Please advise me. My wife and I have been married for 21 years and I am more in love with her today than ever before. I have often described our marriage as "an extended honeymoon". We have three children, all rebellious with ADD and out of control behaviors, which have created a lot of stress on our marriage, especially in the past 2 or 3 years. Our teens have done an excellent job of "divide and conquer" bringing out our differences in our approach to disclipline.<BR>Last year, my wife, 46, who is peri-menapausal, depressed, and may be having a mid-life crisis, and does have MS, said she was thinking about leaving me. I was very shaken. We took a vacation to Ft. Lauderdale as a sort of "second honeymoon" to get away from the kids, stress, etc. It was at this time that I proposed that we recommit to the marriage. She began to cry and say "I can't". She went on to describe this "wall" between us. That was one year ago today. Now we are hanging on by a thread, although she abruptly altered her recent plans (as she was planning to leave me around Easter) when our oldest son (20) attempted suicide. She then decided to stay, at least for now. Yet, there is no intimacy, no sex, she puts forth no effort to work on the marriage, stays gone too much, is unaccountable with her time, cell phone is often turned off, etc. Then I discovered the enormous number of calls on her cell phone bill to her former employer's residence, where he lives alone. I overheard the tail end of one conversation to him, in which she lied to me, saying it was her female friend (although I could clearly hear a man's voice). Later I checked the phone statement, and confirmed that it had indeed been him. Then I overheard a bit more last week. On the phone with him, she puts me down, is being very judgemental of me (i.e., everything is my fault), tells him how much money she has saved up for her big move, is very intimate in the information she gives to him about us, and ends the conversation with "I love you". When I confronted her that I knew about these excessive calls to him, she asserted that she is not having an affair and that she has never been unfaithful to me sexually, and that he is a "friend" and "counselor". I told her that there is no way that we can work on our marriage as long as she maintains that friendship with him. She has not let it go, as of this past Thursday, and I know that she still lies to me. She says our marriage is at the "brink of disaster" (her perception is that it is much worse than I see it) after reading a little booklet on how to improve your marriage ("When Bad Things Happen To Good Marriages") that a friend gave us. This, at least, represents a first step for her in over a year! She has been unwilling to do anything to rebuild our marriage until now. I agreed with her that the booklet did seem a bit trite for our situation, and suggested that we do a workbook from "Marriage Builders". I told her that MB had the best information on saving marriages of anything I have seen. My question is, What do some of you, who know more about these things than I, reccomend as a first step? I have copied a summary of Dr. Harley's basic concepts for her to read. Then I thought about the "Five Steps to Romantic Love". I know she still loves me and we are strong Christians (although her faith is low at this time). Is it too late for us? Any thoughts? Suggestions? Desperately need a guide.<BR>

It isn't too late my friend.<BR>Stay strong...it is still possible to work this through.<BR>You have taken the most important step...you've acknowledged the problem, and asked for help.<BR>Believe me, this site is one of the best places I've seen for support and knowledge...you will find many caring, supportive people here who will do what they can to help you through this.<BR>Your situation is a very difficult one, and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. <BR>Your road is not going to be easy for a while, but we will be here for you.<BR>I'm not sure what to offer you in terms of advice, but here are some links to articles that I'm sure you'll find helpful.<BR>If at all possible, have your wife read the one titled 'The Emotional Affair - the day my husband read it was the first time he acknowledged the emotional aspect of his affair...it really helped him to open his eyes and become sorry for what he had done...<BR><A HREF="http://www.relationship-institute.com/freearticles_detail.cfm?article_ID=156" TARGET=_blank>The Emotional Affair</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3800_honestyhtml" TARGET=_blank>The Rule Of Honesty</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement</A><BR>In the interest of making your eyes red and sore <BR>I would also recommend that you get a copy of His Needs, Her Needs, How to Affair Proof Your Marrage by Harley.<BR>It's stocked in most Christian book stores, but can also be ordered by Chapters and Indego.<BR>It is full of fantastic information on how to restore love in a marriage.<BR>I hope you find some of this helpful...<BR>Take care of yourself, and stay strong.<BR>-SD<BR>

Also get Surviving an Affair by the Harleys and Private Lies by Pittman.<P>Your description of your wife's reaction to your questions is classic, classic, classic affair-speak. Did I say it was classic, too?<P>No question about it.<P>You are correct that you cannot work on your marriage together with the affair in progress. But you can work on it alone. Read about Plan A and start making changes in yourself that are necessary. Then demonstrate the changes.<P>Keep asking questions to us and don't lovebust!<P>WAT

Thanks for your response SD. I need your support and encouragement right now. This is a scary, desperate time. I believe that God wants to heal our marriage, and He has made me ready to do my part, but she will have to meet me on this. One can not do it alone. Right now, she seems too depressed, dysfunctional (although she classifies her depression as "situational"). She thinks that if she were "free" she would no longer be depressed. She sort of resents her own decision to stay. I just need for something to give. I am losing weight and sleep. There is a gradual worsening of the situation. I feel helpless.

Thanks WAT. I am familiar with plan "A". I was hoping not to have to use it. Do you advise going that route at this time?

Chazzy...<BR>I just realized that the link I gave you on the rules of honesty is no longer working...sorry about that.<BR>Here is a new link.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Radical Honesty</A><P>I know things are looking tough for you right now...remember, one person can work alone to improve a marriage - for a time.<BR>Yes, at some point your wife will have to do her part...your job right now (as unfair as it may seem) is to motivate her to do so.<BR>Listen to WAT...now there's someone who gives solid advice!<BR>Plan A may just be your best bet right now...it's a very powerful tool...and it does work.<P>Stay strong.<BR>SD

Chazzy- <BR>As unfair as it may seem at times for the faithful spouse to be the one to begin the Plan A, I am realizing more and more each day that if we were Plan Aing each other, we probably wouldn't be where we are today. <P>What are your Plan A ideas? Let us help you.