, that also means 'getting rid' of his wife and children too - we are chains around his ankles, tying him down when all he wants is freedom.<P>I can understand it completely - what Mother doesn't feel 'tied down' sometimes by her chores, her kids, her responsibilities? But Mothers just don't leave their kids and run away - society frowns on that big time, so we grit our teeth, sacrifice our dreams and put up with it - because the love we have for our families is strong enough to see us through the bad times. My husband is trying to reject everything to do with his 'old life' no matter what society, or his family thinks of that. Unfortunately (or fortunately!), he is still bound by some very strong chains that are going to be hard to break - he aches for freedom, but can't break free. I know that those chains could be loosened, if we both worked on it - but ultimately he has to learn to accept that they will never be broken, the same as I have had to accept my own chains in life. Eventually he will learn that no matter how far he 'runs', those chains will follow him - he will always have a responsibility towards our children, towards his brothers and sisters and parents, he will have to accept the responsibilities of a career in order to live, to meet his duties as a father, and to afford some of the freedom that he wants, i.e. travel and adventure. There is no escape, and most people learn to live in harmony with their chains, working to make them stretchy and flexible so that there's some 'give' in them, balancing freedom and pleasure with the burden of responsibility - not struggling against them all the time.<P>Sorry to ramble, anyway - the decision of whether or not to go back to England looks as though it might be taken out of my hands anyway, so I won't waste my time worrying about it any more! I'm just dealing with one hour at a time...<P>Best wishes, Paint.<p>[This message has been edited by Paintbox (edited May 13, 2001).]