Would someone please respond to me, if you have the time. I am looking to discuss the feelings of the WS. I want to understand my H better at this time in his life. We have been married 25 yrs. He told he had an affair 2.5 yrs ago and is trying to deal with the guilt. He won't let me help him. He left to live on his own Jan. 31 2001. He hasn't told his parents yet. We are all in a holding pattern, but somedays I feel I am going to break; the pain and tears are incredible. I have a strong yearning to move forward into reconciliation and deal with the issues, he on the other hand can't seem to make up his mind to move in either direction.<P>I have been understanding, forgiving, friendly - no response in my favour from him though. He is not abusive, meets his financial obligations, is trying to be there for our two children (17 and 21) who by the way are seriously angry with him, but he is not willing to work toward reconciliation between him and me.<P>I have ordered the book "Surviving An Affair", but it hasn't arrived yet (been a week).<P>Today, I need to hear from someone that this is possible, that this is a phase that will end positively.<p>[This message has been edited by Tryingtostandup (edited May 15, 2001).]

Hi Trying-<BR>Welcome to MB. <BR>I am not the best person to respond to you but I'll try, and move your post up to the top, and others will jump in.<P>While you are waiting for SAA to arrive, there is a lot of good material on this web site, New_Beginings gave you some links in your other posts. Read up on Plan A/Plan B.<P>What you are going through is terribly difficult, but also very common, even for couples married for decades. o first of all you are not alone, and you have come to a good place for help and information.<P>Have you or your H gone to counseling? Many people recommend counseling with the Harleys and there is information here on this site. <P>The encouraging words I can give to you from my reading here, is yes, there is hope! People have been where you are now, and have rebuilt their marriages. Keep posting, tell your story and ask questions. Read, and get professional counseling.

Trying - everything you want is possible. No one can say for sure that it will end positively the way you now want it to. But it will be positive in the long run, I promise.<P>I'm the betrayed spouse, like you, but there are many WSs here to help you. For starters, read SKM's reply to Elad just this morning.<P>Read everything on this site and browse old posts. You can search on posts to find the topics or authors you want. Send your children here to learn as well. When you think your H can do it - he will be welcome.<P>Good Luck,<BR>WAT

My H and I have been in counselling since late November (each with our own) my counsellor has invited him to join us on two separate occasions. He refuses to go.<P>I have called to see if I can see my counsellor this week.<P>I read SKM's post to Elad and it was great. Thank you SKM for your readings. I guess no one can really say for sure, but I do have moments of complete busting. I have been printing off pages from this web site and have it all stored in a folder. Someday he may want to read and learn what I have and too have the optimism that this can be greater than it was before.

Welcome Tryingtostandup:<P>When someone first comes to MB and asks for help we usually are so in the dark about what is really going on that it is hard to give advise that will be of any help.<P>First of all let me say that there is some element missing in this picture...what it is I can't say...but I think we need more information. It is unusual for a WS to move out if there is no other person in the picture...not unless there is extreme conflict.<P>Secondly, if you have read the information on this site (which I strongly recommend) you will come across some information about emotional needs. These are the needs that each of us have that need to be fulfilled by our partner for us to be satisfied in the marriage....and they can be different for each partner. I would guess that there is some question in your WS' mind as to whether he is getting what he wants out of the marriage. Oh, I know he says he is feeling quilty...but I sure that there is more to it.<P>Thirdly, although the affair is not your fault, there may be areas in your marriage in which you are not meeting needs and until those areas are worked on he will continue to be hesitate about returning. It seems like once the needs have been met in an affair it is difficult to return to the "same old...same old" and be happy with it.<P>But, you have excellent information, techniques, counseling and book referrals here to quide you to beginning the work on restoring your marriage if you want to...which it seems you do. <P>The greatest advise we can give you at this point is to read, read, read.....books, posts, MB materials...and somewhere in this information you will begin to see a pattern emerge that will be familar to you. <P>Sorry you have to be here....but, again Welcome, and stay around....for you have some people here who understand and are here to help.<P>Faye