My H had a PA for about five months and now it is an EA because OW moved out of state. H. still lives at home and has been contemplating what he wants to no avail. <BR>H. recently told me that he has a fear of re-offending! He says that simply because he never thought he would be capable of an affair in the first place but he managed to get himself involved in one anyway and he doesn't think he would be capable of it again but who knows, so now it is a fear of his...<P>Should this be a huge warning sign for me to run or have other WS's felt the same way?? If you have felt the fear of re-offending, please tell me how many affairs you have had. Please advise!<P>Thanks!<P>

Dear Wife,<P>I am not a WS, but I can share some information that was given to me by a marriage counselor that my H and I saw for a long time. My H told me twice that no one would blame him for if he had an affair on me. The counselor said that what my H said was very telling and that at that at the time he said it, he was most definitely planning on it or felt almost positive that he would have an affair. And sure enough, he eventually had an EMR in which he lived with the XOW for about four months that I know of.<P>This is a huge red flag, IMHO. Please talk to your counselor (if you have one) and get advise on how to proceed. Ideally, it would be best for your H to be in therapy to prevent him from relapsing. That he gave voice to his fear of relapsing would give me great cause for concern.<P>Please remember - don't take your H's behavior personally. This is not about you or your shortcomings or anything that you have done; this is about your H's internal weakness.<P>((hugs))<P>belldandy

No, I have no fear of reoffending. I never thought I was capable of this, but I did not understand how vulnerable I was either. Now I know how this stuff works, and will either repair or leave my current marriage. But should I stay, or marry again, I know now how marriage and affairs work, and I will never put myself in such a position again. This was not trivial for either of us, and I doubt ow would ever do so again either, we were friends (and both been with our spouses 28 years) who came to meet each others EN in a big way, and doubt our spouses will ever do so (or we them, and that is just reality), but that is another issue. The only issue now is what does duty and vows require, loveless marriages the rest of our lives, or the courage to decide whether our marriages should continue, and act on it.

Just a word of encouragement...<BR>My H cheated and also thought that he would never violate our marriage. However, in the midst of recovery, he also said that he could not give me reassurance because he never would have imagined that he would have done this at all. His image of himself had been so shaken. he had lost his picture of himself. Anyway, almost 2 years later he can tell me very sincerely and honestly that he would never do it again. At this point, we have learned how to meet each others needs and I feel more confidence than I thought I could in our marriage. I think early in recovery, he wasn't able to honestly give me reassurance. <BR>Be encouraged in his honest answers and work from there. If he still can not give you reassurance after a proper healing time, then I would re-evaluate.

I am a WS and I can tell you without a doubt that I will never go down this road again. The pain that everyone goes through is gutwrenching and something I never want to see first hand again. And while it's true I never thought I was the kind of person who would do something like this I know now for sure that I could never do it again. I got lost in an abyss of emotional pain and I have now learned how to deal with things a little better. I am stronger and although this isn't the path I would have chosen I have learned an enormous amount about myself and what I need in my life and in relationships. I am separated now though and I hope and pray that my husband will one day be able to forgive me.