Aaargh! <P>This is long, but I want to create the senario properly to know if I unwittingly created a lovebuster today:<P>I did very well this a.m. I was ready for him not to have anything for me for Mother's Day. I knew he had not planned anything. I didn't comment or act disappointed.<BR>My boys were so sweet, they made micro sausage and toast (warm bread) for my breakfast and gave me their presents they had made in school. H uttered a half-sleep "Happy Mother's Day."<BR>We went to church. A breakthrough, because we have not been to church as a family in several months! The sermon had some great food for thought. "Are you living life for yourself or are you living God's plan." <BR>I resolved to make most of the Mother's Day dinner. I rationalized that it would keep me busy (and, I really do LOVE to cook.)<BR>But once we got to his Mom's, he found other things to do. He even left to play ball. She was very hurt. When he finally came back, he still did not sit down to eat with us. I said that I really didn't understand why no one was eating with the "mothers". I didn't yell, but I was upset so I went outside to cool off. He followed me and asked me what was wrong. I told him I was hurt and disappointed that he had not done anything for me for MD. I said I expected it, but was still hurt. Then, I said I didn't understand why he was treating his mother the same way...<BR>He said, now that I've blown it what can I do? I told him I didn't know (cause I really don't---make-up gifts and apologies don't heal the hurt.)<BR>Once inside. I asked him if it was because he was expected to do something just because of a Hallmark day that he didn't or, was something more upsetting him. Didn't he know his mother was hurt? Did he know what she wanted out of Mother's Day?<P>He seemed really surprised to find out that she was hurt. She said "my children know what I want on Mother's Day." I said, Have you put it into words?" That's when he chimed in that she hadn't. <P>Then it blew up and he got all balled up. She was on the verge of tears. I was shocked. She has supported me regarding keeping the marriage together and he resents her advice. He keeps saying she won't let him make his own decisions. Lots of repressed anger here that I didn't realize went so deep.<P>I know this was long, but did I create a Lovebuster situation? Any advice for the future "celebration" days? I told her (H's mom) privately that she probably should refrain from advice while we get through this mine field. That, if she disagrees with him, she should tell him and leave it at that.<P>Thanks for anyone with some wise words.<P>Cali

Hmmmm - I don't think it started out as a lovebuster when you told him exactly what was hurting you, but it kinda grew into one didn't it? The thing is, don't worry about it - it's just one 'penny' out of the account that will very soon be paid back. I've thrown more love-busters in the direction of my WH than I care to remember, none of them were deliberate or planned, they just sort of happened before I realised what I was doing! As long as you're taking two steps forward for every step back then you'll get there in the end.<P>I was disappointed today too - my husband (who moved out nearly 3 weeks ago) firstly forgot to help the kids do anything for the British Mother's Day back in March - I was really disappointed because we're British and we always celebrate this Mother's Day as it's easier - 'cos we have to remember to send our own Mothers their gifts, back in England. Anyway, I let him know I was disappointed (This was before D-Day) and he said that he thought we were celebrating the American Mother's Day this year, seeing as we lived here now. Well, here it is, and he forgot - or didn't bother - to help the kids make cards or shop for a gift. My girls remembered though, and worked hard to draw me cards and make me bunches of paper flowers, so that was nice. I could quite easily 'forget' Father's Day and see how he likes it - but that really would be a deliberate love buster wouldn't it?<P>Ah well,<BR>Happy Mother's Day to you, from me anyway!<BR>Paint

My own personal reaction is that you didn't really cause that situation. I don't think it was an LB towards your H by you. If anything, it was more between your H and his mum. <P>There are issues your H has with his mum that go so deep (as you said). I can relate to that. My H has a lot of resentment and anger towards his parents, he too feels that they never let him make his own decisions.<P>I feel that you have such strong feelings of love for your H, that 'protective nature', that you just don't want to see him hurt. I'm like that with my H. It hurts me so much inside to know that he's hurting. I want only to help him to ease his pain. And it frustrates the h*ll out of me to know that he's the only one who can do that!<P>Back to my point here (grin), don't let what happened hang on your shoulders. It's not your fault. There are issues that your H and MIL have to work out themselves. All I can suggest, is that you just be there to listen.<P>Karen

Thanks for some wise words.<P>This lovebuster vs. emotional needs part of plan A is hard.<BR>I am having difficulty meeting his EN's because I am not quite sure what they are. (He won't do the questionairre.) In listening to him say what the OW provides, I'm guessing his need to be listened to and validated. He keeps saying his opinions and decisions don't matter. <P>But, he won't talk to me about the same things he talks to her about. How do I have a chance to meet that need?<P>We've gone out two weekends in a row; and I plan to make it more--but he seems to keep a part of himself separate from me. I can feel him pining to call her. We're having fun and all of a sudden he gets distant.<P>We are working out in the garage almost every night. I am taking pains to make myself look more attractive and have lost 25 lbs.<P>I guess I want overnight results. I want him (like in the movies) to realize suddenly and dramatically that he doesn't want to lose his family and that he does love me....<P>Again, thanks for helping me through this emotional mine field.<P>Cali<P>