Hi,<P>I'm a newcomer here. Not fully up on all the acryonyms you all are using yet!<P>A sad story:<P>I've been cheating on my wife for over 2 years. During that time I was probably with her intimately 2-3 times per week. During that time, the OW fell in love with me. I love her too. But I also love my wife and young children. A couple of months ago, I told my wife everything. (I was not caught) She was devastated, of course. Now we're trying to get back on track. Things are going okay. We function mostly normally and the kids are happy. But we still can't get intimacy right.<P>My wife is great. I love her dearly. Romantically, however, I'm not interested at all. I don't know what it is, exactly. She does everything I need with respect to the house, family, friends, etc. I should be clinging to her and never let go. She's a pretty woman, and I used to find her attractive. But for some reason the chemistry seems gone or something. I find she is not nearly as attractive to me as the OW (my wife is skinny, yet I think she's fat, etc). And sex with her was probably never as good as it was every time with the OW- I know that is partly a mirage, but it still seems that way.<P>I broke it off with the OW several months ago. When she was so devastated by the breakup, she convinced me to remain friends. We've been friends successfully so far, although its a little difficult. We communicate quite platonically via email regularly, and we've met briefly (and innocently) a couple of times. That doesn't seem to be a problem. But when I'm mad at my wife or stressed, I still want to be with the OW. I've resisted. I know she would take me back in a heartbeat.<P>So now I'm trying to figure out what to do. I could stay with my wife and try to rekindle the love that appears to be gone. Or I can proceed with the OW where it seems to already exist. There are many reasons I shouldn't- my family is all impacted, including my children that I love dearly, and my wife gets a short end of the stick. Urgh. On the other hand, I find my wife completely unattractive now, and I don't see that changing. How do I change it? Until I do, I won't be romantic to her, so she'll reciprocate my unattracted feelings....<P>Advice?<P>deadmanwalking

Deadmanwalking, you are not alone. I too am a Ws now in recovery for about 3 months.<P>OM and I used to always beg each other to stay friends always. That was impossible especially when I confessed to H and he emailed OM a death threat.<P>It is very hard to break contact but so important. You won't find your W attractive until you end the friendship. The betrayal continues as you keep touch and know in yourself you are preferring the OW. <P>I am not a psychiatrist and certainly not here to judge you. But I wonder if your shame is turned around...maybe you are protecting yourself from the truth of hurting your W? You admit your wife is attractive but you are not seeing her that way anymore. <P>Affairs tend to mess up our thinking and it takes time to process all our thoughts after confession/discovery.<P>It is good you are here. Many will reach out to you. We are here to listen to you. We give advice from our own experiences and pain on either side of the fence. We do not judge. Keep posting as it will help you.<P>Why did you first fall in love with your wife? How did OW enter your life? <P>You have kids, you mention. Whatever happens, it sounds like you are a good Dad. Keep considering their need for you to be there for them no matter what.<P>Hope this has been helpful. Others will be along soon to listen and answer. <P>Thanks for posting.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

You said what your wife IS doing. What is she NOT doing? How old is the other woman? Is she much younger than your wife? How can your wife be skinny yet fat? Is it that she is just out of shape after having kids? Aren't you afraid of contracting a sexually transmitted disease? Don't kid yourself into actually believing that this other woman is in love with your married self. I seriously doubt it... but that's just my 2 cents' worth.<P>I admire you for telling your wife, obviously you want to do the right thing and if she is willing to forgive you, that says a great deal about her character. She might be hurting and just trying to get past it. Then again, she might just be afraid of being on her own and willing to live with a cheater who might very well do it again. You didn't mention your wife's attitude or reaction to your lack of passion for her. I'm sure she can notice it too.<P>Whatever you suggest that she do to spice it up is going to make her wonder if that is what your other woman was/is like so it's going to be tough. In the meantime, you can try to find out what she needs and how you can go about meeting her needs.<P>The only advice I can offer is just to please cut off the friendship. Really let the other woman know that you are seriously trying to work things out. Remaining friends with her only undermines your marriage and continues to keep your wife at a disadvantage because you are going to be constantly comparing them. Either you want to work it out or you don't. Remaining friends is only going to keep the temptation in front of you and make you miserable. Don't you think so? Do you believe in God?

Listen to the others,it's great advice.Number one BREAK IT OFF!Show your wife you are realy trying,build up that love bank account.Then look deep inside and find where the love went.You can get it back.Be patient and loving and pray. NTK

The others here are right. The only way for you to get beyond this and concentrait on your marriage is for you to stop ALL contact with the OW.<P>In your writeup you talk only about your feelings and needs. What do you know about your wife's. You said "But we still can't get intimacy right." You had a two year affair. That gave you two years to process things. Your wife has had two months. It is too early to expect her to be able to "move on". Especially since you have not fully recommitted to your her and your marriage. As long as you keep the OW (other woman) in the wings you are not committed to your marriage. How on earth could you wife "get it right" in bed right now? You are basically asking her to perform, perform better then the OW or you are going to go back to the OW. No one could possibly keep their sanity and romantic feelings under those circumstances. No you, no her. You many not have told your wife that you are constantly comparing her to the OW, but believe me she knows. It is amazing how much we communicate to our partners without saying a word.<P>Have you read the books by Dr. Harley? It does not sound like you have. I'd suggest starting with the book "Surviving an Affair". Both you and your wife will benefit from reading that book and the other books by Dr. Harely.<P>Good Luck<BR>E

Something else...<P>I asked my H if during the time he was having his affairs, if he ever thought I might be doing the same thing. He said that no, he never even wondered about it. He said that he is so secure in my love for him that he knew he did not have to worry about it.<P>So I then asked him if he it ever dawned on him that I was lonely and felt neglected all that time. That I was vulnerable to having an affair because of his neglect. He was also not meeting my emotional needs. I think that now that I know of my H's affairs, even though we are working on our marriage, that I am more vulnerable to having an affair myself. More vulnerable to says.. this marriage is just not worth the effort if it makes me feel so bad.<P>So, next time you look at your wife. Realize that she is not just some patsy that will put up with anything slung her way. Realize that you have responsbility in your marriage to make it right.<P>My H has told me that he is the one who brought broke our marriage so he feels it is his responsbility to lead the way in fixing it. He has not only said that but he is doing it. That has gone a long way to build my faith back in him.<P>Sorry if this seems harsh but it is reality.<P>E<BR>

dEAD-----SCROLL TO THE TOP OF GENERAL QUESTIONS11 AND CLICK MARRIAGE BUILDERS FORUM. Scroll down to Just Found Out and click. You will find Welcome topic. Read read read. The information will astound you. Find Most memerable posts. There are WS (thats you) posts that will help you understand your own feelings and situation. You will learn about the FOG (which you are in) in which many WS were at one time willing to give up their family, carreer, life for OP. Please read. I'll try to get someone to post the above with links. I do not know how to do this. Please do not make any decision about your family untill you have spent many hours reading here. At least you will have a better understand of yourself and present view of your wife. Post again after reading.<P>------------------<BR>Marry

Hello DMW,<P>Please use the link for <A HREF="http://http-sitehttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>.<P>I hope this helps! <P>