I know that a few people are asking this same question - but there have been few replies, so I'm hoping we can all have a brainstorming session and get some ideas flowing. This is the question:<P>The scenario is that your partner has moved out and is in withdrawal - they are NOT willing to even try to reconcile. You are trying to Plan A. What practical ideas can everyone think of that might be used in Plan A to deposit love units in your WS's account?<P>Thanks, from all of us struggling with this

Try to see exactly what your spouse is feeling. write a big long letter to say you understand 100% the feeling and would probably do the same yourself if roles were reversed. But say in the big scheme of things like a lifelong marriage it is posible for both parties to recover 100% and have a successful marriage. Say that many marriages have the same problems and 60% of marriages have affair situations. Say you trust the person and want to really try again. Say there must have been something to attract you two to start with and with work this can be re-kindled. etc. The main thing is to make the person welcome, promise no interrogation, etc., show an understanding for human weakness and mistakes (even big big mistakes).

I am in that situation (except for the fact that H isn't in the withdrawal phase quite yet.. there is still contact with the first OW via short, 'hey how's it going' emails, and he's still searching out new women online). I kicked H out on Feb 6th, 2001. The 'mega LB's' are now out of the way, and I can concentrate on plan A. I have ample opportunity to see H, b/c we have 3 children together that he comes to see regularly (finally!).<P>What I do now, is to avoid talking about our 'situation' as much as humanly possible! Aside from the fact that I always tell him I love him, and want our family back together again. (at least once each time we talk, but only to a maximum of three times in an all day visit... I don't want to smother him).<P>Other than that, I work on our friendship. That is how our relationship started, and that is where it needs to rebuild from right now. I invite him to come over here to do his laundry, and on many occasions, invite him to dinner as well. We talk about our day, the good and bad things that happened in it, and I make sure I talk about our future.. albeit on a 'short term' basis for the most part. (for example, when he'll be here next to see the kids all day, what our separate plans are for the next few days, etc).<P>I understand that talking about our situation needs to happen, but he's not ready to talk face to face about it. So what I do is email him my thoughts and feelings (only the positive ones I might add), and request that he not delete the messages, so that he may look back on them in the future. He has yet to write me back, but he says he will when he's ready to. I can accept that.<P>I would say that the most important thing to do is 'positive consistency'... if that makes enough sense.<P>Karen<BR>

Make sure they see you happy. Who wants to be with someone in a down mood? And BTW, no, I'm not always good at this.

This plan A stuff is getting harder.Last night I gave her plan a plan b to read.She wants to play out her A and have OM move to calif. so she can be with kids and him.HARD TO SWALLOW!But I guess I have to in order for plan A to work,I think I need to show her I'm trying to change for the better.The limit on I love yous is a good idea she also says I'm smothering her.Hard not to do I love her so much.Hang with me here,let's see some more brainstormes.

Paintbox:<BR>I don't have any bright ideas. Especially in my situation as the BS, 10 months now H moved out OW moved in with him. H not willing to communicate or anything (told me please don't call me anymore). Not that I even called that often, maybe once every couple of months. <P>Don't know how I could even do a Plan A. Would like to hear suggestions. Today, while out driving saw OW in H sports car (purchased 1 week after he left). That just made my day as she waved (OW does that every time she sees me..YUK, I just ignor her, apparently she has major problems!) <P>I did write H a letter as Lora suggested, about a week ago. Kept it light, just antics of HIS dogs H left behind, nothing about relationship. <P>I'm all ears for any for advice, suggestions or anything.

I had a Plan A deposit go wrong today - It's our daughter's track day at school and my husband had planned to come along for a short while. The plan was to make a wonderful picnic to take along, to offer to share with him. Unfortunately my daughter felt sick this morning - so no track day after all!<P>To make matters worse, I think it ended up turning into a LB because when I rang him at work to tell him she felt sick, he said that she was putting it on and I shouldn't let her education suffer just because I was feeling down about what had happened between us <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Paintbox (edited May 15, 2001).]

LOL - then wouldn't you know it, later on today a definate love-buster turned (I think) into a love-deposit!!<P>I went into town and found that our joint bank account had been totalled - the kids were hungry and I couldn't get any money out. I couldn't believe it - over $4,000 gone in just a week? I was FURIOUS, I was sure he'd done it deliberately and drove down to his office to confront him - luckily he wasn't there and had gone to lunch. Luckily I was able to draw some cash out using the debit card for one of the accounts we still have open back in England, so we got some lunch at last. By the time I'd driven home I had calmed down a bit and 'phoned him - he was just as suprised as I was and we went through the mini-statement I'd printed out at the ATM to see where things had gone wrong. It looked like all the expenses he'd had from moving into his new apartment, coupled with a bunch of bills that I had just paid had caused the problem. Anyway, we decided to transfer some money from another account to see us through until pay-day and they faxed him a wire-transfer slip. Well, he rang me back to get the account details so he could fill in the slip and it just got farcical - first I gave him the credit details when he wanted the debit, then after he'd tippex-ed out everything and started again, he kept writing in the wrong figures and details - we ended up in fits of giggles, because he's reknowned at being useless at form-filling, and the more he laughed, the more useless he became!!<P>Now wasn't that an unusual turn of events? Suprised me - I thought I'd be divorced by the end of the day LOL!<P>Paint

Paintbox-<BR>I'm glad you and your H had a few laughs.<P>My H moved out about 8 months ago. When this first happened, I knew I wanted to Plan A, but did not have a clue where to start. He was withdrawn and angry and it seemed that the more I tried to do, the angrier he got.<P>Obviously, there was no way he would fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. So, I spent a lot of time thinking about what he had complained about in the past. And, I found out that his complaints were a lot of the same things that I wasn't happy with myself, so I started there. His complaints were things like me staying at work too long, placing work before the family, not keeping the house clean enough, not enough quality time with the kids, being grumpy too much of the time, etc.<P>I started with these things and found that I needed these to be happy with me and he has definitely noticed. Eliminating lovebusters was a very difficult step, because I really didn't know what they were. Through several conversations (making sure I was not giving him the impression that I wanted to change for him- cuz this didn't work at all), I have finally gotten him to help me identify most of them and they are gone now.<P>My H is still involved with the OW, so I don't want you to think that I have the magical cure or anything, but we can now have civil conversations, we can laugh and joke around, we are comfortable with each other most of the time, and he has become more thoughtful and considerate than he had been in years. He may still decide that he wants to be with the OW, or I may decide that I've had enough, but at least I know that I've done my part and I'm much happier with me and enjoying my kids much more. And I know that he is confused now, when he first moved out he pretty much knew he wanted a divorce.

Paintbox-<BR>I started by sending my WH letters.(he's been gone almost 3 months living with OW now). In my letters I've tryed to attend to what I've guessed to be his biggest EN's.So the letters have been flirtacious, flattering, thankful,etc.He comes to our house to do his business paperwork 2 or 3 times a week. I try to leave him something he'll like when he arrives(his favorite chocolate cake or a other treat).I've tryed to become his best friend again and I think I am making slow progress in this.<BR>I agree it's a good idea to try to be cheerful, although it's hard sometime.<BR>BTW- It really is a good idea to remain calm when you think your WS may be dipping into funds! I had a similar experience as you. My WH is making the morgage payments on this house, always has even though he lives with OW. I got a call from the bank saying they had not recieved the last 2 morgage payments. I freaked out but soon forced myself to calm before calling him to ask saying "It must be some kind of mistake!" It was! I'm so glad I didn't blow it with that one.<BR>I appreciate these ideas from others. My problem is my WH is willing to come around and spend time with me, he even bought me flowers for mother's day, he's been intimate with me a few times, but it never progresses beyond this.He spends all of his nights with her.

I thought of something I wanted to add. When I talked with Steve Harley about plan A he reminded me that plan A isn't about meeting WS's needs as much as it is about making changes. He said to ensure that WS's could see changes for the good. -just an afterthought.

Hmmm Maezy - I see the point. It's very difficult to know exactly what to do change though, or if you do know what to change, how to put that in practice. For instance, my husbands biggest recreational love is golf. I would be interested in learning to play too, but there are problems (as always). Firstly how do I get the 5 to 6 hours free that I need to play with him when I've no childcare because my nearest relatives are over 5,000 miles away, secondly - he's VERY competitive and I've learned from painful experience that playing any sort of game with him is far from being fun - he plays to win, mercilessly, EVERY time and if (by any chance) I happen to be better at playing something than he is and actually win - well he just won't play that particular game anymore. It's no wonder that we drift apart where recreational needs are concerned. The only activity we managed to do successfully together was to go fishing - and that wasn't really 'joining in' as he fished, while I sat near to him and painted the scenery! but at least we were together for a change