Just needed to vent - I've been very 'down' today. Before all this mess happened we had arranged for my husbands friend to come and take a vacation here: This friends wife left him for another man a few years ago and he has custody of his two young children, he has little money to spare for a vacation, so he was delighted when we invited him and his children over to America to stay with us - all he has to pay for is airline tickets and spending money. Well, now this has happened and my husband is feeling guilty that he may have to cancel his holiday. As I am staying in our house, I said that there was no reason why he still couldn't stay here - but now I don't know if I can cope with it. He's arriving the day before our wedding anniversary/my birthday and I KNOW I'm going to be feeling very down around that date. He also doesn't yet know what has happened with us! Anyway, I told my husband that it was about time he was informed of the circumstances and my husband said that it would be better if I rang him and told him that "we had decided to separate and it's all perfectly amicable" - only 'we' have NOT decided to separate - the truth is that my husband has left me, which is an entirely different thing, and it's NOT amicable as I am still experiencing a hell of a lot of pain and hurt because of it, and my husband - despite kidding himself that 'we are still good friends', is NOT acting as though we're good friends, because a 'good friend' would be there to support me, hug me and comfort me through this - not flinch away if I so much as accidentally brush his arm!!<P>Well, I rang my husband back and told him that I was very down today, and didn't feel strong enough to speak to his friend, let alone have to start lying about the situation. I also told him that I didn't know how I was going to be feeling tomorrow, let alone in 3 months time - so how on earth could I know if I could cope with this friend and his children staying with me? I managed to put on a face over this weekend, when we had mutual friends staying for just a couple of days, but that was hard enough to do and I don't know if I can do it for a whole 2 weeks!<P>Now I feel guilty, because my WH has decided to ring his friend and tell him the truth and then offer to reimburse him for his flight tickets if he decides not to come. I feel awful because I know that his kids were so excited about coming to America for the first time and feel bad that my husband has somehow managed to pass this guilt onto me, when it was his decision to have an affair and leave!<P>I'm also a bit worried because I think if he does come, it's a risky situation - he will know how much I'm hurting because he's been through it himself. He's a nice, kind man and I feel there's a risk of him 'comforting' me and it leading to something...<P>Help! Paint

Why can't the friend stay with your husband? <P>I think it's unfair to the friend and his kids to call it all off. Trans-Atlantic vacations are a BIG deal to kids. I don't think finacial reimbursement would come close to making up for the dissapointment. <P>Snow

Snow - I wish he could stay with my husband, but my WH has moved into a tiny, tiny, 1-bed apartment and there just isn't the room - I live in our 6-bedroomed house, complete with a whole guest suite in the basement

Hmmm... can H stay in the guest suite and help out with the hosting duties? I mean, if his friend is in on what's going on, it might be a nice compromise. <P>I know that given the special anniversaries around that time things will be extra tough on YOU. If you can agree to call a truce, not discuss you-know-what while company is in town, you could get a good Plan A rolling (per your other thread). Just a thought. <P>I've been apart from H. for nearly a year and have been plan A-ing, just by talking, spending quality time. I'm committed (today, anyway) to creating new good memories, a new good relationship. We even have a "date" tonight. First one in 9 months!

Paint,I'm with snow on this one her idea is a good one.If his friend does show some interist in you wile WH is around it might show him what he's missing,might just lift the fog a little.See what WH thinks, see if he softening at all.Good luck! NTK

messed up..see below<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited May 16, 2001).]

another mistake...why won't this let me <BR>delete this?<p>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited May 16, 2001).]

Paintbox:<BR> RE: my husband said that it would be better if I rang him and told him that "we had decided to separate and it's all perfectly amicable" - only 'we' have NOT decided to separate - the truth is that my husband has left me, which is an entirely different thing, and it's NOT amicable - despite kidding himself that 'we are still good friends', is NOT acting as though we're good friends, because a 'good friend' would be there to support me, hug me and comfort me through this - not flinch away if I so much as accidentally brush his arm!!<P>I know this one, my H left (been gone 10 mths. w/OW). In the beginning my H said he wanted to be stay friends. I felt friends don't treat friends this way. H wanted ME to stay his friend, but on his terms, a one way street. H also tried to stay as far away from me as possible when I saw him (maybe H was afraid he would give in & come home?) <BR> <BR>If this is his friend visiting, shouldn't he handle it and take the responsibility for HIS actions? I know my H was telling people our seperation was "mutual" (it certainly wasn't MY idea, but a totally horrible surprise to me). I think my H told people this so he wouldn't have to the responsibility for HIS actions. So I don't know if your H would tell his friend the "WE decided to separate" to make himself look better. My H blamed me for everything, even the fact that his parents were extremely upset with him, and in disagreement for what he did(he called me & said I had ruined his relationship with his parents..go figure). <P> RE: Now I feel guilty, because my WH has decided to ring his friend and tell him the truth and then offer to reimburse him for his flight tickets if he decides not to come. I feel awful because I know that his kids were so excited about coming to America for the first time and feel bad that my husband has somehow managed to pass this guilt onto me, when it was his decision to have an affair and leave!<P>You should NOT feel quilty, and don't let your H put it on you. My H tried to put all kinds of quilt trips on me, for what HE did. My H even tried to substantiate his leaving by telling me he was nothing but a paycheck to me(I heard that repeatedly), this really made me feel so bad that H would even think this. I felt for him, that if he felt this way, it's must be a terrible way to have to feel. Than I find out that H is totally supporting the OW (she doesn't and hasn't work at all). I was so upset that H made me feel he was only a paycheck to his WIFE, but he's a paycheck to OW and that's OK. (I figure it's the addiction & DEEP fog).<P>I don't know if this suggestion is feasible, but I thought I'd throw it in. If your H is willing to reimburse the flight tickets, instead, could he pay the cost of accomodations elsewhere for his friend? Maybe there could be a compromise as opposed to canceling his friend's trip. Is it possible that they stay with your H? <P>Take care & May God Bless<BR> [/B][/QUOTE]<P>

Instead of H reimbursing the tickets, why not just use that money to get the friend and kids a hotel room. I'm quite sure reimbursing tickets to America for friends and his kids is DEFINITELY cheaper than a hotel.

Thanks for all your replies - they did help. My WH has now told me that his friend is 'absolutely fine' with the situation (oh good!), and has said that it won't be a problem because he gets on with both of us really well. I'm still not keen on the idea - just the extra effort to keep the house tidy when there's 4 kids running round creating mayhem will be very tiring for me - I still haven't got over the devastation my friends kids left from last weekend yet! However - I did go to the docs yesterday and have started on the Prozac, so I may (hopefully) be coping OK by the end of August when they arrive. I hope so anyway!<BR>hugs, Paint