my H (WS) is friends with OW's sister also and she has invited us to the wedding. He intends to go and I believe he intends for the whole family to go. How do I handle this one? Am working on Plan A and doing fairly well at this time. The atmosphere at home is much more relaxed and we have been able to talk about non-issues in a civil, almost friendly manner and LB's are being avoided for a large percentage of the time, however, this one is a tough situation. My son and OW's son are friends as the families have gotten together for social events and I feel this may come up as a manipulative item to try to get me to agree to going to the wedding. I want to avoid LBing, but do I have to subject myself to this and how do I handle it without setting us back in Plan A? Thanks for all your help and input.......you guys are great!!<BR>lonelyheart

Wow, this is a toughie. Don't you have to change the air in you tires that day? <P>Seriously, what's the status of the affair? What's your H's committment to the marriage right now?<P>WAT

Plan A does not mean that you allow yourself to be treated in a disrespectful manner. If your H wants to put you through this then he has not respect for you and does not care for your feelings at all.<P>I would be a love buster to make a huge sceen for no good reason. But it is not a love buster to tell your H that you will not do this. It is also not a love buster to tell him that if he or your children attend without you that he will be seriously damaging what little is left of your relationship. <P>If you cannot say with to him without loosing it, write him a letter explaining it.<P>Do not allow him to degrade you like this. It is emotionally abusive. Remember you are the wife and you need to hold your head up. <P>MHO<BR>E

Hi worthatry & zorweb,<P>Thanks for the input. As far as the status of the affair, worthatry, it is still an ongoing EA only at this point. They commuicate daily via e-mail, IM, online chat, and telephone. H says he won't give up his best friend and that he isn't sure he has what it takes or even the want-to to try to put our marriage back together. He also says though that he won't throw away 18+ years of a relationship without trying, but told me not to expect anything. He does seem to be trying right now because he treats me better in some ways than a few weeks ago, but I think it is because he is still trying to get me to accept the "friendhship". Such a roller coaster ride, but I'm hanging in there.(I HATE roller coasters!) Anyway, thanks again. Got to get ready for work. Have a good day. <BR>lonelyheart

lonelyheart - Wow again, I'm not confident I have a good recommendation. Let's think of the options:<P>1. You submit and go. He gets what he wants and you don't LB, but you take the abuse. One good thing is that OW and her H have to see you with your H. What better place than at a wedding.<P>2. You stand your ground on principles, but avoid lovebusting. Your H, in his fog, can't understand your "childish" reaction to his innocent friendship and goes alone - free in his fog bank in a romantic setting with OW within eyesight.<P>3. You LB by complaining to your H that this is a big insult to you, whether you go or not. He's amazed at your accusations.<P>Maybe there's more that you can think of. If your Plan A is going as good as you think, I think you HAVE to go, stomach the abuse, and not lovebust.<P>Have you spoken to the OW's H? Think about it.<P>WAT

Hate to say it but I think worthatry is right. I know it's a 100% change in my outlook on this. You do have some time to think this through. To think through how you will find the strength.<P>My heart goes out to you.<BR>E

Good morning WAT & Zorweb,<P>WOW!! Talking with you all really puts things in perspective and into a different light. Let me throw in a couple of curves to add to the mix and see what you come up with. I've been thinking along the same lines as you all; that I may have to go and be woman enough and tough enough to withstand the abuse and hurt of the situation with God's strength and help. However, here is the kicker: the OW's sister is aware of the situation and has read correspondence between my H and OW and knows the score. She has talked to both of them about ruining the families they now have and how this type of relationship between a man and woman married to other people is wrong. So, by me going to the wedding, it would help my H prove, (or at least make it look like), there is nothing wrong in our marriage, (although he has told OW's sister there is), and get the sister off his back so to speak. The other curve is, the OW's husband will see us together and my H will be sure to be very lovey-dovey with me to show HIM there's nothing but friendhship between the two of them. WHAT A MESS!! Of course, all this is speculation on my part, but know my H is trying to get me to accept the "friendship" so we can continue as before. That way he has me and her. The sister talked to my H pretty plainly about what they're doing and how it hurts me and makes me feel and how OW's husband is very upset about the situation also and no, I havent' talked to him about it yet. There are some very serious safety concerns if he really finds out how close they are and there are 3 young children involved so we have to be very careful. The sister warned my H how dangerous the OW's husband could be. We certainly don't need 3 children left with only 1 parent among them. Well, have ramble enough. Keep this in your prayers please. I believe God is working in this daily and that my H is under conviction. I am trying to be patient,(not my strong suit....lol), and to rely on Him. Have a good day all. Talk to you later and thanks again.<P>Love & prayers,<BR>lonelyheart/Jan

Jan - just checking on you - yep, you sure tossed some curves. You have to settle for the approach with the least downside since none are perfect. What did you decide?<P>WAT

Hi worthatry;<P>Thanks for the response. I haven't decided what to do yet. Things took a turn yesterday and I'm not sure what is going to happen now. H met with the OW supposedly without me knowing it, but I suspected it all along and when the school called him that our son was sick could we pick him up, it was confirmed. H had no choice then but to call me to go to the school as he was out of town at that point and couldn't. His whole attitude has been different since yesterday. We were supposed to ge together with OW's family this weekend for a social event and now that is not happening and H is very upset about this. Says I changed all the rules of this association. We are to sit down and talk tonight after kids go to bed. I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall, so to speak, because he is so devastated for some reason since the meeting yesterday. Think she feels guilty but doesn't have the strength to back off completely and give us the space we need to work on our marriage. I think if she tries, he won't let her. my feeling is that he may want out of our marriage totally and that is what I'm going to hear tonight. He wants me to accept their friendship and be o.k. with it and for our families to get together socially. If they hadn't let their relationship progress to the point where it is now, that might have been possible. Sometimes I want to try and go back so that part will be out of the way and we can work on our marriage.......at least he'd be happy, but where would I be and what would I be able to give? Will keep you posted. He still hasn't mentioned the wedding so we'll see.Also, a real strange thing happened yesterday too. I got an IM from OW on yahoo telling me to have a good day that she didn't go to work until night and had to get going and clean her house. This within an hour or so of when she was to meet my husband knowing I didn't (or at least wasn't supposed to know) about it. Can't decide if it was guilt or a slap ;in the face......guess I'll never know. Have a good weekend. Look forward to hearing from you again soon.<P>Jan