i have been married for 3 years, dated for 2.i was married before that my ex cheated on me. i feel like i might have some trust issues.my wife now makes me very suspisious of her. people at her work have told me she is on the phone alot, but she doesn't ever hardly call me? she has been late getting home form work and told me she went to store to get some things after work, but didn't buy anything.our shedules are different, and when we DO get a day off together, there is nothing better i would like to do but spend the day with her. she never wants to do much on those days. on her days off by herself[ daugther in school and me at work] she hardly NEVER stays home and tells me she is at her moms.i can't prove anything is going on, but i sure feel like something is happening.i have had several girlfriend since first W and i never remember these feelings of distrust like i am feeling with my W now.i drive myself crazy with it. we have had several arguments over this and INSIST it is because of what happened in my first marriage. i'm not sure about this.i have gone so far as telling her to submit to lie-detector test to save our marriage and she says she will. but i overheard her on phone with her mom saying her would never take one, even let me pay for it and not go. what am i doing here?i love this woman with all my heart, but i sure don't want to be a chump again.and if i stop tring to find out if anything is going on, how in the world can i overcome these feelings of lack of trust? i have told her i don't trust her and she says alot of people don't trust their spouses, bit it's not something to get divorced over.if she is having A, why would she put up with the fights we have about every few months and leave me for this other person? i am just so confused, i don't know what to do. i know for a fact thou, that i hate spending so much of my life wondering and worring about this situation.someone help to end my suffering.self-inflicted or not!!!!!!

I might be misunderstanding you, but it sounds like your wife is being made to pay for all the hurt you have brought in from your first marriage? Could that be right?<P>Have you ever heard of being so afraid of something that we force it to happen? Let me put it this way, faith in God is a powerful force. Without faith, it is impossible to please God. Faith is not knowing everything nor having all our ducks in row. Faith is trusting God. Trusting God means we don't have all the answers. Faith works by love. Love pays no attention to a suffered wrong and seeks not its own (what about meeeeee). Love (God's love in us) never fails.<P>It seems to me that fear is just as powerful as faith, only in an opposite, negative way. We can be so afraid of something that we bring it into our lives, like a magnet. We have to let go of fear and allow God to help us. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. One translation says a sound mind = self control. GET A GRIP!! Love believes the best of every person. Believing the best of our spouses doesn't mean being suspicious and accusatory and listening to co-workers' gossip.<P>Maybe your fears are justified because what happened to you in the past hurt you deeply. None of us want to experience pain of any kind. Marriage just has a way of bringing out our insecurities--for some reason? I believe marriage shows us just how much more of God we need. I believe marriage shows us exactly how much faith in God we are lacking. Marriage exposes areas in our life that need God's help. Marriage brings more accountability to God in our lives. Whatever we thought that our spouse would answer for us through marriage, we find out that we can only get it from GOD! (For example, things like security, confidence, provision, peace of mind, and protection.)<P>On Judgment Day, we won't be able to say that we didn't fulfill God's Will for our lives because of our spouses' acts or lack of action, we will have to answer for ourselves alone. Did we love them as we love ourselves? That's the bottom line.<P>Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want your other half trying to control your every move because they are afraid you are up to no good? Someone who is supposed to love you as Christ loves the church constantly accusing you? Someone who is supposed to nurture you spiritually and yet they are full of fear instead of faith in God? Think about it from her standpoint. Doesn't that make you say yuck three times? Isn't the enemy supposed to be the accuser of the brethren? Wouldn't you consider your request for a lie detector test to be a bit unreasonable? Can you spell Love Buster? <P>You are better than that. You are a man of God. You are strong and secure. You are the man of your home. Our security is in God, not in our spouse's whereabouts. With all your faults, there are probably about 10 women out there who would take you just the way you are, and be glad to get you! Same goes for your wife. Do something nice for her to make her want to come home--something that you have never given. Then put your hope in God.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:<BR><B>I might be misunderstanding you, but it sounds like your wife is being made to pay for all the hurt you have brought in from your first marriage? Could that be right?<P>Have you ever heard of being so afraid of something that we force it to happen? Let me put it this way, faith in God is a powerful force. Without faith, it is impossible to please God. Faith is not knowing everything nor having all our ducks in row. Faith is trusting God. Trusting God means we don't have all the answers. Faith works by love. Love pays no attention to a suffered wrong and seeks not its own (what about meeeeee). Love (God's love in us) never fails.<P>It seems to me that fear is just as powerful as faith, only in an opposite, negative way. We can be so afraid of something that we bring it into our lives, like a magnet. We have to let go of fear and allow God to help us. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. One translation says a sound mind = self control. GET A GRIP!! Love believes the best of every person. Believing the best of our spouses doesn't mean being suspicious and accusatory and listening to co-workers' gossip.<P>Maybe your fears are justified because what happened to you in the past hurt you deeply. None of us want to experience pain of any kind. Marriage just has a way of bringing out our insecurities--for some reason? I believe marriage shows us just how much more of God we need. I believe marriage shows us exactly how much faith in God we are lacking. Marriage exposes areas in our life that need God's help. Marriage brings more accountability to God in our lives. Whatever we thought that our spouse would answer for us through marriage, we find out that we can only get it from GOD! (For example, things like security, confidence, provision, peace of mind, and protection.)<P>On Judgment Day, we won't be able to say that we didn't fulfill God's Will for our lives because of our spouses' acts or lack of action, we will have to answer for ourselves alone. Did we love them as we love ourselves? That's the bottom line.<P>Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want your other half trying to control your every move because they are afraid you are up to no good? Someone who is supposed to love you as Christ loves the church constantly accusing you? Someone who is supposed to nurture you spiritually and yet they are full of fear instead of faith in God? Think about it from her standpoint. Doesn't that make you say yuck three times? Isn't the enemy supposed to be the accuser of the brethren? Wouldn't you consider your request for a lie detector test to be a bit unreasonable? Can you spell Love Buster? <P>You are better than that. You are a man of God. You are strong and secure. You are the man of your home. Our security is in God, not in our spouse's whereabouts. With all your faults, there are probably about 10 women out there who would take you just the way you are, and be glad to get you! Same goes for your wife. Do something nice for her to make her want to come home--something that you have never given. Then put your hope in God.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>thank you for your reply. it sounds easy on paper, but when it comes to doing it, it can be alot harder. i'm not blind to see that this situation is not fair to her if nothing is going on,but i didn't write every reason why i would suspect her.i ask jesus for guidance about this, but i'm not sure if understand his proposal.we rarely fight about anything and i feel like we have a good marriage, but these feelings strong and i have always heard that if you suspect something, there is usually a reason for it.i just want to know why these feelings of distrust are soooo strong with her, when it was NEVER an issue in othere relationships since the previous marriage. it seems weird?if i had these issues, would they have not come out in other relationships? i relize you are hitting on something here, but i DO feel actions on her part say alot. i would never want to control her every move, because i wouldn't want her to do it to me, and i don't.<P>

Dear Q,<BR>Well, you have to go with your gut. You know what is what. Sometimes tho, we can get carried away with our imagination when we are emotional. If there are signs that you believe the Lord is letting you see, then I agree, it is for a good reason. But when we start feeling all confused, then we are thinking about a thing way too much. We need to roll it over onto the Lord.<P>How to handle insecurity? We can only allow God to help us with this. No person can cure it.<P>How to handle the wondering, wandering mind? Think on good, pure, lovely things that are of a good report. We don't have to believe everything that floats around inside our heads. We can choose to go with what we know.<P>We know that God loves us and will never leave nor forsake us. We know that He is the lifter of our heads. We know that when we sow in tears, He causes us to reap in joy and He keeps account of every tear. We know that His love for us is everlasting. Bank on what we know and let the rest go. He'll take care of it if we let Him. If we are doing our best, then that is the best we can do. We have to let go of what we cannot control. We can control our thoughts tho, is all I'm saying.