why is it that the when i read the OW boards they always blame the wife for all the problems in the marriage. they also use the phrase "the wife is in total denial."<P>i really think this is demented. who is the one who actually went out and pursued a relationship, then came home to his wife and lied about there whereabouts. my husband did this for years and i was the trusting and unsuspecting wife. it wasn't because i was in denial. i just trusted him. <P>and another thing that gets me is the fact that there has to be anything wrong with the marriage. i did nothing wrong. i was always there for my husband. i treated him with respect. i took care of my fair share and much, much, more. he even admits this, and with the next breath says "you neglected me."<P>well who has been negleting me for years. living two seperate lives. i feel like the woman in "the pilots wife". this blame we get for not meeting these unrealistic needs seems to be a very convienent way for the cheater to alleviate some guilt and pass the blame to the victim. <P>and another thing that seems to be universal to the OW/MM relationship is the word "soulmate" it seems hilarious to me that these "soulmates" are already married. if your souls were supposed to be together, then would God want the MM to deceive and lie to another human?<P>just my opinion and needing to vent. i think that is my case and probably others, my H is just a very selfish person with low morals. he has mastered the art of compartmentalizing. it really had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his expectations of life. he really doesn't think there is anything wrong with it as long as i don't know. that is probably why he is being so careful now. but i know he is still trying to have his cake and eat it too. <P>i am not trying to escape "blame" for having a poor marriage. i have given this much thought and after months of accepting blame, i have decided that i did nothing wrong. <P>i will not put up with him for long though. i am really losing my desire to want him. <BR>i have done so much to better our situation. he will NOT leave, and he will NOT give up his "other life".<P>thanks for listening!<P>i would love opinions on this.

I'm sure you are right in that you did nothing "wrong". but maybe you spent so much time doing so many nice things for your husband and those weren't even the things that he wanted most. I don't know if that's the case, but I wonder if you should try a different route and do less of the things you always did before, and (if possible to find out what they are) do more of the things that would make him feel more intimate with you. Just a thought.<P>Also, about the OW boards, you are so right.<BR>I had never seen those boards when I was being unfaithful to my H, but I recently looked at one and thought to myself "I did think all these ridiculous things. How pathetic I was." There are so many things that people in affairs believe (that we are soulmates, no one has a love like ours, etc...) and we don't even realize that our affair is just like everyone else's- a fantasy. Talk about denial.<BR>

well, i would LIKE to give an opinion, but, truth is, i agree completely. You took the words out of my mouth.<BR>I had a dear friend who was with a married man who was "getting a divorce", and out of the blue, the wife was "in complete denial" and "the lawyers have not filed"<BR>Thank god my friend bailed out fast, but man, that MM took her for a ride.<BR> I even have felt sorry for my own personal OW, b/c my H told her all this stuff about how our divorce was coming along and we were totally separated. NOT.<P>It is almost incomprehensible.<BR>

Good point, but I think they blame the wife because the H is feeding the lies. <P>Example: My H says he wasn't happy, but as this friendship developed into an affair and the excitement and intensity took over, he started questioning everything we had. I am not sure the OW in my situation blames me, but I do think that although I don't take the blame for the affair itself, I do have to take part of the blame for not always doint things right. <P>On that note, Tamis has a good point. I firmly believe that I have tried harder, done more, given more and put more than my all into this marriage. However, the things I did were not always what he wanted. We should have communicated about what we wanted and expected from each other. That is the H and W fault. <P>------------------<BR>H